A longtime reader of the jimcofer.com site wrote me recently, taking me to task for posting a Top 10 Celebrity Breasts list and not including pics.
You see, I met this guy through the Ars Technica forums, and worked with him in meatspace for about a year. And so… the Ars forums have a long history of people demanding pictures in certain threads. People that started any thread worthy of pics – be it a “Hurricane Grace just leveled my house!” or a “My GF just got a nipple piercing!” thread – certain posts demanded pictures, and people that posted incredible stories without pictures were taunted.
So, over time, Ars became known as a place where people had picture-taking bravado, as people (afraid of being taunted) began posting the most incredible pictures: people dangling off buildings… people with deadly Australian spiders in their bedrooms… the bomb squad working feverishly next door… the aftermath of fantastic car crashes and fires… everyone started reaching for their cameras first thing just “for Ars” instead of doing something… sensible like getting the hell outta there or calling the police.
And so, paying my debt as a true Arsian… I give you the pictures! Remember: I only used the top 10 girls from the InTouch poll – I just put them in my own order.
Click any pic for a high-res version:
|1. Scarlett Johansson – Ahhhhhh, Scarlett! Your firm, 23 year-old breasts… your blonde hair… your deep green eyes… your strange opinions on polyamory and apparent conversion to Neotrantra… it all just makes old men like me weep.|
|2. Katherine Heigl – “I know, right? Where has she been hiding those things?”|
|3. Jessica Simpson – Yep… the poor thing is as dumb as a box of rocks. And she’s dating the freakin’ quarterback of my hated rival: the Dallas Cowboys. But hey – did you see her in the Real Girls Eat Meat shirt? Man, that’s hot! Even better: she wore it as a swipe at Romo’s ex-gf Carrie Underwood, herself twice voted “sexiest vegetarian” from PETA. Grrrrrrrrr!|
|4. Lindsay Lohan – There’s just something nasty about Linday Lohan’s boobies. And I mean that in the best way. Too bad for us, though: seems like ‘LaLohan’ (uuugh!) is playing for the other team these days.|
|5. Megan Fox – Actually, I don’t think Megan Fox has nice boobies. But the rest of her? It’s like “Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor… DAMN!” time, ya know?|
|6. Beyoncé Knowles – Ya know, I secretly think that Kim Kardashian is hot (yes, really)… but Beyoncé’s booty is just plain ridiculous.|
|7. Audrina Patridge – Someone from The Hills or something, I dunno. I’m getting old and losing my pop culture compass. Or perhaps my compass is just much more refined these days. You pick.|
|8. Tyra Banks – You know, Tyra Banks is crazy. And you know what Jim Cofer’s First Rule of Life is? “Don’t stick it in the crazy”. Sure… she looks good. But just wait until you start getting 120 text messages and 19 phone calls a day from this incredibly hot (yet completely crazy) woman.|
|9. Jennifer Aniston – Really? Jennifer Aniston? I can see where some might find her attractive and everything… but come on. This woman lost a call-waiting face off against Angelina Jolie, and lost badly. She’s just a loser. And she’s not aging very well, either.|
|10. Carmen Electra – Carmen Electra is a tired old bag. When I think of Carmen Electra, I think of two things: Dennis Rodman naked and\or sleeping with everyone in a bus station. Either one makes me shudder.|