SIMON’S PICKS – Week 1

SimonHey, y’all! Simon here! Can you believe it? It’s time for a new season of handsome, sweaty NFL mens and their skullcrackin’ thighs live on my TV set! PRAISE BE, GIRL! The Simon was 177-89 last year… let’s see if I can do EVER BETTER this year. You ready? Let’s go! 

 

 

Baltimore at Denver: With Ray Ray (and half the defense, and most of the receivers) gone, and Joe Flaccid’s unibrow under control, the Ratbirds just don’t seem to be the threat they were last year. That handsome Peyton Manning’s looking ageless as always. Simon says take the Broncos in this game!

New England at Buffalo: The best part of football coming back is having Tom Terrific on my TV set! He’s SO DREAMY! One wonders who Tom’s going to throw the ball to, however. Still, the Bills are awful as always, and Simon says the Patriots could sleepwalk through this game and win!

Cincinnati at Chicago: Which ugly Midwestern town will win this game? Who cares? Cincy has that weird cinnamon chili, while Chicago has those awful hot dogs! Blech! I’ll hold my nose and pick the Bears to win this one, but that doesn’t have to mean I like it!

Miami at Cleveland: My boys from South Beach are going to the Mistake by the Lake to take on the Brownies. Handsome former Steelers Mike Wallace should have a field day against the Browns who will, one again, suck (and not in the good way!) Put your money on the Dolphins and their hideous new logos!) on this one, girls!

Minnesota at Detroit: Those handsome Viking mens are going to take their rape and pillage show on the road against the puuuuufect Lions. And The Simon is pretty sure that the Lions will take this one!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – Week 1”

SIMON’S PICKS – SUPER BOWL XLVII

SimonHey, y’all! Simon here! I’m officially 177-88 for the season – let’s see if I can add just one more win to my total! Here’s my final insertion of Simon’s Picks… or, as I like to call it, Mens on Ball!

 

 


SUPER BOWL XLVII

Wow… can y’all believe that this season is almost over? Me and the boys at Mens International are kind of sad that football is going away. No more sweaty Adrian Peterson, no more glimpses of Calvin Johnson’s johnson, no more of that sexy hot chocolate Cam Newton. Mmmmm-mmmmmm, girl! I guess The Simon will have to satisfy himself with pretty hockey mens for now… Bonjour sexy hommes canadiens!

So… on to the Super Bowl. Is there anyone out there who wants to give Simon a ride to New Orleans this weekend? Simon doesn’t care so much about the game, but there are three rest stops and a men’s prison on the way there! Hi-yoooo! But seriously, is Simon funny? Steve Smith said I was the best gag man he’d ever seen! Hi-yoooo! Y’all can see me next weekend at Scorpio’s new open-mike comedy night, “Catch a Rising Johnson”! Hi-yooooo!

OK, seriously now… Is Simon the only one totally tired of the whole “brother versus brother” storyline? He’s not? Awesome! I think the Harbaugh brothers are just awful! They’re so angry and vocal… and they’re always working the refs on the sideline… and that’s my job! Hi-yoooo! So there’s that. And then there’s that goofball Joe “Unibrow McGee” Flacco, who will be giving it deep and long to that chocolate Adonis, Anquan Boldin. Hmmm-ummmm, girl! That’ll be something to see… along with ol’ Ray Ray’s knees. Will they hold out for one more game? Will grandpa need a walker to attend the post game festivities? More importantly, will anyone get stabbed that night? Here’s my advice, honey… if you see Ray Ray in a white suit… run the other way!

And then you’ve got the 49ers. Colin Kapernick is kind of handsome, but can someone get that man a stylist? Have you seen the stupid facial hair the guy has? Colin, you’re pretty hot in Simon’s book, but please go see my friend Longines at the salon, OK? Tell him Simon sent you; he’ll hook you up!

All joking aside, Simon thinks this will be a pretty good game! But he thinks the 49ers will win. Part of this is because that’s just how he thinks the game will play out. But part of this is because seeing  the Ravens hoist the Lombardi Trophy will give my daddy a heart attack. But then, sports makes strange bedfellows sometimes… and I’m not talking about that handsome Belgian boy from the club last weekend! No, my daddy is wondering if the Ravens win will other Ravens retire, too. Boldin, Ed Reed, etc. Daddy would much rather the Steelers play a Ravens team minus Reed, Boldin and others next year. So if the Ravens win and those guys retire, Daddy would be OK with that, too.

Simon wants to thank everyone who read his picks all season long. It’s challenging for a kitty with a brain the size of a walnut to write a full column every week, and if you guys like it then that makes me happy. But not as happy as watching sweaty, sexy mens… is there a college basketball game on?

Enjoy the pick, and have a great off-season!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!

– Simon

SIMON’S PICKS – CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND

SimonHey, y’all! Simon here! Wow… it’s hard to believe that they’re only three games left in this NFL season. Only three more games of sweaty, handsome mens with their skull-crackin’ thighs… Oh my! I went 3-1 last week, and am 176-87 for the season! Top THAT, y’all! Enjoy the picks for CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND! 

 

Baltimore at New England: Well, Simon was a little off in his prediction last week. Who knew that John Fix would take a knee with 30+ second and three time outs left, when the Falcons would win their game with even less time and two timeouts? Oh Foxy… you’re so not sometimes. Still I think this week will see the end of ol’ Ray-ray’s career. I still think the Ratbirds are overrated, and the biggest reason they won last week was Fox’s stupidity and Manning’s interception. Meanwhile, the Evil Empire has been firing on all cylinders. Rob Gronkowski out? No worries… Tom Terrific will get the job done, and look fabulous while doing it! And Unibrow McGee Joe Flacco? We’ll find out if he’s truly “elite” this week. I have a feeling that Wilfork and Company are gonna rock his world… and not in a good way. I don’t expect this to be the blowout the Pats\Texans game was, but I don’t think there will be much doubt as to who the better team is. Take the Patriots to win, honey: 42-24.

San Francisco at Atlanta: Well, this isn’t good. As you know, my daddy is from the ATL, and he nominally pulls for the Durty Birds, especially in situations like this. But I just don’t think Matty Ice and Company have it in them to pull it off. Sure, Colin Kaepernick has the stupidest facial hair of anyone in the league… but he’s also got them sexy legs which he uses to chew up the yardage for big gains. My little kitty heart really wants the Falcons to win (and especially that handsome hunk of Latino beefcake, Tony Gonzalez). But my intuition tells me that the 49ers will take this game. I think it’ll be close, though. I see the the West Coasters jumping out to an early lead, and Atlanta will close, but the final score will be 31-28, San Francisco. I hope Atlanta rises up, though.

 

Enjoy the picks, y’all! See you in a couple of weeks for my SUPER BOWL picks!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

– The Simon

SIMON’S PICKS – DIVISIONAL ROUND

SimonHey everybody! Simon here! Gosh, I know these picks are SO LATE, but you’ll have to forgive Simon… he was entertaining some guests from out of town – Tot ziens, y’all! I went 2-2 last week, but I have a really good feeling about this week. Enjoy the picks, y’all!

 


Baltimore at Denver:
Well, Ray-ray’s career will come to an end, this afternoon. I’ve been saying that the Ratbirds are overrated, and perhaps I looked a bit foolish last week with their takedown of the Colts. But rest assured, readers: ain’t no way the ‘Birds beat the Broncos today. Not in Denver. Not with Joe Flacco as QB. And even if it’s Ray-Ray’s last time to shine. Simon’s put all his Tender Vittles on the horses in this game, 35-17.

Green Bay at San Francisco: Now this should be a good game, sugah! If this game had happened a few weeks ago, everyone and their cute lil’ cousin would have picked the 49ers to win it easily. And rightfully so. But those handsome mens from Green Bay – especially Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson – are coming on strong here in the stretch, girlfriend! This game is just a complete tosser toss-up that Simon can’t decide! If Simon was going to bet his own money on it, he’d probably bet on the Packers. But since he isn’t – and because it’s hard to beat the 49ers at home – he’s going to go with the 49ers to win in a squeaker, 28-24.

Seattle at Atlanta: This is do or die time for the Falcons… and not just because it’s the playoffs. The past couple of seasons the team has whined about not getting “respect” from the media and fans. They’ve run up a record of 56-24 since 2008, but haven’t won a playoff game during that time. Well, here’s your chance, handsome mens! Knock Seattle out, and those demons go away, at least for a little while. And I think that’s what will happen: sexy Matt Ice will stay cool enough to get the job done. It’ll be much closer than most Falcons fans would like, though: 24-21

Houston at New England: Well, this is easy: take Tom Terrific and company all the way. The Simon’s thinking a Patriots blowout along the lines of 38-17.

Enjoy the picks! See y’all next week!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

The Simon!

SIMON’S PICKS – WILD CARD ROUND

SimonHey y’all! Simon here with my picks for Wild Card weekend… and here’s hoping it’s WILD! For the record, the Football Feline went 12-4 last week to end the season with the perfectly respectable score of 171-84. Yaaaaa me! Let’s see how I do in the first week of the playoffs! Have fun, y’all!

 

 

Cincinnati at Houston: You know, Vegas money is leaning towards the Texans. And why not? On paper, the Texans should beat the tar outta the Bengals. But Simon has watched the last few weeks of football pretty closely, and the Texans are losing momentum while the Kitties are peaking at just the right time. It’s possible that Arian Foster and that hannnnndddsoooomme Andre Johnson will show up for this game, but Simon is not convinced. Y’all, the Texans had the #1 seed all but locked up, but lost their last three games by a total of 45 points. The Bengals meanwhile… well, that Andy Dalton is still ugly… but I say AJ Green and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (isn’t that just the best name EVER?) will walk all over the cowmens! Take the Bengals to win, 28-17.

Minnesota at Green Bay: Wait… didn’t these two teams play last week? They did? I thought so! The Vikes pulled out a win at home last week… but since it’s win or go home time, and since they’re playing at Lambeau this week, all bets are off! Simon would just love it if that lil’ Adrian Peterson ran for 300 yards in this game, but he’s not sure it’ll happen. But if that hunky lil’ Christian Ponder plays as well as he has for the past couple of games, it’s all in the air! I still think the Packers win this one, but it’ll be close: 35-34.

Indianapolis at Baltimore: Andrew Luck?? Simon’s looking for yooooouuuu! And so is a good chunk of football fandom. If this were a “regular” playoff game, I’d look at how the teams have been performing lately. And there all signs would point to a Colts victory over the Ratbrids. I’m not saying this as a “bitter Steelers fan”, but let’s face it, folks: the Ravens simply aren’t as good as many think. They lost to the Eagles, barely beat the Patriots (in week 2, before the Pats got their act together), barely beat the Browns (twice), barely beat the Chiefs and Cowboys, got their ass handed to them by the Texans in week 7, barely beat the Steelers and Chargers in weeks 11 and 12, lost to the Charlie Batch Steelers at home in week 13, then lost to the Deadskins (barely) and the Broncos (badly). They then beat the Giants 33-14, the only impressive win of the season. Then, in week 17 they lost 23-17 to the same Bengals they beat 44-13 in week 1. Having said that, this could be Ray Lewis’ last game (‘Sup, Killah?). Ther’e no accounting for “mojo”, and it’s possible that Bawlmer could come out and kick Indy’s ass. But I’m thinking upset. I’m taking the Colts in a thrillah, 24-23.

Seattle at Washington: Wow… it’s the BATTLE OF THE SEXAY! Russell Wilson vs. Robert Griffin III. Oh my! I’ll need a cold shower after this game is over! I like RGB3, and I think the Deadskins will be OK for the next couple of years. But the Seachickens have been UNSTOPPABLE the past few games. I say the Seahawks win this game 21-10!

Enjoy the picks! See y’all next week!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

– Simon

SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 17

SimonOh my gosh, y’all! Better late than never, no? This week’s games start in less than 12 hours! I hope y’all will forgive me – I have just lost ALL sense of time with these holidays! I went 11-5 yet again last week, and am 159-80 for the season. Let’s see how I do in the final week of the regular season!

 

Tampa Bay at Atlanta: Will the Durty Birds play to win now that they have the #1 seed? I think so – take the Falcons!

New York Jets at Buffalo: Who cares? Take the Bills, if you must.

Baltimore at Cincinnati: Take the Tigers in my Upset of the Week™! The Bengals will win this one by 4 or more.

Chicago at Detroit: As banged up as the Bears are, I’ll take them over the Lions.

Jacksonville at Tennessee: Once again… who cares? Take the Titans.

Houston at Indianapolis: This will be a much better game than it looked in August, but I’ll still take the Texans.

Carolina at New Orleans: Oh Cam… this one is going to hurt. Take the Saints!

Philadelphia at New York Giants: The Iggles collapse is complete. Take the Giants!

Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Sigh. What a waste. Take the Steelers. Maybe.

Kansas City at Denver: Talk about cannon fodder… take the Broncos!

Green Bay at Minnesota: Yawn. Sorry it’s late: take the Packers!

Miami at New England: Sorry, Grandpa Jack. The Patriots will destroy the Fins.

Oakland at San Diego: Only fun if you want to see Norv’s last game with the Chargers, who will probably win.

Arizona at San Francisco: Take the 49ers, duh!

St. Louis at Seattle: The way the Seahawks are playing, I’m not sure who could beat them!

Dallas at Washington: I’ll never say this again: GO REDSKINS!

 

Enjoy the picks, y’all! See you for the playoffs!

XOXOXOXOXO

Simon.

SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 16

SimonJingle jingle, y’all! Simon here! Christmas is almost upon us, and I hope my gift to you is a list of puuuurfect picks! I went 11-5 again last week, for a total of 148-75 for the season. Let’s ho-ho-hope I can knock it out of the park this week! Y’all have a great Christmas! See y’all next week!

 
Atlanta at Detroit: Will Simon get his Christmas wish of seeing Calvin Johnson’s johnson? Probably not. But them Durty Birds will come to town and do a number on the Lions, honey! Take the Falcons!

New Orleans at Dallas: Although the Cowgirls beat the Steelers last week in OT, they didn’t look all that great against Pittsburgh’s fifth-string defenders (seriously, did you know any of those handsome mens the Steelers had on the field in the second half?). Sexy Drew Brees and that handsome Marques Colston will shred the Cowboys! Take the Aints!

Tennessee at Green Bay: Go green! Again! Take the Packers!

Indianapolis at Kansas City: Andrew Luuuuucccckk? Simon’s looking for yooooouuu! Don’t worry about this game, Colts fans: the last time a quarterback drafted by Kansas City won a game was 1987. Astsonishing, ain’t it? Take the Colts!

Buffalo at Miami: I like my South Beach mens in this game. Know why? Those Buffalo Boys are going to be too busy sippin’ Mai Tais on the beach to concentrate on the game! All those glistening bodies on the beach… I should check Expedia! Take the Dolphins!

San Diego at New York Jets: Wow… I’m sure this looked like an awesome game back in August. But just look at it now! Both the Jets and the Chargers are racing to see which team can implode first. And Dirty Sanchez will enjoy his last few weeks as a Jet. San Diego usually doesn’t play that well on the east coast, so take the Jets to eke out a win!

Washington at Philadelphia: I’m not sure what sport the Iggles are playing. With or without RG3 (“HEY HANDSOME!”), the Skins will win! Take the Redskins!

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh: Oh boy! Better tread carefully here! This is just about win or go home time for the Steelers, and they’re facing two teams at home that they’ve historically dominated. I want to pick the Steelers, especially with their backs to the wall like this. Having said that, the Kitties will keep it uncomfortably close. Like 16-13 close.

St. Louis at Tampa Bay: There’s a joke here somewhere about pirates and sheep… but it’ll be NO JOKE when the teams take the field: The Buccaneers will run all over the Rams (like, literally, honey! Doug Martin, I’ve got my eye on youuuu!).

Oakland at Carolina: Yawn. I love ya Cam, Jonathan and Steve.. but don’t make me watch your boring brand of football! When is Rivera gonna be fired? Is that in two weeks? Or three weeks? Having said all that, I’m picking the hometown kitties to win this one big! Take the Panthers, baby!

New England at Jacksonville: “And, like lambs to the slaughter, the Jacksonville Jaguars take the field!”. Take the Patriots to win… by at least 21 points!

Minnesota at Houston: If the handsome Cowmens can stop that slinky Adrian “What injury?” Peterson, then the game’s over. And I think they’re up to the task. Take the Texans!

Cleveland at Denver: The Simon has been defending the Browns all season long, calling them the “most dangerous 5-9 team in the league”. Well, I haven’t called them a “5-9” team all season long, ‘cos that would be silly. It would change week to week, like “most dangerous 5-8” team last week, or “most dangerous 4-7” team. You know what I’m sayin’, right? Oh dear… I’ve gotten off on a tangent again, haven’t I? We can edit that out later, right, Daddy? [Editor’s Note: No.] Hmmmph! Fine! Anyhoo, as dangerous as the Browns are, there’s NO WAY they beat the Broncos at home. No way at all.

Chicago at Arizona: Hey y’all! Let’s talk hot dogs! Ever have one of those ridiculous Chicago dawgs with the neon green relish and the tomatoes and the pickle spear? How about Sonora hot dogs, which are wrapped in bacon (yummy to Simon’s tummy!) and then covered in beans, grilled onions, fresh onions, tomatoes, mayo, cream sauce (I won’t even ASK about that!), mustard and Jalapeno salsa. What’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they eat hot dogs the New York Way, which is what God intended? Anyway, in the Duel of the Dogs, I say take the Bears to win, and win big. Like a “statement” kind of win.

New York Jets at Baltimore: My daddy says if the Steelers can’t win the AFC North, he sure as hell doesn’t want the Ratbirds to win! I don’t know if the Giants have the mojo to pull off in win in Bawlmer, but it would be delicious if they did. So I’m gonna take the Giants, although I think the Ravens will, in the end, squeak out a win.

San Francisco at Seattle: Whoever would have thought an NFC West game would be the Beatdown of the Week? Yet, here we are: this Sunday Night Football match-up should be the best game on TV this weekend, and The Simon doesn’t know who to pick! It’s SO HARD (heh) to win in Seattle thanks to all those hyped up latté sippers… but the 49ers are pretty much bad ass at this point. So I will represent my buddies in the gay community at pick the 49ers.Stay fabulous, y’all!

Again, Simon hopes y’all have a merry lil’ Christmas! See y’all next week!

XOXOXOXO

Simon

SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 15

SimonHey, y’all! Simon here! Well, I went 11-5 AGAIN last week, and am 137-70 for the season. And I’m actually busy planning some festive holiday brunches this week and have no time to do my regular full picks. Sorry ’bout that! Here’s a list of my picks, though, just so you can use them if you need ’em! 

 

Cincinnati at Philadelphia: Kitties always beat birds! Take the Bengals!

New York Giants at Atlanta: Apparently giants can beats birds, too. Take the Giants!

Green Bay at Chicago: Go green! Take the Packers!

Washington at Cleveland: The Skins will win! Take the Redskins!

Minnesota at St. Louis: I like Vikes on spikes! Take the Vikings!

Jacksonville at Miami: Kitties are smart… but not smarter Dolphins!

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: I guess you can put the ‘S’ back in front of their name: take the Saints!

Denver at Baltimore: Peyton goes bird hunting, highlights at 11! Take the Broncos!

Indianapolis at Houston: It’s hard to beat the Texans at home. Take the Texans!

Seattle at Buffalo: I don’t know how a bird would take down a bison, but it’s happening. Take the Seahawks!

Detroit at Arizona: The last nail in the Whiz’s coffin! Take the Lions!

Carolina at San Diego: Norv’s on the way out, but they’ll take out the Panthers! Take the Chargers!

Pittsburgh at Dallas: This depends on which two teams show up. I’ll take the Steelers, because they have Liverpool Syndrome*, but wouldn’t be surprised if the Cowboys won, either.

Kansas City at Oakland: Yaaaaaar! Take the Raiders to win this one!

San Francisco at New England: Wow! Good game! Take the Patriots at home, though.

New York Jets at Tennessee: The Monday Night Football game no one will watch. Take the Titans.

* – For the past several years, the Liverpool Football Club has played well against quality opponents like Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United. But they’ve really struggled against mediocre opponents like Queen’s Park Rangers. Does that sound familiar, Steelers fans?

Hope y’all enjoy the picks!

XOXOXOXO

Simon

SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 14

SimonHey, y’all! Simon here! Well, I went 11-5 last week, and am 126-65 for the season. I guess I shoulda listened to my daddy about the Steelers, huh? I got a stern “talking to” from him about it, and will pick the Steelers the rest of the way! So anyway, enjoy my picks for week 14!

 

Denver at Oakland: Y’all, Oakland is just terrible, while The Forehead and that sexy Demaryius Thomas are on FIRE! Pick the Broncos to win this game, and win it big!

St. Louis at Buffalo: Yawn. My daddy has a soft spot for Chan Gailey because he once coached for Georgia Tech. So I’ll take the Bills to win at home, although I don’t really care either way. And neither will millions of football fans!

Dallas at Cincinnati: Hoo boy! Now here’s a game! Head doofus Tony Romo heads to the City of Weird Chili to take on the Bungles. My daddy would love for Romo and his Band of Handsome Mens – Jason Witten, Dez Bryant, and especially Miles Austin – to come in and get a win. The return of that hawt fox DeMarco Murray will certainly help them out, too. As much as I’d like the Cowboys to win for my daddy, I think the Bengals will take the win here.

Kansas City at Cleveland: Oh Gawd! This game is even worse than the Rams\Bills game. I shouldn’t be too hard on the Chiefs after the Javon Belcher tragedy. But while they played an inspired game over the better-than-everyone-thinks Panthers, I’m not sure that the inspiration will carry over to this week. Take the Browns to win at home here. Gosh, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to say that… and I lick my own butt!

Tennessee at Indianapolis: Yawn. Take the Colts. I guess. Watching the cute lil’ Andrew Luck is better than watching paint dry… isn’t it?

Chicago at Minnesota: heh. People from MinnahSODA talk funny. “MinnahSODA”. hehehehe. Won’t matter for them, though. The Bears will come in and beat some Viking ass on Sunday!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 14”

SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 13

SimonHey, ya’ll! Simon here! Well, the Football Feline went 10-6 last week… good, but not great. I’m now 115-60 for the season, which is pretty good for a kitty! hehehehe! OK, pour yourself a Bloody Mary or a MANmosa and enjoy my picks for week 13!

 

New Orleans at Atlanta: Oh my! The folks from New Orleans might not think of the Falcons as much of a rival these says – and why not? The Aints are 17-8 in Atlanta since 2003 and have won 11 of the past 13 meetings overall – but I assure you that the Dirty Birds will take this game very seriously! My new crush Julio Jones will be catching balls all over the place, while that handsome Tony Gonzalez will keep rackin’ up the yards. The Simon thinks Matt Ryan and the Falcons will win at home this time, although it will keep to this season’s tradition and be a squeaker.

Jacksonville at Buffalo: Oh Lord! Please don’t tell me we’re getting this game! [checks TVguide.com…] Whew! We don’t! No, this week we get the thriller that is Carolina at Kansas City! What is it that my Uncle Scott always says? “$10 a seat, but you’ll only use the edge??” hehehehehe! Oh yes, back to Jacksonville at Buffalo, Ya know, Simon’s just gonna go ahead and pick the Bills to win the game, although he really doesn’t care WHO wins.

Seattle at Chicago: Man, have y’all seen those Chicago hot dogs? They’re giant beef franks served on a poppy seed bun and covered with mustard, onions, this crazy, neon green relish, a pickle spear, tomato slices and peppers! Simon doesn’t know what to think about that. Y’all know Simon’s an East Coast boy at heart, and when I think of hot dogs, I think of New York style, with onions (and maybe kraut) and mustard. Or I think about slaw dogs, my momma’s favorite way to eat a dog. Have y’all seen my momma? She’s so pretty! I love her so much! Yeah, I’m a momma’s boy… and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! She understands my fabulousness! OhMyGawd! Speaking of fabulous! Did y’all see Kate Middleton’s new haircut? NOT fabulous! Girl needed to call Simon before doing that to her hair! And another thing… what? Picks? Football? Oh yes! Hehehehehe… Simon gets distracted so easily! This should be a good game… especially with that gorgeous Russell Wilson on the field for Seattle! And with a name like Wilson, he HAS to be good, right? But it’s so hard to beat the Bears at home. I think Jay Quitter will lead the Bears through to victory

Indianapolis at Detroit: Well, I just don’t know what to do here! Calvin Johnson is obviously my main man (next to Tom Terrific!), but the Colts bring a lot to the table: Andrew Luck… Reggie Wayne… Austin Collie… Dwight Freeney… MAN, that’s a lot of sexy on one football team! I suppose Simon should be using some kind of statistical analysis to pick the winner of this game… but instead Simon’s just gonna pick whichever team has the most handsome mens! And I think the Colts win here! Ride ’em, cowboy! RAWR!

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