Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Man, my daddy was all kinds of angry after that Steelers\Ravens game! And who could blame him? How could the Steelers’ D let the Ravens go 92 yards at the end of the game? Oh well. I went 7-7 last week, for a total of 32-21 for the season. Let’s see if I can come up with a better than winning record this week!
Oakland at San Diego: Ya’ll ever notice that Philip Rivers looks like a penis with ears? Simon sure has! As much as I’d like to see those sexy mens in black and silver come away with a victory, I think the Chargers win this game.
Atlanta at New Orleans: Oh my! The oldest, fiercest rivalry in the Southern wing of the NFL! My handsome Matty Lite and Latin lover Tony Gonzalez going up against Drew Breesus and that sexy Pierre Thomas! I do believe I might pass out in anticipation! Lord, please… someone catch me! [falls to the floor with a smile on his face] I’m sorry! Where was I? Oh yes – Atlanta and New Orleans… all those sweaty, sexy mens… It’s like a Saturday night at Mugzey’s! Anyway, as much as I like those Dirty Birds, the ‘Aints have been unstoppable at home this season! Pick the Saints with this one, although it should be one sexy, close game, honey!
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: I’m not going to make Daddy mad by picking the Bungles here, but I will say this: the “good Steelers” will have to show up to win this game. Those outlaws from the other Queen City may actually be for real this year, and the Steelers can’t take them lightly. If Large Benjamin throws a pick too many, or if the Steelers D lets the Bungles back in the game… it could get ugly. I’m taking the Steelers, but I’m not at all confident about it.
St. Louis at Cleveland: Every week there’s one stinker of a game, and this is this week’s version. Colt McCoy is a big, ugly doofus… almost uglier than the Browns’ awful excuse for a defense. And the less said about the Rams and Sam Bradford the better. I’m taking the Browns, but the one way we could all win is if a freak lake-based tsunami were to consume Cleveland Browns Stadium and everyone in it!
Buffalo at Dallas: Oh boy! Simon would love to pick the Bills here, but thinks the ‘Boys might be too much for them. You know what? It’s a girl’s prerogative to change her mind, right? Screw it, I’m taking the Bills as my upset pick of the week here!
Jacksonville at Indianapolis: I don’t have anything nice to say about either one of these teams. Ya’ll know how I feel about the Manning-less Dolts, so I’m picking the kitties to win this game! Go Jaguars!
Denver at Kansas City: Tick tock, Tim Tebow! Time’s running out on you… and speaking of time, your team is gonna get clocked by the sexy mens from Rib Town! Take the Chiefs to run away with this game!
Washington at Miami: Who knows which of these two teams will show up? The Dolphins team that went 0-7, or the team that spanked the Chiefs 35-3 last week? And can the ‘Skins, the perennial “almost” team, come out and play? Who knows? Simon says flip a coin on this one, although I’m leaning towards the Dolphins because of their awesome costumes!
Arizona at Philadelphia: I just hate that Michael Vick (right, doggies?). And I hate that fat, nasty Andy Reid, too (my God, man… get you a stylist and a trainer, man!). But Simon just doesn’t see a way the Eggles don’t win in Philly. If you want a safe bet, take the Eagles this week!
Houston at Tampa Bay: This is the game that the Bucs find out how overrated they really are. Look, I think pirates are sexier than cowboys – I’d walk the plank for Rhonde Barber any ol’ time, baby. But they’re gonna get knocked up this weekend… and not in a good way. Take the Texans by a mile, baby!
Tennessee at Carolina: Which underachieving team will win this game? Will my hometown kitties get a win against the Titans? I think so, as long as that sexy Cam Newton is thrustin’ and Steve Smith is receivin’! Go with the Panthers here, honey!
Baltimore at Seattle: Put another in the win column for those STUPID ratbirds from Baltimore. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed might not even get fined in this game, because those Sea Chickens are just so limp, there’s no need to hit. In fact, the ratbirds could treat this like a flag football game an still win by 28 points. Ravens all the way. Yuck!
Detroit at Chicago: The Football Feline thinks this will be the closest game of the week. Detroit can be awesome, and if Chicago will play to win, it should keep you on the edge of your sexy lil’ seats! Simon thinks the Lions will walk away the victors here. Not only to they have my main man Megatron, everyone knows that cats are smarter than dumb ol’ bears!
New York Giants at San Francisco: Oh my! This should be a good game! Girl, you just know I’m going with those strong, sexy gay mens from San Francisco, right? Uh-huh! And this year they’ll be able to back up the sexy trash talk with action. Take the 49ers to put a whippin’ on the Giants this week!
New England at New York Jets: Simon is serious this time: that sexy Tom Brady won’t need to throw Gatorade bottles around this week, baby. Dirty Sanchez and Repulsive Rex won’t get a win at home this time, even as poorly as the Pats have played lately. Look for the Patriots to right the right the ship this week!
Minnesota at Green Bay: “Dear Clay Matthews: Let’s run away to a tropical beach together.. Just you and me… with that handsome jawline and fabulous hair! And you’re good looking too! Love, Simon” hehehehe… The Packers are gonna roll all over the Vikings this week, baby! You can count on it!
Hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!
XOXOXO
– Simon