Jingle jingle, y’all! Simon here! Christmas is almost upon us, and I hope my gift to you is a list of puuuurfect picks! I went 11-5 again last week, for a total of 148-75 for the season. Let’s ho-ho-hope I can knock it out of the park this week! Y’all have a great Christmas! See y’all next week!
Atlanta at Detroit: Will Simon get his Christmas wish of seeing Calvin Johnson’s johnson? Probably not. But them Durty Birds will come to town and do a number on the Lions, honey! Take the Falcons!
New Orleans at Dallas: Although the Cowgirls beat the Steelers last week in OT, they didn’t look all that great against Pittsburgh’s fifth-string defenders (seriously, did you know any of those handsome mens the Steelers had on the field in the second half?). Sexy Drew Brees and that handsome Marques Colston will shred the Cowboys! Take the Aints!
Tennessee at Green Bay: Go green! Again! Take the Packers!
Indianapolis at Kansas City: Andrew Luuuuucccckk? Simon’s looking for yooooouuu! Don’t worry about this game, Colts fans: the last time a quarterback drafted by Kansas City won a game was 1987. Astsonishing, ain’t it? Take the Colts!
Buffalo at Miami: I like my South Beach mens in this game. Know why? Those Buffalo Boys are going to be too busy sippin’ Mai Tais on the beach to concentrate on the game! All those glistening bodies on the beach… I should check Expedia! Take the Dolphins!
San Diego at New York Jets: Wow… I’m sure this looked like an awesome game back in August. But just look at it now! Both the Jets and the Chargers are racing to see which team can implode first. And Dirty Sanchez will enjoy his last few weeks as a Jet. San Diego usually doesn’t play that well on the east coast, so take the Jets to eke out a win!
Washington at Philadelphia: I’m not sure what sport the Iggles are playing. With or without RG3 (“HEY HANDSOME!”), the Skins will win! Take the Redskins!
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh: Oh boy! Better tread carefully here! This is just about win or go home time for the Steelers, and they’re facing two teams at home that they’ve historically dominated. I want to pick the Steelers, especially with their backs to the wall like this. Having said that, the Kitties will keep it uncomfortably close. Like 16-13 close.
St. Louis at Tampa Bay: There’s a joke here somewhere about pirates and sheep… but it’ll be NO JOKE when the teams take the field: The Buccaneers will run all over the Rams (like, literally, honey! Doug Martin, I’ve got my eye on youuuu!).
Oakland at Carolina: Yawn. I love ya Cam, Jonathan and Steve.. but don’t make me watch your boring brand of football! When is Rivera gonna be fired? Is that in two weeks? Or three weeks? Having said all that, I’m picking the hometown kitties to win this one big! Take the Panthers, baby!
New England at Jacksonville: “And, like lambs to the slaughter, the Jacksonville Jaguars take the field!”. Take the Patriots to win… by at least 21 points!
Minnesota at Houston: If the handsome Cowmens can stop that slinky Adrian “What injury?” Peterson, then the game’s over. And I think they’re up to the task. Take the Texans!
Cleveland at Denver: The Simon has been defending the Browns all season long, calling them the “most dangerous 5-9 team in the league”. Well, I haven’t called them a “5-9” team all season long, ‘cos that would be silly. It would change week to week, like “most dangerous 5-8” team last week, or “most dangerous 4-7” team. You know what I’m sayin’, right? Oh dear… I’ve gotten off on a tangent again, haven’t I? We can edit that out later, right, Daddy? [Editor’s Note: No.] Hmmmph! Fine! Anyhoo, as dangerous as the Browns are, there’s NO WAY they beat the Broncos at home. No way at all.
Chicago at Arizona: Hey y’all! Let’s talk hot dogs! Ever have one of those ridiculous Chicago dawgs with the neon green relish and the tomatoes and the pickle spear? How about Sonora hot dogs, which are wrapped in bacon (yummy to Simon’s tummy!) and then covered in beans, grilled onions, fresh onions, tomatoes, mayo, cream sauce (I won’t even ASK about that!), mustard and Jalapeno salsa. What’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they eat hot dogs the New York Way, which is what God intended? Anyway, in the Duel of the Dogs, I say take the Bears to win, and win big. Like a “statement” kind of win.
New York Jets at Baltimore: My daddy says if the Steelers can’t win the AFC North, he sure as hell doesn’t want the Ratbirds to win! I don’t know if the Giants have the mojo to pull off in win in Bawlmer, but it would be delicious if they did. So I’m gonna take the Giants, although I think the Ravens will, in the end, squeak out a win.
San Francisco at Seattle: Whoever would have thought an NFC West game would be the Beatdown of the Week? Yet, here we are: this Sunday Night Football match-up should be the best game on TV this weekend, and The Simon doesn’t know who to pick! It’s SO HARD (heh) to win in Seattle thanks to all those hyped up latté sippers… but the 49ers are pretty much bad ass at this point. So I will represent my buddies in the gay community at pick the 49ers.Stay fabulous, y’all!
Again, Simon hopes y’all have a merry lil’ Christmas! See y’all next week!