Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 10-5 last week, much better than my previous two weeks! I’m up to 36-27 on the season. Let’s see if I can knock this week out of the park!
Here are my picks for Week 5!
Cardinals at Rams: I just looooveee birds! I can sit at the window and stare at them for hours! And I can also stare at that handsome Larry Fitzgerald for hours, too! Come see me, Larry… I’ve got something you can do with those good hands of yours! Girls, Arizona is looking like the team to beat in the NFC West this year… take them to beat St. Louis, but if the same Rams team shows up that beat the Seachickens last week, it’ll be close!
Dolphins at Bengals: RAWR! My cousins the tigers should feast on dolphin meat this week, although the ‘Fins are a better team than most people give them credit for. The fish – and that cute little twink Ryan Tannehill – might make it a game, but I think Cincinnati just has too much stud power to lose this one!
Green Bay at Indianapolis: Awww! That poor lil’ Aaron Rodgers! First the replacement refs make him lose a game, and last week the regular refs gave him a hard time, too! Why? He’s soooo handsome, although I prefer the long blonde hair of that chiseled Clay Matthews any time, girlfriend! That hair, just flowing in the breeze… those strong thighs… holding me down… and… what? Oh yes, the pick! I think that lil’ Andrew Luck is as cute as a button, but I don’t think the Colts will be able to get past the Packers! At least, that’s where I’d put my money!
Baltimore at Kansas City: I just love the Ravens’ purple costumes, but we won’t get to see them this week became they’re playing in Kansas City! Yuck! The only thing good about Kansas City is those bone suckin’ ribs… and if Ray Rice wants something to suck on… What? Oh fine! Girls, there’s just no way the Chiefs can beat the Ravens this week. Look for the Ratbirds to stomp all 0ver the field on both sides of the ball this week.
New York Giants at Cleveland: My main main Victor Cruz playing the Mistake By The Lake? The Giants aren’t as good as people think, and the Browns aren’t nearly as bad as their 0-4 record would indicate. If “Bad Eli” shows up, along with the “Decent Browns”, this could be a close game… but I’m still gonna take the Giants to win this one!
Philadelphia at Pittsburgh: This could be a really good game! The Steelers’ offense has looked really good, but will come up against Philly’s D, which is much better than Oakland’s (and, the way it’s looking these days, the Jets’, too). On the other hand, the Steelers’ ailing defense is almost certainly getting Troy Polamalu (and his fabulous hair!) and James Harrison (and his ripped chest!) back. Those two could be a bit rusty, but they’re veterans, so if they can gel and get some pressure on that awful Michael Vick, they could sneak a win from the Eagles. If this was at the Linc, I think the Eagles win by 3 or less. But it’s at Heinz Field, so I’ll take the Steelers.
Atlanta at Washington: My goodness! Has Atlanta become the best team in the NFC or what? That Adonis Matt Ryan is finding everyone on the field – especially that cute Julio Jones… Haaaaaaayyyy! – while Michael Turner is getting 7, 8, 9 yards every time he touches the ball! The Durrrrty Burds defense will shut down the Deadskins. I say put it all on the the Falcons this week!
Seattle at Carolina: MY HOMETOWN KITTIES! Cam Newton! Johnathan Stewart! Steve Smith! My heart’s all aflutter! Too bad I can’t name anyone from the Panthers’ defense. Child, the Seachickens are gonna come in and SHUT DOWN my cousins! I’ll be sad, but the fact is, the Seahawks will win this one, I think. Especially if stupid ol’ Ron Rivera decides to punt on 4th and 1 again! Simon’s brain is smaller than a chestnut, but even he knew they shoulda gone for it last week!
Chicago at Jacksonville: My main man Matt Forte is back… and even though the Bears might be a bit worn out from SPANKIN’ the Cowboys this past Monday – ummm-hmmm! – I think they’ll be able to keep that momentum going. Take the Bears over the Jags, honey!
Tennessee at Minnesota: Man, where did the Vikings come from? Adrian Peterson – normally so huggable and handsome – has just come out like a BEAST! Sugah, that man is just… OH LORD! MY THIGHS ARE AFLAME! What? OK, OK, Daddy.. jeez! It’s hard to beat the Vikes in their house with a full crowd… and the Titans ain’t up to the task! Take the Vikings in this game!
Denver at New England: Wow! This should be one hell of a game! Mr Forehead and Company are traveling to Foxborough to take on Tom Terrific! I love him sooo much! My momma just doesn’t understand how handsome he is! I just want to snuggle with him… and, oddly enough Gisele, too! Oh my! How fabulous! Anyway… I don’t know who to pick with this one! The Pats looked great last week, and it’s always hard to win up there. But I think my Upset of the Week™ has the Broncos squeaking out a win this week!
Buffalo at San Francisco: There’s no need to type up a whole paragraph for this, honey! The 49ers will stop the Bills!
San Diego at New Orleans: It sure seems like most of the money is going towards the Aints in this matchup… but Simon’s feline intuition tells him that ugly-ass Philip Rivers and the Chargers come in to the Big Easy and sneak out with a win! And speaking of “The Big Easy”… have you met my friend Longines? hehehe… I’m awful!
Houston at New York Jets: Four words, girlfriend: Arian Foster and Andre Johnson. The Texans are just playing too well and the Jets are falling apart. Who knows who Toe Sucker will put in as QB this week? If any game is a lock this week, it’s this one! Take the Texans all the way, honey!
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!
– The Simon