RIGHTING THE WRONGS: Van Halen and M&Ms

The 1980s were decadent times for rock stars. Stories of bad behavior by some of rock’s finest – from trashing hotel rooms to over-the-top demands – were splashed all over the headlines. And few of those stories were as famous as the “Van Halen M&Ms” story.

If you weren’t around in the 80s, the rock supergroup Van Halen had a clause in their concert contracts which stipulated that the band would be provided with one large bowl of M&M candies with all brown candies removed.

Once the “M&Ms” story leaked to the press, social commentators jumped all over it. Some called it an egregious example of the spoiled behavior of rock artists. Some saw it as yet another sign of the decline of Western Civilization. And to this very day, any time a story about a celebrity acting like a diva surfaces, my mom rolls her eyes, clucks her tongue, and asks if “she wants the brown M&Ms taken out of the bowl, too??”

Here’s the thing, though: the band put the “no brown M&Ms” clause in their contracts for a very good reason.

*     *     *

Van Halen was one of the first rock bands to bring truly massive concerts to smaller cities like Macon, Georgia or Tempe, Arizona. Arena staff in smaller cities were used to bands coming to town with, at most, three tractor-trailers full of equipment. But Van Halen would roll into town with nine tractor-trailers. It was a lot of stuff, and staff at these venues were frequently overwhelmed. And when people are overwhelmed, they make mistakes. At a concert, “making a mistake” during setup can make the band sound bad or it can kill someone… which is exactly what the band was afraid of.

*     *     *

At the heart of any major concert is the contract. Most of these contracts are standard legal text that varies little from performer to performer. In fact, if one were to take the core contract from a Katy Perry concert in Nevada and a Foo Fighters concert in Florida and switch the artist and state names, there’s little chance anyone would even notice.

Each band “customizes” their contracts by attaching specific demands via something called a “rider”. Each contract can have hundreds of such riders.

You’ve probably more familiar with the “outrageous” personal riders artists have included over the years. For example, Willie Nelson requires that all his shows be smoke-free (don’t ask about Willie’s own type of “smoke”). The Beach Boys demand several Bic lighters in the backstage area, but absolutely no green ones. Country group Alabama demands that NO ANIMALS OF ANY KIND be allowed backstage. Meanwhile, animal lover Paul McCartney not only bans leather furniture backstage, he’s also banned all types of synthetic leather as well. Madonna once requested some $200 French candles for her dressing room. And to the very end, Prince required that EVERYTHING in his dressing room be covered in plastic wrap (yes, really).

The thing is, although the nutty personal riders make headlines, the vast majority of riders are actually technical in nature. They’ll include the size and weight requirements for the stage, electrical and lighting needs, pyrotechnical needs, data and fiber optic cabling specifications, sound and video board requirements, office space requirements for tour personnel, minimum number of security personnel, etc. It’s like an instruction manual for a concert, only in legalese.  For instance, a rider might say something like

“Article 148: There will be fifteen amperage voltage sockets at twenty-foot spaces, spaced evenly, providing nineteen amperes total, on beams suspended from the ceiling of the venue, which shall be able to support a total gross weight of 5,600 pounds each, and be suspended no less than 30 feet, but no more than 37.5 feet, above the stage surface.”

Van Halen’s concert contracts would have several hundred such demands, causing lead singer David Lee Roth to joke that the band’s contracts were so thick they looked “like a Chinese Yellow Pages”.

The staff at large venues like New York’s Madison Square Garden and Atlanta’s The Omni were used to complex shows like Van Halen’s, so the band usually played there without incident. But the band kept noticing errors, sometimes significant errors, in the stage setup in smaller cities. The band needed a way to know that their contract had been read fully. And this is where the “no brown M&Ms” came in.

The band included a request for “a large bowl of M&M candies” with their backstage demands for typical things like Coca-Cola, whiskey, cigarettes and sandwiches. But, hidden deeply in the middle of the technical riders, the band added this clause:

“Article 126: There will be no brown M&M’s in the backstage area, upon pain of forfeiture of the show, with full compensation”.

That way, the band could simply enter the backstage area and look for a bowl of M&Ms. No brown M&Ms? Someone read the contract fully, so there were probably no major mistakes. A bowl of M&Ms with the brown candies? No bowl of M&Ms at all? Stop everyone and check every single thing, because someone didn’t bother to read the contract. Roth himself said:

“So, when I would walk backstage, if I saw a brown M&M in that bowl… well, line-check the entire production. Guaranteed you’re going to arrive at a technical error. They didn’t read the contract. Guaranteed you’d run into a problem. Sometimes it would threaten to just destroy the whole show. Something like, literally, life-threatening.”

The “no brown M&Ms” clause became a national news story after an “incident” at University of Southern Colorado (now Colorado State University-Pueblo). The national press told a story of unacceptable behavior from the band, and how they caused $85,000 worth of damage to the arena.

David Lee Roth remembers it a bit differently:

The folks in Pueblo, Colorado, at the university, took the contract rather kinda casual. They had one of these new rubberized bouncy basketball floorings in their arena. They hadn’t read the contract, and weren’t sure, really, about the weight of this production; this thing weighed like the business end of a 747.

I came backstage. I found some brown M&M’s, I went into full Shakespearean “What is this before me?” . . . you know, with the skull in one hand . . . and promptly trashed the dressing room. Dumped the buffet, kicked a hole in the door, twelve thousand dollars’ worth of fun.

The staging sank through their floor. They didn’t bother to look at the weight requirements or anything, and this sank through their new flooring and did eighty thousand dollars’ worth of damage to the arena floor. The whole thing had to be replaced. It came out in the press that I discovered brown M&M’s and did eighty-five thousand dollars’ worth of damage to the backstage area.

Well, who am I to get in the way of a good rumor?

SONGS I LOVE: “Melody of a Fallen Tree”

Marie Antoinette SoundtrackI don’t remember exactly how I came across the soundtrack to Sofia Coppola’s 2006 film Marie Antoinette. I do remember looking at the track list and thinking “OK, mostly 80s music, with some baroque pieces thrown in, as well as a few tunes by new bands… It’s worth a look!”

As it turned out, the soundtrack was mostly a bust. I, of course, already owned all the 80s songs on the 2-disc album, and thanks to a “baroque phase” from a few years ago, I’m pretty much “done” with the whole pre-1750 genre. Most of the songs by “new” bands were OK, but didn’t leave much of an impression on me… most of them that is, except “Melody of a Fallen Tree” by Austin, Texas based post-rock band Windsor for the Derby. It’s one of those rare tracks that I instantly fell in love with. I threw it on my iPod Shuffle and listened to it over and over while walking, doing the dishes, etc. But my favorite story involving the song had to do with my last trip to Isle of Palms, South Carolina:

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, and it was hot – not so hot that it’s not comfortable, but hot enough to remind you that you’re at the beach. Relief from the heat was provided by a constant, gentle breeze from the ocean. I was lying down on a beach towel with my back to the sand. I had my Shuffle on, but not so loud that I couldn’t hear the occasional roar of the surf or seagull overhead when the music hit a quiet point. I had been lying there for some time, and my iPod had worked its magic, randomly playing a whole bunch of tunes – mostly mellow tunes – that I wanted to hear.

You’re probably heard marijuana smokers talking about “zoning out” to a song; well, that’s exactly what I did when “Melody of a Fallen Tree” came on… only I was completely sober. I relaxed, then relaxed some more, then relaxed even more. I was completely awake and fully aware of my surroundings, yet I was so relaxed and calm that I almost feeling as if I were in a different state of existence. As the song played on, I felt my earthy cares fade away. I became fully aware of gravity pulling my back onto the sand. I could feel the existence of everything. There was everything yet nothing from the very tip of my nose, up through the sky, all the way to the very end of the Universe. I wasn’t simply a person on vacation on a beach, I was part of the everything that made up God’s creation. I felt the earth rotate through the aether, and it seemed to me that I should feel like I was on a roller coaster… but I was too calm to worry about it. I was too busy visualizing all of the uncounted trillions of atoms of everything that had made up not just me, not just the beach, not just the hotel… but all the atoms that made up Jupiter, Europa, Neptune and all the other planets outside our tiny galaxy. I saw how beautiful it was that that which made up which made the Sun and all the stars was the very same thing that made me me. Every part of me – every tiny little atom – was once nothing but dust floating through space. Though I was only 36 years old, the teeny, tiny bits of carbon that made me could have been spewed from a dying star billions of years ago and traveled across all the light years of the universe… just to make me me. And those tiny bits of carbon have been recycled over and over and over again. Perhaps one day, those bits of carbon would play a part in forming a mighty mountain. Perhaps they’d sit at the bottom of the sea for millions of years, until our Sun finally spent the last of its fuel and exploded, sending the parts of me back out into space, to float around for aeons… until those parts became someone else, somewhere else.

Right about that point – just when heaven and earth were merging into a perfectly beautiful synthesis of all things and nothing… Lisa tapped me on the shoulder.

“I’m hungry! We should get lunch.”

The beautiful moment I was enjoying – a moment that felt as if it could stretch out into infinity – suddenly came crashing down around me. I snapped at Lisa – not because I was mad at her, exactly, but because I had been ripped away from such a beautiful place. But then I thought.. “you know, a fried grouper sandwich would be good right now.”

And so I left that moment on the beach, where it will stay… forever and ever.

[audio:windsor.mp3]

COOL WP PLUG-IN: Sidebar Page Sections

WordPress comes with several interesting and helpful widgets built-in. A WordPress site owner can log in to the admin panel of his or her site and click on Presentation > Widgets and add, remove or reorder several available widgets. If you don’t want the “Categories” widget on your blog’s main page, simply drag it from the sidebar mockup to the “Available Widgets” bank at the bottom of the screen, and it will no longer appear in the sidebar. If you’d prefer to have the “Recent Comments” widget appear above the “Recent Posts” widget, simply drag the Comments post above the Posts widget, and they’ll be reordered the next time you load your home page.

Perhaps the handiest widgets are “text widgets”, which, despite their name, can contain HTML code. You see the pic of Arthur Guinness at the top of the sidebar? That was created with HTML code typed into a text widget. The WIMZI widget? HTML code that was copied from AOL’s site and pasted directly into another text widget. The “I’m listening to:” and “I’m reading:” widgets? Both are single lines of HTML code pasted into text widgets.

There are two problems with text widgets, however. The first is that WordPress doesn’t give you any way to give each widget a meaningful name, so you’re stuck with widget names like “Text 1”, “Text 2” and so on. Is the WIMZI widget “Text 5” or “Text 6”? The only way to know is to actually open the widget and look at the code inside. The other problem is that WordPress, by default, only allows you to have a maximum of 9 text widgets. This may seem like a lot, but once you start playing around with things, you just might find yourself bumping up against the maximum number.

The Sidebar Page Sections plug-in fixes both of these problems, albeit in a clumsy way. You install the plug-in the same way you install any plug-in. Then you click on Presentation > Sidebar Page Sections. You’ll see three text boxes on the page that opens: the first is marked “Title Tag”, the second is “Page Sections” and the last – the one we’re interested in – is called “Named Text Blocks”. Just type in the names you’d like to give each widget (one per line, please) and click “Save Options” when done. Then click the Widgets link, and you’ll see a bunch of new widgets in your “Available Widgets” bank. Unfortunately, there’s no way to automagically copy the text from the widget “Text 5” to your new “WIMZI” widget, so you’ll need to drag the “WIMZI” widget to the sidebar, open “Text 5”, copy the text therein, paste it into “WIMZI”, then drag “Text 5” back to the bank. Oh, and you’ll also need to repeat this for all your other widgets. Like I said, it’s not pretty, but it beats constantly opening “Text 4” to see which widget it is. Oh, and you can have as many “Named Text Blocks” as you’d like with this plug-in; the 9 widget limit does not apply.

The plug-in also has a nifty feature that allows you to gather WordPress pages into “groups” that only appear when certain conditions are met. For example, let’s say you have a “Cars” page on your blog where you talk about how much you love cars. You also have several “sub pages” for each make you like, such as “Chevy”, “Nissan” and “Toyota”. If you don’t want the “make pages” showing up in your main pages list, you can create a “sub group” and tell it to only appear on the “Cars” page. That way, your front page remains clean and the make pages only show up where appropriate. Note that I haven’t tested this functionality at all.

Site Update: Plugoo Gone, WIMZI In

Just ten days I ago, I permanently swapped out the old IM Online widget for the Plugoo instant messaging widget. In the post announcing the change, I badmouthed AOL’s WIMZI, a similar widget. With egg on my face and crow in my belly, I hereby announce that I’ve swapped the Plugoo widget for WIMZI. The Plugoo widget simply took forever to load at times; although it didn’t affect the load times for the jimcofer.com home page, it still annoyed me that the widget would sit there doing nothing for (at times) up to 5 minutes before loading. I’m not a fan of AOL (or AIM, for that matter), but at least the WIMZI widget loads much faster. Again, I’ll give it a try and see how it goes.

Juno Robbed!

Well, my favorite movie of the past year – Juno – was nearly shut out of this year’s Academy Awards, with Diablo Cody winning for Best Original Screenplay as its “only” award. As I predicted, No Country For Old Men mopped up: the Cohen brothers took home awards for Best Movie, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay while Spain’s Javier Bardem took home the award for Best Supporting Actor. Frankly, I’m stunned. Gobsmacked, even. In my “picks post” I said that I “needed 20 cups of coffee to make it through the movie”. To be honest, that was a bit of an exaggeration. The movie is OK, I guess. But bleak, very bleak. Juno was, in fact, the only “non bleak” movie in the running this year, and was also the only movie up for Best Picture that I’d encourage my friends to go see. Oh well…

I managed to go 9-10 this year, which doesn’t seem that bad until you realize that three of my wins are due to The Bourne Ultimatum sweeping the technical categories. Taking Bourne out of the equation, I went 6-10, which is pretty awful. But not as awful as the Tilda Swinton’s acting in Michael Clayton. Didn’t anyone in the Academy see Gone Baby Gone? Sure, the film’s ending was pretty stupid… but Amy Ryan nailed that part. I absolutely loathed her in that film, almost to the point of wanting to hit her… and that’s exactly how her character should have been played.

Daniel Day-Lewis winning for There Will Be Blood? I guess. I didn’t dislike the film, or Day-Lewis’s acting in it… It just seems that he took the “Bill the Butcher” character from Gangs of New York and toned it down a little. Viggo Mortensen, on the other hand, was incredible in Eastern Promises. Hey Academy! You realize that Viggo is American, right? That he was born in New York, right? I guess it doesn’t hurt that Viggo’s co-star in the film was Naomi Watts, who I think is just as cute as a button. Hey – you know who Naomi Watts reminds me of? Imagine if Claire Danes had grown up to be pretty… I think she’d look like Naomi Watts. Instead, Danes got uglier as time went on, then went and had some weird plastic surgery or something. Ewwwww..

Javier Bardem beat Casey Affleck for best supporting actor? Meh – I saw that one coming from a mile away.

What I didn’t see was Marion Cotillard winning for La Vie en Rose. I didn’t see the film (is it possible to have negative interest in seeing a film?), but if Ellen Page wasn’t going to win, and if Cate Blanchett wasn’t going to win, then I don’t give a damn who wins.

Is it just me, or is Helen Mirren kind of hot for a 63 year-old?

Why no Brad Renfro in the “In Memoriam” tribute? Was he not a member of the Academy? If not, what do you have to do to get into the Academy? Renfo was in 21 films, exactly 1 more film than Heath Ledger, who was included in the tribute. Hmmmm. At least ABC muted the audience applause this year. It seems like in past years the “In Memoriam” tribute had turned into “The World’s Least Tasteful Popularity Contest”.

Oh well, enough of all that. With TV getting better and better these days, I’m kind of looking forward to the Emmys on September 21 more than the next Oscars.

More on the US Anglican “deal”

On Saturday, George Conger reported that Katharine Jefferts Schori, the Presiding Bishop of the United States (thereafter referred to a KJS… or “Satan”) is “backing” the proposed deal where a “conservative enclave” would be established in the United States for conservative Anglicans. However, Brad Drell is reporting that all is not what it seems with the so-called “deal”. First of all, KJS isn’t exactly “backing” the deal. She met late last week with several conservative American bishops, who essentially told her what they were doing, asserted that it violated no canon or law of the Episcopal Church, and essentially dared her to challenge them. And not only that, while this deal might be a good stopgap measure for people in conservative dioceses like Fort Worth or Pittsburgh, it does absolutely nothing for conservative Anglicans trapped in liberal dioceses (like, I don’t know… the diocese of North Carolina?). This would be a temporary solution (at best) until a new province could be formed.

Sigh. It’s lonely being an Anglican in North Carolina.

Celebrity Recipes!

I have sort of a “love-hate” thing for celebrities.

On the one hand, the egalitarian streak in me thinks of them as regular people, just like you and me. This is why I get so bent out of shape when celebrities easily get out of legal trouble or go on TV to tell us who to vote for.

On the other hand, they are “America’s Royalty”, aren’t they? That’s why it’s just so hard for me to picture Tom Cruise popping a Lean Cuisine in the microwave, or Julia Roberts sorting through piles of “you’ve been pre-approved for a platinum Mastercard!” junk mail.

I guess the illusion of royalty is why I’m so fascinated by celebrity recipes. Again, celebs are just people, and like anyone else they had mothers who whipped up green bean casserole or beans and franks when they were kids. Maybe I secretly think that celebrities don’t eat. Maybe I think that every celebrity, no matter how d-list, has their own cooking staff. I don’t know… but the thought of Reese Witherspoon or Johnny Depp in the kitchen just strikes me as… odd.

That’s why I’m fascinated with this site, which has dozens of recipes culled from various celebrity cookbooks. Most of the “celebrities” featured on the site are from your parent’s (or grandparent’s) generation… and some of the recipe names just might crack you up – “Liberace’s Sticky Buns” and “Dinah Shore’s Red Snapper” come to mind – but there’s lots of great stuff to be had there. Even better: each recipe is available as a Microsoft Word file, so there’s no need to cut and paste!

My 2008 Oscar Picks!

So I’m sitting at my desk on Thursday afternoon when the thought crossed my mind: “Oh crap! The Oscars are this Sunday!”

You see, I had.. uhhh.. “obtained” copies of almost all the movies in this year’s Oscar race; I’ve had some them as far back as last September. I had not, however, actually seen most of them. So from Friday night until the wee hours of Sunday morning, I watched seven of the movies below. And boy, are my eyes tired! I am “cinematically exhausted”, if such a thing actually exists.

And so… below is my list of Oscar picks for 2008. My picks are in RED. Keep a couple of things in mind when you read my choices:

  1. This list is of the nominees I want to win, not necessarily nominees I think will win. I predict the awful No Country For Old Men (a movie I needed 20 cups of coffee to get through) will clean up this year.
  2. I tried to be objective as possible, and decide each award on its own merits. I did my best to stay away from “Johnny Depp has been in so many great movies, he really needs an Oscar”, “George Clooney was robbed in 2005″ and\or “Hal Holbrook is getting old, this might be his last chance to get an Oscar!” I will admit, however, that a previous Oscar win did have an impact in one category this year: best supporting actor. Personally, I thought that Philip Seymour Hoffman was great in Charlie Wilson’s War; had he not won the Oscar for Capote in 2005, I probably would have picked him this year.
  3. Categories in strikethough are categories that I either don’t have an opinion on (“Best original song”), or films I did not have the chance to see (Such as “Best Live Action Short Film”).

Without further ado… my picks!

 

Best motion picture of the year

Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Achievement in directing

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Julian Schnabel)
Juno (Jason Reitman)
Michael Clayton (Tony Gilroy)
No Country for Old Men (Joel Coen and Ethan Coen)
There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson)

Performance by an actor in a leading role

George Clooney – Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp – Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones – In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen – Eastern Promises

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Casey Affleck – The Assassination of Jesse James…
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook – Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Cate Blanchett – Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie – Away from Her
Marion Cotillard – La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney – The Savages
Ellen Page – Juno

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Cate Blanchett – I’m Not There
Ruby Dee – American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan – Atonement
Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton – Michael Clayton

Continue reading “My 2008 Oscar Picks!”

A Conservative Enclave?

I’ll believe this when I see it, but The Telegraph is reporting the following:

The Archbishop of Canterbury is backing secret plans to create a “parallel” Church for American conservatives to avert fresh splits over homosexuality. Dr Rowan Williams has held confidential talks with senior American bishops and theologians who oppose the pro-gay policies of their liberal leaders. A handful of hardline American dioceses are already defecting from the Episcopal Church, the American branch of Anglicanism, and transferring their loyalties to a conservative archbishop in South America. Dr Williams is desperate to minimise further damage in the run up to the once-a-decade Lambeth Conference this summer which could be boycotted by more than a fifth of the world’s bishops. His recent comments backing aspects of sharia law have heightened tensions by further alienating Africans who are struggling with militant Islam in their dioceses.

According to insiders, Dr Williams has given his blessing to the plans to create an enclave for up to 20 conservative American bishops that would insulate them from their liberal colleagues. The scheme would allow them to remain technically within the Episcopal Church but under the care of like-minded archbishops from abroad. The Primate of the West Indies, Archbishop Drexel Gomez, a moderate conservative, has agreed to participate, and other primates could be recruited. However, the initiative is likely to infuriate liberal leaders of the Episcopal Church, who will see it as an attempt to undermine their authority and interfere in their affairs. Presiding Bishop Katherine Jefferts Schori, the head of the Episcopal Church, has been cracking down on any diocese or parish that seeks to leave, and numerous legal actions are under way. She and her colleagues have already rejected similar proposals suggested at a meeting in Tanzania last year of all the primates, the leaders of the 38 independent Churches that constitute the Anglican Communion.

However, she met a group of conservative bishops and theologians in New York last week after hearing that Dr Williams was sympathetic to the new proposals. Dr Williams, whose leadership has been under growing attack from conservatives, has been privately encouraging such a development for a number of years. So far, however, he has failed to broker a deal with Bishop Jefferts Schori, a feminist who backed the 2003 consecration of Gene Robinson as Anglicanism’s first openly gay bishop. With several hundred of the world’s 880 bishops expected to boycott the Lambeth Conference in Canterbury, a schism is looking inevitable unless Dr Williams can paper over the cracks.

Lambeth Palace declined to comment.

It would be great if it happens, but somehow I doubt it will.

Ashes to Ashes: Season 1, Episode 3

Last night’s episode of Ashes to Ashes was a bit of a disappointment. After two episodes of “balls to the wall” action and intrigue, the writers took their foot off the gas with this touching (yet slow) episode.

The episode begins with an amusing drug bust: Gene fires up the Quattro and chases a white van through the streets of London, only to find it stuffed full of… garden gnomes… which are in turn stuffed full of drugs. While tidying up the crime scene, DI Drake stumbles across a girl that’s not only mute, but appears to be quite troubled about something as well.

Back at the station, Hunt and Drake try questioning the girl without success. Shortly thereafter, a prostitute named Trixie walks into the station, claiming to have been raped and nearly murdered on a party boat. She also mentions that the would-be killer called her “impure” and said “something about ‘being beautiful on the outside but full of old bones on the inside'”. The male officers are completely dismissive at first, and most are unsure that a “prozzie” can even be raped. DI Drake’s protestations that rape isn’t about sex but about power and control fall on deaf ears. That is, until Trixie shows Drake her wounds, which include a 4-inch gash on her left breast. This stirs Hunt into action, as a murder victim was recently found with similar wounds, the details of which were not made public.

Ashes to Ashes (Ep 3, 1)

So the team begins searching for a serial attacker. Drake begins by looking through the case file of the murder victim – a young black girl that, unlike Trixie, was a “completely normal”, church-going girl that was actively involved in the choir there. There’s an interesting scene where Hunt and Drake gather the team to explain what they should be looking for. Drake uses all of her psychology technobabble, the type of modern-day criminal profiling stuff we’ve grown accustomed to. DCI Hunt interrupts her a few times, giving the team his own “old school” wisdom about the matter. It’s an interesting contrast between two contrasting, yet completely valid, policing styles.

Hunt and Drake go to the murder victim’s church. A surreal scene unfolds where Drake daydreams about her past, Molly and The Clown while the choir is practicing. This somehow leads Alex to a flash of inspiration: she grabs a Bible from the pew and rapidly flips through the pages until she finds Matthew, chapter 23, verses 27 & 28:

“Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.”

This leads Drake to profile the would-be killer further. Hunt doesn’t entirely believe her (“Don’t you ever get brainache?”), especially after they get back to the station and read Trixie’s police record. She’s apparently stolen money from “clients” in the past. This makes Gene believe her even less. Drake wants to go undercover on the party boat to find out more, but Gene is wary of that too. It seems the owner of the party boat is a Mason, as are most of the higher-ups in the police department, so it would be detrimental to the careers of all the officers if Drake is wrong (there were several real-life scandals in the 1980s involving the Metropolitan Police and Freemasonry; although this site is anti-Freemasonry, it does have a good summary of what happened).

Drake wants to visit her mother (the lawyer) for reassurance, but as she approaches the office door, who should walk out the door but Evan (her uncle and her daughter Molly’s godfather). I don’t know if it’s intentional or not, but Evan looks almost exactly the same in 1981 as he does in 2008; you’d think he’d age more in 27 years. Anyway, the two have a conversation where Alex vaguely describes what’s going on with the killer. Evan advises Alex to “go with her instinct”… which is to warn the prostitutes in the area where Trixie works about the killer.

Hunt eventually tracks her down. He asks Drake why she’s so protective of the prostitutes; Drake reveals that she was a prostitute in her younger years. Hunt doesn’t appear to really believe her, but Chris and Ray buy her story entirely. When Hunt appears to be on the verge of believing her, Drake tears into him. She asks him why he’d believe that she’d been raped, but not Trixie. The two get closer and closer and the discussion gets colder and colder… eventually Drake hauls off and punches Gene in the face… twice! The two eventually make up by getting drunk together at Luigi’s. A slick businessman starts hitting on Drake at the bar, and she takes him home for a one-night stand. We see the couple have sex, and the man apparently leaves later, as Drake is shown sleeping alone in her bed. The TV is on in the background, and during the BBC’s nightly sign-off, Molly and The Clown appear on the screen. Drake, fast asleep, is oblivious.

The next day, WPC Granger tells Alex that there’s a “fancy dress” (costume) party on the party boat that night. The team make plans to go undercover at the party.

Ashes to Ashes (Ep 3, 2)

At the party, the team closely observe the waitstaff. They’re looking for a man that meets Trixie’s description. Some comic relief is provided by Ray, who for some reason decided to go to the party as James Bond. Since he’s wearing a tuxedo, everyone at the party assumes that he’s a waiter, and guests hand him dirty glasses and try taking his drink. The crew eventually spot a suspect. Drake “dirty dances” with Ray while Hunt goes over to the waiter and talks about what a “slut” Drake is. The waiter agrees, and he eventually mentions the same line about being full of “dead men’s bones” that Trixie mentioned.

This leads to the waiter’s immediate arrest. At the station, he claims to have never seen Trixie before, much less attack her. When asked point blank by Hunt whether he raped Trixie, he swears on the Bible that he did not. Hunt leaves the interrogation room in a rage, but not before ordering Chris and Ray to “keep an eye on” the mute black girl that’s been hanging around the station the entire time. Chris is eventually called away, leaving Ray alone with the girl.

Now Ray is arguably the most racist, sexist and homophobic of the bunch. He’s as bad as Gene about suspecting “darkies” and “poofters”, yet he completely lacks any of the “spidey sense” that makes Gene so successful in spite of his prejudices. Nevertheless, Ray sits down with the girl and takes his right shoe and sock off to make a sock puppet to entertain her. Ray is actually sweet and slightly vulnerable with the girl. This leads her to confess that she’s the prostitute. Ray doesn’t believe her, until she opens her shirt to reveal bruises and a deep cut on her left breast. Apparently Trixie is the one that “recruited” the girl into prostitution, and her guilt about this (along with the girl’s reluctance to go to the police) led Trixie to commandeer Nina’s story as her own. Ray tells Drake this, who runs to Hunt to tell him; Hunt already knows, as he’s finally gotten the truth out of Trixie.

The crew track down the attacker, who holds a knife to a prostitute’s throat as the police surround him. Ray, who Hunt told to go around the back way, sneaks up on the attacker and knocks the knife away. The hooker takes off, which means that only Nina is left to testify against the attacker. She is reluctant at first, but Ray promises to protect her. She’s still unconvinced, and when Hunt (sadly) says that no jury will believe her, the charges are dropped and the murderer is set free.

That doesn’t mean that he won’t get what’s coming to him, though. The next day, the crew go to Luigi’s for an after-work drink. Hunt is talking with Drake when he nods towards the TV set, which is showing the news. Apparently the attacker was arrested that morning for possession of 10kg of cocaine… concealed in garden gnomes. Drake looks at Hunt and says “You didn’t?” to which Hunt replies that he had nothing to do with it. Drake looks at Ray, who gives her a wry smile and shrugs his shoulders. Drake tells Ray that “perhaps there’s more to you than I thought”, at which point Chris says “Hey Ray, I bet you can’t light one of your farts!”… thus bringing everything back to normal.

MUSIC HEARD IN THIS EPISODE:

The Ruts – “Staring at the Rude Boys”
Joe Jackson – “It’s Different for Girls”
Bryan Ferry – “Let’s Stick Together”
Roxy Music – “Over You”
Bucks Fizz – “Making Your Mind Up”
Modern Romance – “Ay Ay Ay Ay Moosey”
Duran Duran – “Planet Earth”
Altered Images – “Happy Birthday”
The Beat – “Doors of Your Heart”