Simon’s Picks – Week 9

SimonHey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 9-4 last week, for a total of 25-14 on the season. Who knew the Rams would beat the Saints? I’m glad to have missed one of those games though: I picked New England over Pittsburgh, and when the boys from Steel City won my daddy jumped up and down and hollered like a mad man! It made me happy to see him happy! Let’s see what we have this week!

New York Jets at Buffalo: You know it’s a strange world when Buffalo is sharing the lead in the AFC East with New England! I tell you what though, I wouldn’t mind playing a few rounds of “Simon Says” with that handsome Ryan Fitzpatrick! Talk about ball control! OH SNAP! Now, ya’ll know I love my sexy Latin mens, but Duuurty Sanchez just won’t be take to beat Buffalo at home this year! Take the Bills in this game, honey!

Seattle at Dallas: That poor Tony Romo. The little boy tries so hard to be a great quarterback, yet he throws picks at exactly the wrong time… or muffs the snap or handoff. That’s OK, though. After the spankin’ the Philly Birds gave them last week, the ‘Boys will be out for blood… and the Sea Chickens will be able to provide it for them! Look for Romo to throw his balls wherever, and the sexy duo of Miles Austin and Jason Witten will “rise to the occasion”, if you know what I mean. The Cowboys will win this one easily!

Atlanta at Indianapolis: Speakin’ of sexy Latin mens, you know who’s gonna run all over the hapless Colts this week? That Dominican Adonis, Tony Gonzalez, that’s who! That lil’ tight end is gonna be all over the field, as well my lil’ cup o’ hot chocolate Michael Turner. Watch the Falcons run up the score… and the Dolts remain winless after this game.

Miami at Kansas City: Well, as ya’ll know, Miami is my favorite team, thanks to those sexy costumes! But they’re just not that good this year. To be fair, no one thought much of the Chiefs, either… at least I didn’t until Monday night, when my lil’ lover Matt Cassel hung in there and stole a win away from those awful Chargers! In a normal year, I’d pick the Dolphins. But this year I’m going with the Chiefs!

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: Drew Brees! What happened, handsome! How could those sexy Cajun critters run up a 62-7 score on the Dolts one week, yet look so terrible against the almost equally awful Rams the next? It’s too much for Simon’s kitty brain to process! However, the Football Feline does know this: the Saints’ three losses this year were all on the road. They’ve looked really good at home this year! I’m gonna get me a man meat po’ boy and pull for the Saints in this game!

San Francisco at Washington: Did you know that it’s possible that San Fran could lock up the NFC West title before Thanksgiving? Again, Simon wants to know if he look a backwards nap and woke up in 1988! Anyway… girls, lemme tell ya: that Frank Gore and his skull-crackin’ thighs are gonna run all over the rudderless ‘Skins, who seem to really, really want to join the “Suck for Luck” contest (which I was all excited about, until I found out what it was about!). Take the 49ers to not just win, but humble the Deadskins!

Cleveland at Houston: Oh dear! Those awful dawgs from Prune City are about to get their bells rung in Texas! As Simon mentioned last week, Cleveland’s three wins have come against Indy, Miami and Seattle… three teams that the sexy young’uns from South Point High School could probably beat. To say that Cleveland’s offense needs a shot of Viagra is an understatement! Take the Texans to have this game well in hand by halftime.

Cincinnati at Tennessee: Football folks (especially that fat tub of goo, Peter King) keep talking about how great the Bengals are this year, and what a great job that ass-clown Marvin Lewis is doing. But Simon doesn’t need opposable thumbs to see that their wins came against Cleveland, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Indianapolis and Seattle. So, with the exception of the Buffalo win, methinks the Tigers from C-town are more like paper tigers for now. I’ll be impressed if they come away with a win in Tennessee, but am pretty sure that the Titans will win this one.

Denver at Oakland: Tim! My poor Tim Tebow! Such a sexy, handsome man.. such an awful NFL quarterback! Coach Foxy is kind of between a rock and hard place (hehehe) with his QB situation. Tebow is just awful – like, shag carpet awful –  and even though Simon thinks he needs more than two starts before you call his career over, Foxy just doesn’t have a lot of options. Is Kyle Orton any better, really? Really? That’s why Simon thinks the Raiders will win this game, although it could be ugly for both sides.

New York Giants at New England: It made Simon sad to see Tom Brady hang his head after my daddy’s Steelers beat the Pats last weekend! Don’t cry, Tom! You’re still beautiful, although we need to have a serious talk about those Uggs! I’m pretty sure that Darth Vader will whip his team into a frenzy this week, and will bounce back with a win over that ol’ lesbian from New Jersey. Take the Patriots to win here, and maybe win big.

St. Louis at Arizona: This game is this week’s “Who Cares? Bowl”. If this is the late game this week, Simon will happily opt to take a nap instead. Because dreaming about my main man Tom Brady is far more entertaining than watching these two retards duke it out! I’ll pick the Cardinals to win… although it would be better for everyone if some nutcase decided to remake his own version of Black Sunday in Phoenix this week!

Green Bay at San Diego: As you know, Simon hates Philip Rivers… which is odd, because he kind of looks like a penis with a face. You’d think I’d like that, no? But seriously, look for that red-hot Aaron Rogers and his arsenal of sexy black mens receivers to cut San Diego’s D to shreds, and look to my second most handsome football man – Clay Matthews… sigh! – to humiliate the Penis With A Face. Take the Fudge Packers to win this one by 10 or more… easily!

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Unibrow McGee and the rest of the Ravens’ offense hasn’t looked so good the past couple of weeks. Sure, they came back to beat Arizona. But if they think they can go down (heh) by 21 points at Heinz Field and still come back, they’re sadly mistaken. Big Ben and his sexy pack of receivers chewed up New England last week; although it won’t be quite that easy this week, I think they’ll still get the job done. And while much has been made of the Steelers’ depleted linebacking corps, Simon saw enough of the sexy newcomers last week to think that they can get the job done on defense, too. Look for my Chocolate Thunder – Mike Tomlin – to get a victory this week. After all, the Steelers have a much better record at home vs. the Ravens than on the road.

Chicago at Philadelphia: This is the most difficult game to pick. Had those hot mens from the Windy City taken on the Philly boys a couple of weeks ago, I’d have told you to pick the Bears. But the Eggles seem to be coming together (oh, if only I could see that!). I’ll take the Eagles to win here, although it could be close. Or maybe not. By the way, if by some chance DeSean Jackson is reading this, let me just say “heeeeeeeeyyyy, handsome!”

Have fun with the picks! See ya’ll next week!


– Simon

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