Hey, ya’ll! It’s Simon again! Your football feline went 9-5 last week, and is 45-32 for the season so far! Not bad for a little kitty, eh? Let me put down my MANmosa and give you my picks for week 6, honey!
Steelers at Titans: Wow… the boys from Steel City sure looked like a more balanced team with the strong, sexy legs of Rashard Mendenhall in the lineup, didn’t they? And even though that hamdsome James Harrison didn’t have a great game stat-wise, the Iggles still had to account for him. Even though my boys gave up the Eagles touchdown in the 4th quarter, they looked pretty good for most of the game. And here’s the thing: the Titans ain’t the Eagles. If the Steelers can contain Chris “Sexy Legs” Johnson and force Matt “My Best Days are Behind Me” Hasslebeck to throw, it will be an easy win for them. I take the Steelers to win this game, hopefully easily.
Oakland at Atlanta: Matt Ryan… Tony Gonzalez… Michael Turner… Julio Jones… the Falcons aren’t just stacked with talent… they’re stacked with sexy! They’re 5-0 and, barring some kind of unforeseen disaster, will be 6-0 after this game. Ya’ll know I love me some sexy pirate mens… but Atlanta’s just got too much talent. Take the Falcons to win this one! (Sidebar: so the Falcons’ quarterback is Matt Ryan, but the kicker is Matt Bryant? Well that’s confusing!)
Cincinnati at Cleveland: One word: Ewwwww! Take the Bengals.
St. Louis at Miami: Ahhhh… South Beach. All those handsome mens in Speedos rollin’ around in the sand… Oh MY, girlfriend! The Dolphins have been surprising all season, and the Rams aren’t all that bad, despite they’re being from St. Louis. I’ll take the Dolphins, although the Rams could make this interesting!
Indianapolis at New York Jets: Simon’s got a funny joke for you: “the New York Jets”! If this game were in
New York New Jersey, Simon would give the Parade of Incompetence that is the Jets a slight advantage. However, they’re playing in Indianapolis, where the home crowd will give the Colts a slight advantage. I’ll take the Colts, but I’m not really sure about them.
Detroit at Philadelphia: My beautiful man Calvin Johnson! I’ve got me eye on yooooouu! But seriously, Captain Walrus and the Dog Killer are still smarting from their loss to Daddy’s Steelers last week, and they’ll be out for blood here. I think Philly just has more talent than Detroit, and if Dog Killer can hold on to the ball, I think the Eagles win this one!
Kansas City at Tampa Bay: Ahhh… here’s my Nap Game of the Week™! I’ll be upstairs in bed for this game, and if Lunesta doesn’t work for you, Simon recommends watching this game! Hehehehehe!! Seriously… Tampa Bay ain’t much – it’s hard to believe that 1-3 is good enough for 2nd place in the NFC South – put they have enough in the tank (even with John Freeman – to get past the Chiefs. Take the Buccaneers and an Ambien and call me when this one’s over!
Dallas at Baltimore: It’s the Battle of Ugly Quarterbacks! Can Butterfingers Romo take his team past the elite\not-elite Unibrow McGee? Can Dallas’ defense stop Ray Rice? Will I download Barbra Streisand’s new album? Questions, questions! Ya know, just to make my daddy happy I’m gonna take the Cowboys as my Upset of the Week™ (although secretly I’m pretty sure the Ratbirds will win this one at home).
Buffalo at Arizona: Two teams that no one cares about battle to the death! Simon says “screw this”, pours himself another Bloody Caesar, and sees what’s on HGTV. Take the Cardinals… if you care!
New England at Seattle: Now this should be a game! My main man Tom Brady travels to Seattle to take on that handsome rookie Russell Wilson (by the way: “Heeeeeeyyy Russell!). Even though this is happening in Seattle – where “home field advantage” is a real thing – I think Emperor Palpatine and company will win this pretty easily. Take the Patriots, girls!
New York Giants at San Francisco: Now this should be a game worth watching! Handsome mens from New York… lining up against hot, sweaty mens from San Francisco… muscles glistening in the autumn sun… Oh my! Since this game is in San Francisco, I’ll the 49ers over the Giants… but Rachel Maddow will make this an interesting contest!
Minnesota at Washington: Wow! Where did the Purple People Eaters come from? Outta nowhere, seems like? I love me some of that handsome chocolate man Robert Griffin… but I just don’t think they’ll win this one. Take the Vikings to win this one!
Green Bay at Houston: How bad are things for Green Bay? Well, their leading wide receiver is white (although that Jordy Nelson is pretty doggone cute!). Poor Aaron Rogers won’t be doing many “discount double-checks” this week! Take the Texans to handle the Packers pretty easily.
Denver at San Diego: Which ugly doofus wins this game? Peyton “The Forehead” Manning? Or Philip “No really, he’s not retarded!” Rivers? Who knows? This should be a fun game, although the Football Feline is pretty sure that the Broncos will take this one!
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!
– The Simon