Hey hey hey, y’all! Simon here! Hope everybody had a Merry Christmas! Simon rocked a 10-6 last week, for a season total of 148-91. But I’m feelin’ GOOD about this week’s picks! Lets’ see if I can hit ’em out of the park, y’all!
Carolina at Atlanta: Cam Newton is gonna make it rain dollah dollah bills at the Georgia Dome, y’all! And the Panthers’ defense will keep the pedal to the metal, squashing the Durty Burds all over the pavement, yo! Ain’t gotta be a football genius like me to see that the Panthers will win this one!
Baltimore at Cincinnati: It’s a bad week to be a bird, and a good week to be a kitty, you guys! Those poor ratbirds (hehehe!) ain’t that good on the road, and those big, bad Tigers are gonna FEAST on bird this week! Take the Bengals, kids!
Houston at Tennessee: A challenging game between two Southern teams no one cares about, and who have no hope of going to the playoffs! Woo-wee! FUN! Take the Titans. Better yet, take a whiskey and a Valium and enjoy your nap!
Jacksonville at Indianapolis: Speaking of snoozers… Take the Colts to win this one. If you’re one of the markets that has this game, consider taking a walk instead, or take your friends out to brunch!
New York Jets at Miami: Could this be Rexie’s last game as head coach of the Jets? Let’s hope not: that gross toe-sucker is just too inadvertently amusing. Rex leaving would leave sports writers feeling like late night talk show hosts after GWB left office…. a big, gaping void. The game? Oh yeah… Take the Dolphins.
Detroit at Minnesota: It’s MOTOR CITY versus… Cheese City? The City With a Lot of Nice People But Not a Much Else? Swedish City? Who knows. Hopefully the Lions will keep the Week of the Cat™ going and pull out a win against the sexy (but hapless) Vikings!
Washington at New York Giants: Hey, speaking of “last game as head coach”… it’s Mike Shanahan and the Deadskins! Gosh, and they wonder why I call their division the NFC Least! I’m pretty sure the G-Men win this game, but the real question is why the sports media cares so much.
Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Daddy, I’m SO SORRY for picking the Packers last week! But I won’t make that mistake again! In typical Browns fashion, the team showed flashes of brilliance now and then for most of the season. But they’re 1-6 on the road this year, and have never beaten Big Ben at home. The Browns would love to spoil it for them, but I think the Steelers win this one handily!
Green Bay at Chicago: Well, THIS is a tough one! The Bears are starting Jay Quitter. The Pack will have Aaron Rodgers, but have lost Clay Matthews. They’re playing in Chicago. Hmmmm… Common wisdom would say to go with Da Bears, but The Simon is thinking that the Packers will come away with a win here.
Denver at Oakland: Hopefully, Denver plays this game for real, ‘cos Simon’s picked the Broncos to win this one.
Buffalo at New England: Here’s another game in which the favored team (New England) may rest their starters, or just play the game real half-ass. In this case, however, I think New England’s third stringers could beat the Bills’ starters, so take the Patriots to win this game!
Tampa Bay at New Orleans: I say it at least once a week: “this is a joke, right?” Take the Saints to not just win, but crush, the Bucs.
San Francisco at Arizona: This could be a better game thank you might think. Early in the season, it would have been a blowout for the 49ers. But the Cards have gone 4-1 in their last 5 games, and would LOVE to knock the smirk off Colin Kapernick’s smug face. Having said all that, The Simon thinks the 49ers win.
Kansas City at San Diego: UPSET! UPSET! UPSET! Mark my words: the Chargers come away with a win this week!
St. Louis at Seattle: The Rams… good luck, suckers! Seattle’s only lost once at home in the past two years, and this week won’t be any different! Take the Seahawks to easily coast to a win here!
Philadelphia at Dallas: You don’t need to be a
mathematiscian mathamatacian mathematission numbers guy to see how this one works: Chip Kelly’s offense + Dallas’ lame-ass defense + Philadelphia’sa adequate defense + Kyle Orton = Eagles win.
Enjoy the picks, and GOOD LUCK, ya’ll!