Hey, y’all! Simon here! Oh boy… last week was a bit rough, huh? Poor Simon went 7-6… which is still a winning record, but not by much! I’m 86-47 for the season… but lets’ see if I can do better this week. In the meantime, Mike McCarthy is busy googling “Seneca Wallace”.
Washington at Minnesota: The Deadskins came back to life last week with an overtime win against the Chargers… and Simon thinks they’ll continue their winning ways this week against the Vikings, who pushed Tony Romo and Dallas to the brink last week. This will be a pretty good game, even if it’s one of those awful Thursday night games! Take the Redskins to win!
Seattle at Atlanta: Normally, The Simon would pick the Falcons to win at home. After all, the Durty Burds are an NFL best 35-9 at home since 2008. But I just don’t think these guys have it in them. With sexy mens Julio Jones and Roddy White, the Burds are a shell of what they once were, and that handsome Tony G, while awesome, can’t carry the whole team. The beatdown these guys got at the hands of the Panthers last week is only a prelude to this week, despite the ‘Hawks looking vulnerable. Simon is taking the Seahawks to win this one on the road!
Detroit at Chicago: Well, well, well. Who knew Josh McCown would step up like he did last night? You’d think a Culter-less Bears would be terrible, but they hung in there and came away with the win last night… but with a big ol’ asterisk, right? I think my MAIN MAN Calvin Johnson and his lil’ friend Matt Stafford will come to Chi-town and come away with a win pretty easily. Take the Lions… RAWR!
Philadelphia at Green Bay: Man, this should have been an easy pick… Take the Packers all the way, baby! But then Aaron Rodgers got hurt, leaving Seneca Wallace to “lead” the Pack. I think Seneca will get better as he plays 2-3 more games… but this week he won’t be good enough to get the win, even though they’re at home. I mean, The Simon was like “Who’s Nick Foles?” last week… and he’s apparently a guy who can throw 7 TDs in one game. Take the Eagles to win!
Tennessee at Jacksonville: And the “Jaguars REALLY want Jadeveon Clowney” train continues this week, when the Titans take down the Kitties.
St. Louis at Indianapolis: Have y’all seen that Andrew Luck playing recently? Girls, that hawt man is ON FIRE! [reaches for a fan; begins rapidly fanning himself]. Oh my! Take the Colts to win at home… I need a moment to cool down!
Oakland at New York Giants: Wow… this one is hard to pick. It woulda been easy last year: “Take Rachel Maddow and the Giants, stupid!”. But one never knows how the Derps will play this year. Maybe Manning throws 4 picks, maybe the G-Men actually look decent. And with the Raiders actually on the cusp of looking good… who knows? So Simon’s going to go with the ol’ “West Coast teams don’t play well on the East Coast” excuse and pick the Giants. Although a Raiders win wouldn’t surprise me, either.
Buffalo at Pittsburgh: Sigh. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It seems like the Steelers come up with new and improved ways to lose games this season. For the first several games, the Steelers’ defense looked decent, but the offense looked like it couldn’t score on a drunk chick on spring break. Well, last Sunday the offense actually looked pretty good against the Pats, After falling behind 14-0, and then 24-10 at the half, the Steeerls fougt back to tie it 24-all in the third quarter. And then the defense went to sleep, giving up 28 points in the 4th quarter. The offense scored 31 total points, which should be enough to win a damn game, especially since none of those were “garbage points”. The Simon is thinking the Steelers will rebound at home and do just enough to beat the Bills this week. Just enough.
Cincinnati at Baltimore: Yeah, the Ratburds are pretty good at home. But I don’t think they’re good enough to beat the Bengals this year. Both Big Ben and Unibrow McGee really aren’t earning their paychecks this season. The Bengals win this one to extend their overall lead in the division, and come even with the Browns at 2-1.
Carolina at San Francisco: Cam Newton… you are one SEXY man! Steve Smith… you are one ANGRY (but SEXY) man! The rest of the Panthers… y’all are hawt, too. But I don’t think you’re gonna win this week. Who would have thought this would be a fun game at the beginning of the season? Not Simon! But this just might be the most fun you’ll see on the gridiron all week! Having said that, Simon still thinks the 49ers come away with the win.
Houston at Arizona: Houston – not as good as everyone thought. Arizona – not a bad as everyone thinks. I think with the Texans being on the road, and the health of Gary Kubiak in question, the Cardinals sneak a win here.
Dallas at New Orleans: This is Fox’s Game of the Week, I bet. Watching Brees and Romo duke it out will be TOO MUCH FUN! But who wins, though? I think the game will be close… very close. It might even come down to who has the ball with 2 minutes left. But the Saints are so good at home, I think they squeak by with a win… of 3 points or less!
Miami at Tampa Bay: Oh my! Two of the most controversial teams in the league, and not for good reasons! No doubt the South Beach Mens are in disarray… but I think they’ll keep it together long enough to get the win over the Bucs. Take the Dolphins in a Monday Night squeaker!