Hey, ya’ll! Simon here again! It’s Wednesday morning and I’m here at the house, sipping a MANMOSA and looking over last week’s picks. I went 9-4, which is pretty good for a lil’ ol’ ‘kitty! Too bad the boys from San Fran and Philly won – by all rights I should have been 11-2 last week! But that’s all water under the bridge, honey! Let’s see if I can do even better this week!
Seahawks at Browns: Everything about the Cleveland Browns is just horrible! Their awful colors, their boring costumes, the lack of a logo, that silly fan area known as the Dawg Pound (dogs are sooo yucky!), the fact that they’re in Cleveland… It’s all so positively awful. Terrible. So not fabulous. But you know what? Those boys from the Prune City are gonna have their way with those latte sippin’ sea-chickens from Seattle. Take Cleveland on this one, baby!
Falcons at Lions: Ya’ll might know that my daddy is from Atlanta. Ya’ll might not know that the Falcons are his #2 team. Daddy once said that he wanted members of the Atlanta Falcons to be pallbearers at his funeral, “so they can let me down one last time”. Daddy can be so funny sometimes. But he’s right. The Falcons are flying high after their big win against my hometown kitties last week. But that hot defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is gonna feast on bird this week, while sexy Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson are gonna hook up in my dreams on the field for big scores, girls! Take Detroit by at least ten points!
Texans at Titans: I don’t like nicknames like “Titans”. Simon knows what a big, sexy, strappin’, swaggerin’, cowboy hat wearin’ Texan is… but just what the heck is a “Titan”? Is Tennessee gonna put Cornelius Vanderbilt on the field on Sunday? Some old Greek warriors in those sexy skirts? I don’t know, so that’s why I’m going with Houston for this game. Well, that and the fact that those yummy Texans will be out for blood after losing to those awful ratbirds from Balwmer last week!
Broncos at Dolphins: Oh my gawd! This game is totally like two fat girls fighting over the last slice of pie: sure, someone will win, but in the end they’re both losers! Simon would love to pull for the Dolphins, as they have the best colors and costumes of any football team anywhere. Plus, Miami is just fabulous no matter which way you look at it! After all, they don’t have sexy mens on South Beach in Denver, do they? But the Football Feline is pretty sure that cute lil’ Tim Tebow will be able to pull out a win against the flailing fish this week. Pick Denver, even if you have to hold your nose while doing it!
Chargers at Jets: If there’s one player my daddy can’t stand it’s Philip Rivers. And if there’s one coach he can’t stand it’s Norv Turner. Both of them make my daddy throw things at the TV and call them bad names (as if “Norv” isn’t a bad enough name on its own, right girls?). My feline intuition says that San Diego picks up a win in New Jersey, and possibly a nasty case of gonorrhea, too. Sexy Sanchez might make it interesting, but I just don’t see the Jets winning this one.
Bears at Buccaneers: The Super Bowl of Gay Double Entendres! Will the big, hairy mens from Chicago’s finest bath houses be able to pull out (hehehehe) a win against the bootay pirates from Tampa Bay? Simon thinks not. Jay Quitter Cutler will have his hands full of Grade A Tampa mancake this week, ladies… and not in a good way! Look for Tampa Bay to send the Bears scampering home with a loss!
Panthers at Redskins: Football is a funny old game. Commentators keep talking about how wonderful that Cam Newton is and how great his stats are. And believe me, if it were just about being a delicious cup of hot chocolate, Cam is near the top of my list. But the thing is, great quarterbacks win games, which is something that young padawan just hasn’t learned yet. In a “normal” year, this would be a very close game, and Simon would just flip a coin and guess. But the Sexy ‘Skins will be on the warpath after losing to the Philly Pigeons last week, and they’ll just be too much for Concupiscent Cam this week. Take Washington, although (as always) the kitties will keep it interesting.
Raiders at Chiefs: Hmmmph! In Simon’s view, they should call this the “Who Cares? Bowl”. Kansas City hasn’t been good at anything other than smoking ribs in twenty years… and the only thing the Raiders have been good at in the same time period is having their fans beat up Chargers fans. Sexy older man and newest Raider Carson Palmer should start on Sunday, and even with the limited practice he’s had with the team, I take Oakland to win. Although everyone would win if a giant sinkhole opened up and swallowed Arrowhead Stadium whole in the second quarter! Bonus points if doofuses Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are calling the game that day!
Steelers at Cardinals: Well, Daddy’s still grumbling about “which Steeler team will show up this week”. I think he has a point: after Big Ben (you know why they call him Big Ben, right? Mmmm-mmmmm-mmmm!) dispatched the Titans with a convincing win two weeks ago, the boys from Steeltown feel asleep in the second half of last week’s game against the J-ville Jags and barely won. Simon is pretty sure that if the Steelers that beat the Titans show up it’s no contest for the boys in red. If the team that barely beat the Jags shows up, it could be interesting. But I think Pittsburgh wins either way. (Did you see that Daddy? I picked the Steelers again! Can I has walkies now?)
Rams at Cowboys: Oh my gosh! You know what’s funny? Take any Cowboys game from the last five years, speed it up, and play the theme to The Benny Hill Show! Simon isn’t a lifelong football fan, but watching snaps fly over Tony Romo’s head, seeing Romo bungle a snap on a field goal attempt, and Romo throwing a pick at just the wrong time is so much funnier with “Yakety Sax” playing in the background. Ahem – anyway, having said all that, Simon is pretty sure the boys from Dallas will have their way with the hapless Rams this week. In fact, Simon says the Cowboys should be kicked out of the NFL if they lose this week!
Vikings at Packers: Girls, this one’s gonna be brutal. Aaron Rogers and his sexy teammates will abuse the Vikings worse than a drugged up twink in a harness at the leather club! I’m thinkin’ the score might end up being 45-3 or something like that, although 35-10 is more likely. Either way, there’s no way Green Bay loses this game.
Colts at Saints: My daddy loves history, especially military history. He once told me that European armies once had something called a “forlorn hope”: basically a suicide mission that was necessary to begin an assault on a fortified position. Common soldiers were offered large cash bonuses and lots of rum for participating, and officers were tempted with instant promotions if they survived. Anyway, when I saw that the Colts were playing the Saints this week, “forlorn hope” were the first words that leapt into my lil’ kitty mind. The Colts are just pitiful without that handsome Peyton Manning, and this week they’re just cannon fodder for the Saints, who are trying to reclaim the lead in the NFC South. Take New Orleans to not just win, but humiliate the Colts this week. Plus, the Saints have such awesome costumes!
Ravens at Jaguars: This game is almost as much of a lock as the Packers\Vikings game! You ever see a kitty uselessly pawing at a bird flying 20 feet over his head? Well honey, that’s exactly what this game will be like. Unibrow McGee, Cam Newton’s opposite in both looks and stats will have a field day, padding his stats like one of those 80s metal bands padded their pants (and yes, I’m looking at you, Joe Elliot!) Unlike Cam, Unibrow Joe knows how to win games, and this one will be over in the first quarter. Take Baltimore to beat up the Jags so bad, by the time they finish rolling their mid-90s teal uniforms will be out of style! Oh wait… they already are! I’m vicious!
I hope ya’ll enjoy this week’s picks! See ya’ll again next week!
XOXOXO
– Simon