Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! The new football season is almost upon us, and I can’t wait to get my fix of sweaty mens on the TV! Now, I don’t know a lot about football, but my daddy does. And I’ve been listening to him for 5 years now. So I’ve learned a little about the game. But I know fabulous, so here are my picks for week 1!
Dallas at New York Giants: Two words, girlfriend: VICTOR CRUZ! Ya’ll know Simon loves him some sexy Latin mens, and Victor Cruz is ALL THAT and a Coach handbag! But there’s more: Jason Pierre-Paul, Hakeem Nicks, Ahmad Bradshaw, Osi Umenyiora, Justin Tuck, Martellus Bennett… Oh my! There’s just TOO MUCH SEXY for the dorky Cowboys to overcome here… even if the Giants’ quarterback is an old lesbian! Take the Giants to win this one pretty easily, girls!
Indianapolis at Chicago: Speaking of handsome, that young buck Andrew Luck is playing his first regular season game in Chicago. I tell you what, he should come to Charlotte! I’d put a totally different spin on “Suck for Luck”! I’m terrible, aren’t I! As much as I’d love to see Handy Andy come… away with a win, I just don’t think the Colts have the firepower to beat Matt Forté and Devin Hester at home. My heart (and loins) will be pulling for the Colts, but I think the Bears will win this one.
Philadelphia at Cleveland: Gosh, this game is worse than Sophie’s Choice! I certainly don’t want that horrible Michael Vick to ever win anything (I’m still showing solidarity with my doggie friends!), but then again, Cleveland is just so awful! I mean, whoever thought orange and brown would be a good color scheme! HIDEOUS! By the way, you know who’s not hideous? Meryl Streep! She’s just so FABULOUS – you go, girl! Sadly, I think the bloated walrus that is Andy Reid will coach the Eagles to a win with this one… but in this game, there are no winners! Am I right, ladies?
St. Louis at Detroit: OhMyGosh! How long has it been since Calvin Johnson has been on my TV set? Waaaaaaayyy too long, I say! Sexy Matthew Stafford and that beautiful, chiseled hunk of chocolate will be hooking up more often than Steffan at Scorpio! I predict my cousins, the Lions, will run all over the hapless Rams this week! And you can take that to the bank, honey!
New England at Tennessee: My heart is aflutter just typing the words “Tom Brady” and “Wes Welker”… what I wouldn’t give for five minutes in that locker room! Whew! My lil’ heart is beating SO FAST just thinking about it! But yes, I know that everyone outside of “Bahsthan” is sick of the Patriots and their coach, Emperor Palpatine. And, Tom Brady’s beautiful face and Vince Wilfork’s skull-crackin’ thighs aside, I am, too. But they’re just going to be too much for Jake Locker (not sexy) and Chris Johnson (yes, please). Take the Pats to win this one!
Atlanta at Kansas City: Kansas City? Why are the Falcons playing Kansas City? Hang on… let me Google how the NFL schedule works… [opens new tab and does some research] Ouch! Reading all that just hurts my little kitty brain! Was the NFL founded by lawyers? Who cares about rotating conference schedules! I think teams should be ranked by sexiness! Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the game. Ya’ll, Michael Turner is one sexy man, but I’m not sure he’s gonna get the job done this year in Atlanta. And if he doesn’t, Atlanta will take to rely on that handsome Tony Gonzalez… but who wouldn’t want that? I take the Falcons to win this game, but I don’t think it will be the runaway victory Atlanta fans are hoping for.
Jacksonville at Minnesota: Oh no! Another terrible game! Drunk Florida rednecks versus pasty, doughy bratwurst eaters? THE HORROR! The only real winners of this game are Alcoholic Anonymous and Jenny Craig, right? If this game is on TV this week, I think I’ve found my “nap game”. I’ll take the Vikings, but only because they’re at home. And wake me up when this one is over, OK?
Washington at New Orleans: Look, I really like that Robert Griffin, III. Not only is he a sexy hunk of man-meat, he actually seems like a sweet and caring kind of guy. It’s too bad he’s playing for the Deadskins, who will never win anything with that horrible Dan Snyder running the team. I’m not even that much of a football fan, and just the idea of Snyder hoisting the Lombardi Trophy offends me! It makes me shiver… and not in a good way, if you know what I mean. That’s why I’m going to pull for that handsome Drew Breeze (hehehe!) and the Saints to spank the Skins at home! If only they’d actually spank each other.. my oh my!
Buffalo at New York Jets: Tghe Simon watches very little ESPN. But even he thinks their “all Jets, all the time” coverage is getting a little old. Yes, I’d love to do the dirty with Sanchez, and converting Tebow to my team is one of my life’s goals. But I just can’t stand that toe sucker of a coach the Jets have. Ewwww! He’s so nasty! If I ever meet him, I’m keeping my paws away from him! Having said all that, I think that sexy Darrelle Revis will be able to shut down the Bill’s offense, leaving the Jets to win this one!
Miami at Houston: I just love Miami! Their beautiful uniforms, the sexy South Beachers. They’re everything a football feline could want. Except, you know, being any good at football. Let’s face it: if the NFL were a hawt nightclub, Ryan Tannehill, Matt Moore, David Garrard and Lamar Miller would all be stuck behind the velvet ropes all night while the good players walked past them in the VIP line, am I right? The supa sexy duo of Arian Foster and Andre Johnson are just gonna run all over the Fish, giving the Texans a big win to start the season!
San Francisco at Green Bay: Simon once had a beautiful dream in which Alex Smith and Aaron Rogers were fighting over me! And I was like… boys, there’s enough Simon to go around! This should be one hot game: Randy Moss, Kyle Williams, Patrick Willis, Justin Smith, Brandon Jacobs and Vernon Davis (now that’s a tight end!) for the 49ers, and Clay Matthews, AJ Hawk, Donald Driver, Randall Cobb, Greg Jennings and Jordy Nelson for the Packers. Oh Lord, it’s almost enough to make me forget there’s an actual game going on! I think it will be close, but I’ll take the Packers to win this one! Whew! Will this game be on Charlotte TV? Can we DVR it?
Seattle at Arizona: Ahhhh, the NFC West… the joke of the NFL! Everyone’s talking about how great the Seachicken’s rookie QB, Russell Wilson, will be. I’m not sold. Baby, it’s easy to go 4-0 in the pre-season. But now you’ve gotta play with the grown ups! Luckily for you, handsome man, you get to start with the Cardinals, the most pitiful excuse for a team in the NFL at the moment. Seriously, honey… if John Skelton is your answer for starting quarterback, you must have asked one seriously stupid question! Take the Seahawks to win this one easily!
Carolina at Tampa Bay: My hometown kitties! Man, did my Cam Newton look
sexy prepared this preseason or what? And my main man, Jonathan Stewart. And that angry Steve Smith? All so handsome, all so beautiful! The question for the Carolina Kitties this year is… will the defense show up? We all know Cam can stick it in the end… zone. But if the defense can’t come up with the stops, it’s gonna be another looooonng season for my kitties. Thankfully, they’re starting off the season playing the Bucs. While I can appreciate (and am kind of turned on by) the pirate motif, Tampa Bay is just terrible! The Panthers will win this one, for sure, ladies!
Pittsburgh at Denver: I guess you know that my Daddy is a Steelers fan, and I’m required to pick them if I want to keep getting wet food and belly rubs. But I actually think the Steelers can pull this one off if their offense clicks. That sexy Big Ben needs to toss the ball to Mike Wallace and my newest crush, Antonio Brown. And this will happen if sexy stud (and Georgia Tech grad) Jonathan Dwyer can bring the running game. All the jocks on ESPN are talking about how great the Broncos will be with The Forehead, but he’s been out of the game for a year and doesn’t have a great cadre (oooo! Big word!) of receivers, except Dwyer’s fellow Tech player, Demaryius Thomas. Honestly, I think the Steelers will win this game, but it will be close.
Cincinnati at Baltimore: Wow… this should be a good one! Will that ugly ginger Andy Dalton be able to connect with AJ Green now that handsome (but horrible) Terrell Suggs is out? Will BenJarvus Green-Ellis be able to run against
The Murderer Ray Ray? How will The Unibrow look in his first pre-season game? Questions, questions! Simon’s brain is the size of a walnut, so he can’t fathom why Marvin Lewis still has a head coaching job in the NFL, and he’ll wonder that again after the Ravens win this one.
San Diego at Oakland: Uuuuugh! What a perfectly horrible way to end the week! Philip Rivers is still a big, ugly goofball, and the Raiders are still hopeless. The best thing that can happen in this game is for the San Andreas fault to open up and swallow the stadium whole. Saving that, I think the Chargers will take this one.
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!