Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I’m not much of a football fan, but my daddy loves the game so most Sundays I watch those handsome, sweaty mens on the TV… and let me tell you something: I know fabulous, so here are my picks for week 6!
Panthers at Falcons: You’d think I’d pull for my hometown kitties, wouldn’t you? After all, they’ve got that young, sexy stud Cam Newton… and that Steve Smith, who I know from personal experience has some talented hands! But I tell you what: the Birds are still smartin’ from that bare bottom spankin’ Aaron Rogers gave them on Sunday, and they’ll be out for revenge. I like Atlanta, although the Kitties will make it interesting.
Colts at Bengals: Now here are some kitties I can get behind! Without that handsome Peyton Manning, the Colts just don’t have the ju-ju to get it done, girlfriend! I normally don’t care for redheads, but that sexy Bengals rookie Andy Dalton will surely get it done this week! I take Cincinnati, big time!
49ers at Lions: Now, you know I should pull for the 49ers, because they’re from my emotional home town… And the boys from Fog City have not only looked fabulous this year, they’ve actually played pretty well, too. But my feline intuition tells me to stick with those handsome tom cats from Detroit. Matthew Stafford’s strong, manly arms and Calvin Johnson’s skull-crackin’ thighs will make mincemeat outta those boys from San Fran. Detroit will win this one, honey!
Rams at Packers: Giiiirrrrlll, lemme tell you about Clay Matthews. That masculine jaw… that chiseled chest… that long, flowing blond hair… Mmmmm-mmm-mmmm! Now, where was I? Oh yes, the pick. Well, if it were just about which makes the better gay double entendre, you’d have a tough time picking between the Rams and the Packers. Thankfully it’s not: go with Green Bay all the way, baby!
Bills at Giants: I have a confession to make: for a long time, I had no idea who “Bill” was, and why they named a football team after him. Then Daddy explained that there was this guy named “Buffalo Bill” and people in Buffalo thought it would be funny to name their team after him! Humans are weird. But in this battle of red, white and blue, I’m going for Buffalo to beat Rachel Maddow’s team! [Author’s note: Daddy has just informed me that a guy named Eli Manning, not Rachel Maddow, is the quarterback for the Giants.]
Jaguars at Steelers: Now, I normally would pick the kitties, since they’re my cousins and all. But since they’re playing my daddy’s team, I’ll have to pick Pittsburgh if I wanna get walkies this week. And besides, as Longines and Pepper would say, “nothin’ good ever came outta Jacksonville, honey!”
Eagles at Redskins: Mmmm. Beautiful, majestic bird and symbol of our nation, or the noble indigenous people of this land? Well, I know those handsome Indians used to shoot arrows at birds, and I think that same thing will happen this week. Take Washington. And besides, I have to stand with my friends the doggies in hoping that that awful Michael Vick breaks a leg or something, the big meanie!
Raiders at Browns: Oakland are sexy black and silver pirates whose fans wear leather and latex fetish wear. Cleveland is called “the Mistake by the Lake”. Honey, this one’s a lock: put all your ducats on Oakland this week!
Texans at Ravens: I do love me some cowboys, but I also love staring at the birds! Which one do I choose? I think Matt Schaub is much more handsome than Unibrow McGee they have down in Baltimore. But I think those sexy mens Ed Reed and Ray Ray shut down the Texans. As much as this will hurt my daddy’s feelin’s, I’m going with Baltimore in this one. But it should be a good game with lots of nice tight ends!
Cowboys at Patriots: It’s so fashionable to hate both these teams these days. But who could hate Tom Brady? He’s just so beautiful. Hey Tom, come down to Charlotte, and I’ll convince you to switch to my team! And that Wes Welker? He’s no slouch, either, especially with those long, sexy legs! Trust me on this one, guys: Tony Romo will choke harder than a first timer at an African-American leather bar! New England will run away with this one!
Saints at Buccaneers: Simon might be young, but he’s seen pictures of those awful orange and white costumes Tampa Bay used to wear. And that, my friends, is a fashion faux pas you just can’t recover from, ever. Look for Drew Brees and his cadre of handsome receivers to make believers out of those heathen pirates! New Orleans is gonna win this one!
Vikings at Bears: Gosh, another hard one! (hehe!) I love the purple and gold costumes the Vikings wear. And I love the idea of being chased around by eleven sexy Vikings. But I think that Donovan McNabb has gotten old and fat eating that Chunky Soup, and sexy Brian Urlacher will be all over him (I can only hope, anyway!). I think Chicago, in spite of Jay Quitter leading the team (see what I did there?), will win. But this one could be close.
Dolphins at Jets: I do love me some sexy Latin mens, and Mark Sanchez can make me a morning-after pot of menudo any old time, girlfriend! But the Jets are led by that fat, nasty, foot lickin’ Rex Ryan. He’s so gross! Thankfully for Rex, the Dolphins defense couldn’t stop a little old lady from snatching a pair of Jimmy Choo knockoffs at DSW, and their offense as as limp as I’d be backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show! Go with New York to win on Monday night, my lovelies!
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!
XOXOXO
– Simon