Hey, y’all! Simon here! I’m officially 177-88 for the season – let’s see if I can add just one more win to my total! Here’s my final insertion of Simon’s Picks… or, as I like to call it, Mens on Ball!
SUPER BOWL XLVII
Wow… can y’all believe that this season is almost over? Me and the boys at Mens International are kind of sad that football is going away. No more sweaty Adrian Peterson, no more glimpses of Calvin Johnson’s johnson, no more of that sexy hot chocolate Cam Newton. Mmmmm-mmmmmm, girl! I guess The Simon will have to satisfy himself with pretty hockey mens for now… Bonjour sexy hommes canadiens!
So… on to the Super Bowl. Is there anyone out there who wants to give Simon a ride to New Orleans this weekend? Simon doesn’t care so much about the game, but there are three rest stops and a men’s prison on the way there! Hi-yoooo! But seriously, is Simon funny? Steve Smith said I was the best gag man he’d ever seen! Hi-yoooo! Y’all can see me next weekend at Scorpio’s new open-mike comedy night, “Catch a Rising Johnson”! Hi-yooooo!
OK, seriously now… Is Simon the only one totally tired of the whole “brother versus brother” storyline? He’s not? Awesome! I think the Harbaugh brothers are just awful! They’re so angry and vocal… and they’re always working the refs on the sideline… and that’s my job! Hi-yoooo! So there’s that. And then there’s that goofball Joe “Unibrow McGee” Flacco, who will be giving it deep and long to that chocolate Adonis, Anquan Boldin. Hmmm-ummmm, girl! That’ll be something to see… along with ol’ Ray Ray’s knees. Will they hold out for one more game? Will grandpa need a walker to attend the post game festivities? More importantly, will anyone get stabbed that night? Here’s my advice, honey… if you see Ray Ray in a white suit… run the other way!
And then you’ve got the 49ers. Colin Kapernick is kind of handsome, but can someone get that man a stylist? Have you seen the stupid facial hair the guy has? Colin, you’re pretty hot in Simon’s book, but please go see my friend Longines at the salon, OK? Tell him Simon sent you; he’ll hook you up!
All joking aside, Simon thinks this will be a pretty good game! But he thinks the 49ers will win. Part of this is because that’s just how he thinks the game will play out. But part of this is because seeing the Ravens hoist the Lombardi Trophy will give my daddy a heart attack. But then, sports makes strange bedfellows sometimes… and I’m not talking about that handsome Belgian boy from the club last weekend! No, my daddy is wondering if the Ravens win will other Ravens retire, too. Boldin, Ed Reed, etc. Daddy would much rather the Steelers play a Ravens team minus Reed, Boldin and others next year. So if the Ravens win and those guys retire, Daddy would be OK with that, too.
Simon wants to thank everyone who read his picks all season long. It’s challenging for a kitty with a brain the size of a walnut to write a full column every week, and if you guys like it then that makes me happy. But not as happy as watching sweaty, sexy mens… is there a college basketball game on?
Enjoy the pick, and have a great off-season!