It’s been a while since I’ve “gone here” with you, but I won’t waste time with fancy introductions:
The KFC restaurant at 6813 E. Wilkinson Blvd. in Belmont, NC is the WORST FAST FOOD RESTAURANT I’VE EVER BEEN TO! And I’ve been to 3 continents and a communist country!! Yes, this KFC is worse than the Burger King on North Avenue in Atlanta. Worse than the Long John Silver’s in Rock Hill, South Carolina. Worse even than the McDonalds on the Getreidegasse in Salzburg, Austria. Whyfor, do you ask?
Well, for starters the staff simply cannot get even the simplest orders correct. As you probably know, I moved to Belmont in January of 2003. Since then I have visited this store approximately six times. And not once has our order been filled correctly. Lisa and I typically get some kind of “meal”, which is a bucket of chicken, a few sides and a quantity of biscuits. But even on this level it’s not correct. The coupon says “6 biscuits” and we get 4 instead. The coupon says “3 large sides” and we get 2. And strangely enough, all the screw-ups are in their favor!
To be fair though, we sometimes have complicated orders. The missus likes dark meat and Original Recipe. I like white meat and Extra Crispy. So we often order (for example) a 12-piece bucket – the dark pieces Original and the white pieces Extra Crispy. You think the staff – more on that happy bunch in a minute – could handle that? Well yes, you might think so. But of course you’d be wrong. Usually we get the reverse of what we asked for, which is why the missus and I inspect our food more thoroughly than an Arab at the Delta check-in counter. Also, I don’t like cole slaw. I’m not picking on just the Colonel here – as a rule I don’t like any cole slaw. So when the coupon specifies “2 large sides” we typically order mashed potatoes and mac and cheese with a small side of cole slaw for Lisa. Wanna guess how many times they’ve forgotten it? Twice, which is a third of the time. Thank goodness these people aren’t your pharmacists too!
You may be thinking “awww, cut them some slack. You ordered a 21-piece bucket with three large sides and added a small side and a dessert, then made it even more complicated by making it half Original and half Extra Crispy! People aren’t perfect, ya know!” To this I say: BULLSHIT! In case you didn’t know, I worked at the KFC at 2080 Pleasant Hill Road in Duluth, Georgia for almost a year when I was in high school. And you know how many orders I screwed up? Well, to be honest I don’t have any hard data in front of me, but I do know that it was very, very, very few. I 0wn3d that damn drive-thru and even though it seems that most of my orders went something like this, I always made sure that they went out the door correctly:
“I need a two-piece dinner, Original Recipe, all-white, with fries instead of ‘taters and beans ‘stead of slaw. I also need a three-piece dinner, Extra Crispy, all-dark with an extra biscuit, 2 ‘taters ‘stead of slaw and a jalapeno on the side. I also need another three-piece, this one Original for the white and Crispy for the dark, and with beans and ‘taters ‘stead of the slaw. I also need three ears of corn, 6 Chicken Littles – hold the mayo on 2 of ’em – and three teas. Make one a large sweet, another a medium unsweet, and the last a large unsweet but with Equal and not Sweet & Low. And this is to go.”
Hour after hour I’d take these orders. And I’d get them right. Because that’s how fast food is supposed to work. They’re supposed to be able to take any old jackass off the street and make him or her “Supreme Commander of the Drive Thru” in a week or so. Apparently this isn’t the case at the Belmont KFC. Apparently they only hire surly black women (or those that wish they were surly black women) at this KFC. And don’t be jumpin’ on me for the race thing, neither. You know what time it is. I’m not dissin’ the KFC ‘cos they hire black women. I’m dissin’ the KFC ‘cos they hire black women whose answer to any question is the finger-wave, head-bob and “ohh haaaaaaiiill no!”. On about my third visit, I’d leaned to check the order before I even left the counter. Finding that they’d skimped on the biscuits and forgotten the small slaw, I looked up at the lady that took my order and she said “what did I forget now?” Need I say more??
SO – you might be wondering what caused me to write this rant. Ironically enough, it’s for none of the things I’ve written about so far. It’s the unmitigated nerve of these people. You see, this Sunday I had been watching football all day. Green Bay pulled one out in overtime. My surrogate favorite team – the Colts – stomped all over the Broncos to win Peyton Manning’s first post-season game. Life was good. And for some reason, I was craving some Extra Crispy chicken. The missus and I hopped in the Jeep and I ordered a 4-piece dinner with all white meat. We thought she was kidding or maybe we misunderstood her when she said that my total was $9.79. So we pulled around to the window.
KFC: “Your total is $9.79”
Me: “This is a joke right? 4 pieces of chicken and two sides is ten bucks?”
KFC: “Well, that’s two breasts and two wings.”
Me: “That can’t possibly be right.”
KFC: “Hey Peaches, how much is a 4-piece Original dinner all white?” (AUTHOR’S NOTE: See, she’s asking for the wrong thing already. I ordered Extra Crispy)
A brief discussion with Peaches and Chi Chi over price of dinner ensues.
KFC: “Yeah, it’s $9.79. Our white meat is expensive.”
I’m glad the Belmont KFC is so proud of their chicken. Lord knows why they’d charge almost $10 for four measly pieces of chicken. For that kind of goddamn money, I could have put two bucks worth of gas in my car, driven to South End and gotten some real fried chicken from Price’s for only $6.40 – and saved a buck in the process! And I actually like Price’s cole slaw. Or I could have gone to the Cracker Barrel in Gastonia and gotten the Homestyle Chicken and three sides – more than any human being other than a professional football player needs to eat – for less money. I could have hit the buffet at Jaipur Indian Restaurant on South Boulevard and eaten at the buffet until Tikka Masala was packed into my sinuses for less money. I could have called New China and ordered a large Sha Cha chicken – enough for two dinners and a lunch – AND tipped the Chinese lady $1 AND bought two candy bars AND a 20oz Coke for less money. Hell, for $10 I could have driven to the Longhorn on Cox Road and bought a Flo’s Fillet for fuck’s sake!
When the hell did fast food start costing more than REAL food?
Of course, to be fair it was Sunday, which means that Price’s was closed. I guess the Colonel wouldn’t be taken to school that day. So in reality if I’d wanted fried chicken that badly I’d have to go to the Belmont Bojangles. Which is what I’ll be doing from now on. As much I love KFC – hell, I even have a Colonel Sanders bobblehead – this store absolutely sucks. It’s time to court martial the Colonel.