Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Wow! What a crazy weekend! Who knew the Saints would become the Aints again, who knew that Dallas would suck so badly, and who knew that New England would miss a makeable field goal to lose to… Arizona? My lil’ kitty brain hurts just thinkin’ about it… No wonder I went 8-8 last week! Here are my picks for week 3!
New York Giants at Carolina: Well! The G-Men sure looked fallible against the lowly Bucs, didn’t they? If it weren’t for the sexy duo of Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks, they might not have pulled out the win there! Of course I’m rooting for my hometown kitties – didn’t that handsome Steve Smith play like a beast last week, ladies? – but I think the Giants just have too much firepower to lose this one. Although my heart – and my naughty bits – will be cheering for my chocolate thunder, Cam!
St. Louis at Chicago: The Rams beat my main man RG3 last week? What the heck? How do professionals make a living predicting these games? Honey, I just don’t know what to think sometimes! But I do think that those mean, grizzly Bears will win this one, although if the Rams play like they did last week, it could be an interesting game! Grrrrr! Go Bears!
Buffalo at Cleveland: Oh my! A game with not one, but two mistakes by a lake! Oh Lord, I crack myself up sometimes! You know, as awful as Cleveland is, they sure play with a lot of heart, which is good. Because they’re going to need it this week! My daddy – a Georgia Tech fan – hates CJ Spiller (who played for Clemson). I just don’t have the heart to tell him that Spiller is one sexy hunka man meat that’s gonna run wild against the Browns. Take the Bills in this game, but take a couple of white crosses so you can stay awake through it! My goodness… I’m such an l’enfant terrible, aren’t I?
Tampa Bay at Dallas: The boys from Dallas went up to Seattle last week… and got SPANKED! That dreamy Marshawn Lynch carved Dallas up for 122 yards, and the Seachicken’s D made Dallas look as lame as parachute pants! Tampa Bay, meanwhile, took it to the Giants, losing by 7. I think Tony McButterfingers will rebound, as will the rest of team.. especially since they’re playing at home. Take the Cowboys to win this one, although it won’t be the convincing win ‘Boys fans want it to be. By the way, have you heard about McDonald’s new sandwich? It’s called the McRomo, and if you eat it in the 4th quarter, you’re guaranteed to choke! L’enfant terrible strikes again!
Detroit at Tennessee: My fantasy
tag team dream team of Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson fell to the 49ers last Sunday night, and looked a little lost for a while. Come to Simon, guys… I’ll give you a hug! I look for the Lions to rebound against a mediocre Titans team this week. Don’t worry boys… Simon has faith in you!
Jacksonville at Indianapolis: Ever been to Jacksonville? Simon has a hard time getting excited about anything involving J-Town. Everything about that place is lame, especially the football team. Last week, the Jagoffs had a whopping 52 yards passing and went 0 for 9 on third downs. Good job, Blaine Gabbert! Even more humiliating, a drunk Jacksonville fan ran on the field… and likely ran for more yards than the Jaguars offense did! That’s sad. The Colts will win this one, although Simon deems it more of a “mercy killing”.
New York Jets at Miami: Haha! How ya lookin’, Dirty Sanchez? Lookin’ like the Steelers kicked your butt, man! Daddy was happy! But I think Gang Green will surely bounce back against the Fins, who handled the Raiders with surprising ease last week. Although my heart will be pulling for the sexy mens from South Florida, my feline intuition says that the Jets will win, toe suckers, shit ‘stache and Kness McGee and all.
San Francisco at Minnesota: So Simon went down to Gamestop and flirted with those cute geek boys a couple of days ago. He had them run a hundred simulations of this game, and the result was the same 100 times out of 100: the 49ers beat the Vikings. And that’s what’s going to happen on Sunday, too!
Kansas City at New Orleans: As I mentioned in the intro.. are we seeing the return of the New Orleans Aints? My daddy, a childhood fan of the Falcons, certainly hopes so! But the Simon is pretty sure they’ll avoid an 0-3 start this week against the Chiefs. Like I said last week, if you lose to Kansas City they move you to the Arena League, right? Simon doesn’t see that happening. Go for the Saints in this game, but I don’t think it’ll be the easy game Saints fans are hoping for!
Cincinnati at Washington: Who to pull for? My daddy’s division rival… or Dan Synder? Ewwww! It’s a choice too terrible to make! Although the Rams surprised them last week, I think my sexy hunka hunka burnin’ love (RG3) will bounce back and show that sexy swagger that makes him such a stunner! Take the Redskins to win this one!
Philadelphia at Arizona: Simon was torn about last week’s game. On the one hand, he hates that awful Michael Vick. On the other hand, they beat the Ravens, and my daddy says that every time the Ravens lose, God saves a kitten! So I just don’t know what to think! I do think the Eagles will keep the win steak alive this week, no matter that the Cards will be pumped up about their last minute win against Tom Terrific last week!
Atlanta at San Diego: Simon had a couple of drinks to celebrate the Falcons’ win over the Broncos last night… but unlike Michael Turner, Simon didn’t drive! Seriously… Michael Turner, you’re young, you’re rich and you’re cute… couldn’t you get a ride from somebody? Simon would have driven you anywhere, handsome man! That said, Simon’s Upset Pick of the Week™ is for the Falcons to beat that Chargers in their house.
Houston at Denver: Speaking of Monday Night Football, You can bet your sweet buns that the Texans are studying Atlanta’s light-out defensive performance against the Broncos last night. Not that they need too, really. The Texans are gonna make Mr Forehead go 1-2 this week, and you can take that to the credit union, ladies!
Pittsburgh at Oakland: The Steelers had a rough first quarter last week, but came on strong the rest of the game. Simon’s Lock of the Week™ is for Large Benjamin, Mike Wallace and my favorite, most handsome NFL player – Antonio Brown – to get the job done. Hopefully the Steelers will have Harrison and Polamalu back, which should scare the crap outta the Raiders! Take the Steelers all the way, baby! And hey… Antonio Brown? YOU know what “Brown can do for me”! hehehe!
New England at Bawlmer: It almost made my cry watching Tom Terrific helplessly on the sidelines last week. Don’t you worry, handsome man… your team will surely bounce back! It just won’t be this week. Ray Ray and Ed Reed will make mincemeat of your offense, and Unibrow McGee will have a field day against your questionable offense. I’ll take the Ravens to win this game, and I think it won’t be as close as many will think! But if the Ravens lose, it’s no skin off my precious lil’ nose, either!
Green Bay at Seattle: Big burly meat packers versus latte sippin’ beatniks? Yeah, I think the Packers will win this one. But it’s in Seattle, and it won’t be the walk through the park that many might have expected. Seattle’s a tough town to win in on the road, and the Seakchickens appear to be for real this year. So the Packers win, but it won’t be the 42-10 score you might have imagined last year. More like 35-31. But that goofball Aaron Rogers will find a way this week, ladies!
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!
– The Simon