Random Thoughts

Have you ever been at home, doing some task (like the dishes), with your headphones on, and you’re just groovin’ to the tunes and lost in the task at hand, so lost that when you open the door and see that it’s raining when it wasn’t before you’re like “HOLY SHIT! IT’S RAINING!!”, as if you’re the first person to ever see rain?

*     *     *

As I get older, certain “rules” of social behavior get easier to understand, while others get harder. The “big rules”, like those against murder or adultery, get easier to accept and understand. But the finer points of social interaction seem to get more difficult for me to grasp.

I was at Walmart a couple of days ago, and as I stood in the checkout line I noticed that ChapStick has a new “Red Velvet Cupcake” flavor. “OMG!”, I thought to myself, “Lisa’s co-worker Kim loves anything red velvet! I should get her a tube!”

But then I thought “is that OK? Is that appropriate? Should I be buying another man’s wife ChapStick? Is that weird? What if some random dude bought Lisa ChapStick? How would I feel about that? But hell, man… you’re not ‘some random guy’! You know Kim. You went to her wedding! You’ve gone out bar hopping with her and her husband! It’s not like you have anything ‘going on’ with her… and it’s not like you’re buying her a dozen roses or some sex toy or something. But speaking of, why would I buy someone ChapStick? Maybe I should get her a couple quarts of oil and a belt sander while I’m here… ‘cos a tube of ChapStick is a pretty random thing, even if she loves red velvet. But then there was that time in Latin class… remember your professor? The sweet older Southern lady who kinda looked like Flannery O’Connor and lived in that HUGE house in Druid Hills and went to Agnes Scott back when that was something to be proud of? What was her name? Anyway, remember that one time when she had a horrible case of the sniffles, and during a break you went to that convenience store next to Walter’s – remember? It was called ‘Fast Lane’ and that older Indian guy worked there who tried to be really hip with the college kids with his ‘heeeeeyyy doooode, what’s a happenin’?’, and you were gonna write that pilot for a sitcom called Life in the Fast Lane… Anyway, the Latin professor, whose name you can’t remember but was realty sweet, had the sniffles and you went to Fast Lane and bought her a pack of tissues, and that wasn’t weird? Remember that?”

Aaaaaannnndddd this, folks, is why I couldn’t get in any of the “good” universities.

*     *     *

Hey atheists: what if I told you your mockery of religion is as disrespectful as me calling your precious snowflake of a baby “ugly”, and your constant atheist proselytizing is not only “as annoying” as Jehovah’s Witnesses or Old School Baptists, it’s actually worse because you’re selling… nothing.

Imagine walking on to a car lot, and being approached by the typical Ingratiating, smarmy, sycophantic, sleazy, greasy car salesman. Now imagine, just as you start talking with the salesman, another salesman appears – just as Ingratiating, smarmy, sycophantic, sleazy, and greasy as the first guy – only this guy is calling you and your need for a car “stupid” and “ridiculous”, and he tries to get you to not buy a car. That’s not annoying at all, is it?