Hey, ya’ll! Simon here again! What a WILD weekend for the NFL! My daddy’s still jumping up and down about how the Jags beat the Ravens, and the Football Feline is still trying to figure out how Cleveland had 298 yards of total offense and had the ball for 42:56 but only managed 6 points! Your favorite kitty went 7-6 last week, for a total of 16-10. Let’s see if I can do a little better this week!
Colts at Titans: Wow… what more can you say about the Colts? Without my handsome Peyton Manning, they’re as limp as Jimmy Johnson without his ExtenZe! Even though the Titans have had their own troubles with getting it up, I think they’ll be able to handle the Colts easily. Take Tennessee for the win!
Saints at Rams: Ummmm-umm-ummmmm! Girl, that hawt Drew Brees just threw the Colts down on the floor and had his way with them on Sunday, didn’t he? His strong, sexy arms just flung that pigskin anywhere he wanted, and he had someone there to receive that hot load every time, didn’t he? Whew! Simon’s getting a bit overheated! [Simon fans himself and sips an appletini]. OK, girls, the Rams are gonna get their cute tight-ends rammed relentlessly this weekend! Take New Orleans to easily walk away with this one!
Dolphins at Giants: Poor Dolphins! Such pretty costumes, and such lovely mens… but what an awful football team! Simon sincerely wants the pretty boys in aqua and coral to win a game, but the Football Feline is pretty sure the Giants are gonna slap them around like a back-alley rent boy this week! Take New York to win this one at home!
Vikings at Panthers: My handsome Cam Newton really looked good last week, didn’t he? And lemme tell you girls, nothin’ gets me more excited that seein’ Steve Smith getting a few catches and getting pumped up and into a groove! Steve, I can pump you up and get you into my groove any ol’ time! Anyway, although the Vikings have the second best costumes in football (next to my ‘Fins, that is) and although I loooove their mascot (who wouldn’t want to be ravaged by 53 sexy Vikings?), I’m going to go with my hometown kitties on this one! The Carolina Cats looked pretty good against this ‘Skins, so my pick on this one is Carolina.
Cardinals at Ravens: Is this game on TV? Because Simon would love to see two birds goin’ at it! Maybe they’ll let me have whichever bird loses? I’d bat it around for a while, play “keep away” from my sister, then present it as a nice gift to my momma! And I hope momma likes red, because I’m pretty sure that the boys from Baltimore will bat Kevin Kolb around for a while, play “keep away” from their sisters, then present Kolb’s lifeless body as a nice gift to John Harbaugh! Of course, if the Ravens play offense here like they did last night, it’s gonna be a loooong rest of the season for them!
Texans at Jaguars: The Texans, formerly known as the “perennial bottoms of the AFC South” decided to switch and become tops this season. And let me tell you, girl, Arian Foster can be my top any time! Although those Cats from J-ville are all excited about beating the Bawlmer Ratbirds on Monday, I think they’ll come down to earth when those sexy Texas mens roll their defense all over the Jag’s offense. Plus, Blaine Gabbert just has such awful hair! Where’s Carson Kressley when you need him… right ladies? Houston wins this one easily!
Redskins at Bills: Buffalo started the season on a high, chalking up an unexpected 3-1 record. They came back down to earth after a loss to the Giants two weeks ago. Simon is pretty sure that they used their bye week to get some rest and shore up their game plans. The sexy ‘Skins, however, played in London on Sunday, and I suspect both jetlag and that awful John Beck (who is that guy anyway?) will doom the ‘Skins to a loss this week. If Sexy Rexy comes back it might be close, but I think Buffalo wins this one either way… even though Buffalo is just about the worst city in America!
Lions at Broncos: Gosh, Tim Bebow is a cute lil’ guy with morals as rock-solid as his abs… until he meets me, that is! [snaps fingers] Oh girl, you know I could get him to switch from the Denver Broncos to Team Simon in no time, right? Well, as sexy is Tim is, I don’t think the train wreck that is the Broncos will be able to come away with in win here. The boys from Motor City are still smartin’ from the beating the Falcons gave them on Sunday, and I just think they’ll have too much to prove. Plus, although Tebow looks good in those tight pants, he looks pretty pathetic on the field. I think Detroit will win, but I think they’ll jump out to a something like a 28-3 lead and let Tebow and company score a couple of garbage-time TDs to make it closer than it looked.
Patriots at Steelers: Daddy’s gonna be so mad at me for this, but the Football Feline knows that my all-time favorite athlete – the beautiful, handsome, sexy Tom Brady – is 6-1 lifetime against the Steelers, and for the past decade the Pats almost always seem to have the Steelers’ number. So my initial thought is to take New England to win this one. But the Pat’s defense is beyond awful this year, so if the Steelers’ o-line can give Large Benjamin some protection, I think the boys from Steel Town might be able to pull off an upset. Basically, if the Pats jump out to a 14-0 lead, I think the game is over, because the Steelers won’t be able to win a shoot-out. But if it’s close, it could be the Steelers’ chance to get a win. [Note to Daddy: even if the Steelers lose this week, I’m gonna pick them to beat the Ravens next week… And that’s almost as good, right? So can I still has walkies?]
Browns at 49ers: Sexy San Francisco is 5-1 this year? Has Simon taken nap that was soooo long that time wrapped back upon itself and it’s actually 1988 again? Hehehehe!! That sexy Alex Smith – one of those corn-fed Utah boys – has taken ovah in Frisco, and that Frank Gore has been runnin’ wild… just like me at Scorpio on Saturday nights! Look for San Francisco to smack Cleveland around this week. Because aside from having awful costumes and colors, the Browns are maybe the worst 3-3 team in the league. Their three wins came against the Seahawks, Dolphins and Colts, who collectively are 2-17 so far this year.
Bengals at Seahawks: Simon hopes that this game is what we get for the late game next week, so that he can just roll his late-afternoon nap right into his early evening nap! Yes, this one will be a snoozer, and I can’t see any way in which Cincinnati doesn’t win this one. Watch for the the refs to make another anti-Seattle call, just so Sea-Chickens fans can complain about it for years afterwards. [Simon starts doing “The Cobra“] Look people, if your team is so pitiful that one or two bad calls ruins their game, they’re not doin’ it right, understand, girlfriend?
Cowboys at Eagles: Another great battle from the NFC Least (see what I did there?). This is another one of those “which team is gonna show up?” games: will the sexy Tony Romo who led his team to 445 yards of offense show up in Philadelphia? Or will it be the sad Tony Romo that trips over his own shoelaces? Likewise, will the (awful) Michael Vick who wins game show up, or will the one who throws 4 interceptions a game show up? Who knows? Who can tell? Simon has no idea, so he’ll rely on the time-honored tradition of just giving it to the home team. And LeSean McCoy can give it to me any time he wants! Oooo, I’m terrible! Take Philadelphia in this one. Or flip a coin. I dunno – I’m a cat!
Chargers at Chiefs: This week’s snoozefest comes on Monday night. I don’t know who scheduled this game, but it probably didn’t even look like that good a match-up at the start of the season, much less now! Frankly, Simon doesn’t care who wins this game: the real winners will be ABC, CBS, Fox and NBC, as people turn off this game en masse to watch anything else. I think I’ll watch that sexy Alex O’Loughlin on Hawaii Five-O instead! If I must make a pick, I’ll say to go with San Diego, but as I said last week, the best outcome would be for a giant sinkhole to open up and swallow Arrowhead Stadium whole.
I hope ya’ll enjoy this week’s picks! See ya’ll again next week!