Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Well, the Football Feline went 10-6 last week… good, but not great. I’m now 115-60 for the season, which is pretty good for a kitty! hehehehe! OK, pour yourself a Bloody Mary or a MANmosa and enjoy my picks for week 13!
New Orleans at Atlanta: Oh my! The folks from New Orleans might not think of the Falcons as much of a rival these says – and why not? The Aints are 17-8 in Atlanta since 2003 and have won 11 of the past 13 meetings overall – but I assure you that the Dirty Birds will take this game very seriously! My new crush Julio Jones will be catching balls all over the place, while that handsome Tony Gonzalez will keep rackin’ up the yards. The Simon thinks Matt Ryan and the Falcons will win at home this time, although it will keep to this season’s tradition and be a squeaker.
Jacksonville at Buffalo: Oh Lord! Please don’t tell me we’re getting this game! [checks TVguide.com…] Whew! We don’t! No, this week we get the thriller that is Carolina at Kansas City! What is it that my Uncle Scott always says? “$10 a seat, but you’ll only use the edge??” hehehehehe! Oh yes, back to Jacksonville at Buffalo, Ya know, Simon’s just gonna go ahead and pick the Bills to win the game, although he really doesn’t care WHO wins.
Seattle at Chicago: Man, have y’all seen those Chicago hot dogs? They’re giant beef franks served on a poppy seed bun and covered with mustard, onions, this crazy, neon green relish, a pickle spear, tomato slices and peppers! Simon doesn’t know what to think about that. Y’all know Simon’s an East Coast boy at heart, and when I think of hot dogs, I think of New York style, with onions (and maybe kraut) and mustard. Or I think about slaw dogs, my momma’s favorite way to eat a dog. Have y’all seen my momma? She’s so pretty! I love her so much! Yeah, I’m a momma’s boy… and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! She understands my fabulousness! OhMyGawd! Speaking of fabulous! Did y’all see Kate Middleton’s new haircut? NOT fabulous! Girl needed to call Simon before doing that to her hair! And another thing… what? Picks? Football? Oh yes! Hehehehehe… Simon gets distracted so easily! This should be a good game… especially with that gorgeous Russell Wilson on the field for Seattle! And with a name like Wilson, he HAS to be good, right? But it’s so hard to beat the Bears at home. I think Jay Quitter will lead the Bears through to victory
Indianapolis at Detroit: Well, I just don’t know what to do here! Calvin Johnson is obviously my main man (next to Tom Terrific!), but the Colts bring a lot to the table: Andrew Luck… Reggie Wayne… Austin Collie… Dwight Freeney… MAN, that’s a lot of sexy on one football team! I suppose Simon should be using some kind of statistical analysis to pick the winner of this game… but instead Simon’s just gonna pick whichever team has the most handsome mens! And I think the Colts win here! Ride ’em, cowboy! RAWR!
Minnesota at Green Bay: Aside from that sexy Aaron Rodgers, there’s not much Simon likes about Green Bay. I mean… meat packers? Ewwwww! That’s NASTY! And all those fat, cheese eating fans? Gross! Simon would much rather hang out with a bunch of nasty Vikings! Y’all can raid my shores any old time! But I just don’t think they have it in them to win at Lambeau this year. Take the Packers to win, and fairly easily, too!
Houston at Tennessee: Man, ain’t no way Tennessee wins this one! Take the Texans as my Lock of the Week™!
Carolina at Kansas City: Welcome to Suck Bowl 2012, ladies and gentlemens! I’m sure the Panthers will win this game… but who cares? Y’all know that old joke about how if you win a gold medal at the Special Olympics, you’re still retarded? Weeeelllll…
San Francisco at St. Louis: Another game that’s not much of a challenge! But who is the Colin Kaepernick guy? Y’all know I love me some brown boys, and he’s handsome! He just needs a little Simon makeover! And he’ll be a winner this Sunday, too! Take the 49ers to handle this one easily! Who’s got it better than you guys? NOBODY!
New England at Miami: Tom Terrific takes his handsome show on the road after humiliating the Jets 49-19 on Thanksgiving. Tom? Tom? Please call me! I’ll make you forget all about that Giselle! Oh who am I kidding! Giselle is beautiful. Heck, I don’t even like girls and I’d do her! But speaking of “doing things”, the only thing the Pats will be doing is steamrolling the Dolphins (sorry, grandpa!). Take the Patriots to barely break a sweat in this game!
Arizona at New York Jets: Sigh… another awful game. Take Toe Sucker and the Jets to win this game… not that anyone will care. I’m sad to hear about Fireman Ed, though. It seems that many unhappy Jets fans thought that Ed – a superfan and season ticket holder who’s been cheering the team on in his “Fireman Ed” persona since 1986 – was somehow being paid by the team. And they’ve been giving him all kinds of grief, like calling him names in the bathroom or trying to pick fights with him in the parking lot. So this week Ed decided to “retire”. He’ll still go to Jets home games, he’ll just be sitting elsewhere in other people’s seats, and without his fireman’s hat. So thanks for that, Jets fans!
Tampa Bay at Denver: Wow! This could be a good game. The resurgent (and SEXY!) Bucs going to Denver to take on Mr. Forehead and his band of merry mens! But I think that, a resurgent Tampa Bay team aside, the Broncos win this one. Although it might be work watching!
Cleveland at Oakland: Gross. Take the Browns to win in my Upset of the Week™, though!
Pittsburgh at Baltimore: Well, if you could only watch one NFL game a week, this would normally be the one game to watch. But Pittsburgh’s offense is just such a question mark! My main man Antonio Brown will probably be back, so there’s that. But if there’s no one to throw him the ball, what does it matter? My daddy’s favorite Steeler running back, Jonathan Dwyer, has been named as the starting RB, a move my daddy thinks was long overdue (he has one fewer fumble than Mendenhall, but has had three times as many carries!). Of course, the Steelers’ defense has been playing lights out the past couple of weeks, limiting the Ravens to zero offensive TDs in their first matchup, and doing a pretty good job of holding off the Browns, despite having the offense cough up eight effective turnovers last week (they actually had 9, but the last fumble came on a crazy lateral play at the end of the game). Word on the street is that Troy Polamalu will be back, and normally that’d help. But the way the D has been playing lately, I’m not entirely sure he’s as needed as many Steeler fans think. So… what’s the bottom line here? Well, the Ravens aren’t as good as people think (San Diego not only forced them to overtime last week, but they played 13+ minutes of that overtime, too!) But the Ravens are hard to beat at home. If (and boy, is this a BIG ‘if’) Big Ben comes back this Sunday, the Steelers have a chance, especially given how desperate they are for a win. If Big Ben stays on the sidelines (and this pick is written assuming that he is) then I just don’t see how the Steelers can win this one. So maybe pick the Steelers if Ben plays, but pick the Ravens if he doesn’t.
Philadelphia at Dallas: Man, I TOLD YOU the Carolina Kitties would beat the Eagles last week, didn’t I? You should listen to Simon! Despite the best efforts of Romo and company to lose this game, I think Dallas comes up with the win while Philly continues to implode. Take the Cowboys to win at home, and let the “Who is the Eagles’ new coach?” talk to commence in earnest!
New York Giants at Washington: Don’t be silly: take the Giants here!
Hope y’all enjoy the picks! See y’all next week!