Hey, y’all! Simon here! Man, I take one week off, and my lil’ sister goes 10-5! Nice, sister! Maybe YOU should do the picks from now on!
Me (or, I guess “we”) are 60-32 for the season… Let’s see if we can do even better this week!
Seattle at Arizona: Well, this one isn’t even a challenge! That Russell Wilson and his skull crackin’ thighs are gonna beat up on those poor birds this Thursday night! Take the Seahawks on this one, ladies!
Tampa Bay at Atlanta: Simon’s a little worried about the Durty Birds, y’all! They lost to the Jets, and the next week the winless Steelers went to the Meadowlands and beat the snot out of the Jets at home. Seriously: if Pittsburgh’s offense could have gotten it in gear, the score would have been 35-6 instead of 19-6! So how good are the Falcons? Simon thinks they’re good enough to beat the trainwreck that is the Bucs. Take Matty Ice, that HANDSOME Tony Gonzales (I do love me some Latin mens!) and the Falcons to take down the South Florida Pirates this weekend!
Cincinnati at Detroit: OMG! Tigers versus Lions? It’s like kitty porn for Simon! Oh lord! Ladies, I declare, I’ll need a fan to get me through this game! This game is SImon’s Upset of the Week™ – most of the talking heads have the Lions winning this one, but Simon thinks the Bengals will win this one and solidify their hold on the AFC North!
Buffalo at Miami: As much as Simon likes pulling for the underdawg, he’s just gotta go with the chiseled mens from South Beach in this game! All that tight, dark skin, glistening in the Florida sun… umm-umm-ummm, girl! Where was I? Oh yes! Take the Dolphins to win this one!
New England at New York Jets: Time for the Patriots bi-annual beatdown of the Jets. Given the spectacular win Tom Terrific put together last week, I think Mr Handsome won’t even break a sweat in this game: take the Patriots to win this one, ladies!
Dallas at Philadelphia: The NFC Least, the division that ESPN just won’t shut up about, is an amazing 7-16 so far this season, and four of those wins came from within the division! That’s good football, folks! NOT! Even though they’re on the road this week, I don’t think that goofball Tony Romo will have much of a problem, and the Cowboys will beat the Iggles. Because this game isn’t important enough for Romo to throw that poorly-timed interception!
Chicago at Washington: BREAKING NEWS: the Washington Redskins have announced that their name is offensive, and they will be immediately changing it to the “Maryland Redskins”! Hahaha! Yeah, I know: that joke’s been floating around the Internet all week! But speaking of jokes and Redskins… Chicago comes to town this week, and the Bears will win easily. Take it to the bank, yo!
St. Louis at Carolina: Simon has a tough time getting excited for this game. I mean, in the end, someone is going to win… but who cares, really? Sure, I think my hometown Panthers will win, but so what? Simon could win one leg of the Tour de France… does that mean I’m gonna win the whole thing?
San Diego at Jacksonville: Really? Can’t we just demote Jacksonville to the Arena League or something? Take the Chargers, even if they’re not in their powder blues!
San Francisco at Tennessee: Oh my God… the games are getting worse! What’s next? The ’85 Bears versus the ’76 Bucs? Gaaaawwwddd! Take the 49ers to win, unless their plane crashes or something.
Cleveland at Green Bay: Slightly better, but not my much. It’s hard to win at Lambeau, and the Brows will find that out. Even with half the damn team hurt, the Packers will still whip up on the hapless Browns.
Houston at Kansas City: Now see… THIS could have been a good game. But the Pick Six machine that is Houston will surely fall to the Chiefs. The Simon wonders if the Texans aren’t the “worst team that’s actually supposed to be good” in the NFL.
Baltimore at Pittsburgh: So… the Steelers actually resembled a football team last week. The offense wasn’t great, but the defense harassed Geno Smith all day long, even coming away with two interceptions (which probably should have been four, had the defenders held on to the ball). Troy Polamalu even showed glimpses of his old self, knocking the crap outta Stephen Hill after one catch. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The handsome mens from Steeltown (especially that Antonio Brown… HEYYYY ANTONIO! SIMON’S LOOKIN’ AT YOOOOOUUU!) have won one game. But the Ravens aren’t playing like Super Bowl contenders, either. They barely beat Miami (who isn’t as good as people think) and had unimpressive wins against Cleveland (who suck) and Houston (who, apparently, really sucks). So.. who wins this game? It’s hard to tell. If the Steelers team that beat the Jets last week shows up, then Pittsburgh has a really good chance of winning. The question is, was the Jets win a fluke, or is Pittsburgh slowly getting it together? If I was allowed to say “your call” I would. But since my daddy loves the Steelers, I say go with them. But don’t be surprised if the Ravens come away with a win, too.
Denver at Indianapolis: Although Denver is the team to beat in the AFC, they’re hardly invincible. Defensively, the Broncos rank 29th in the league, between Washington and Dallas. If someone can come up with a way to keep the Broncos offense in check, they could win pretty easily. I don’t think the Colts will be the team to do it, as I’m almost certain the Broncos win this game. But the Colts could make it interesting!
Minnesota at New York Giants: The Football Feline predicts another upset: although the Vikings look awful last week – and who knows, they may call ME to play QB this week! – the Giants are just plain terrible, If the Giants can get it together and get an early lead, they might come away with the win. But Simon thinks the Vikings will take one from them! You heard it here FIRST, ladies!