Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! OMG! WHAT is going on in the NFL? Denver led 24-0 at the half… only to lose by 11? Dallas had multiple chances to beat Baltimore… but gave it away? Oakland took Atlanta to the brink? The Giants destroyed the 49ers? I just don’t understand! I went 4-10 last week, but I guess lots of others did too! Let’s see if I can rebound in week 7!
Seahawks at 49ers: That super-sexy Russell Wilson hooked up with studmuffin Sidney Rice to spank the Pats (and my beloved Tom Terrific!) last week! [imagines Russell Wilson nude, spanking Tom Brady] Ummmmmm..What? Oh yes, sorry. The Seachickens turned giant-killler by knocking off the Pats last week… but do they have the cojones to go to San Francisco and take one from the 49ers? Will the 49ers, still smarting from last week’s ass-beating by the Giants, let them do it? Simon says no! Take the 49ers to win, although Wilson and company could make this a close game!
Tennessee at Buffalo: This is a game between two hapless, middling teams. It’s like “Olive Garden vs Applebee’s”, and there’s just no winner here if you know what I mean! I want to pull for the handsome Southern gentlemens from Nashville, but I think the home team will (just barely) win this one. Simon says take the Bills to win this one!
Cleveland at Indianapolis: Cleveland or Indianapolis? And I have to choose between them? It’s like the Price is Right Showcase… in Hell! Do I pick the dying Rust Belt town known for being a mistake? Or do I pick the town so fat that a deep fried pork brain sandwich is known as a “light snack”? You sure there’s not an NFL team in Saint Lucia? Simon would be happy to go on a fact-finding mission to investigate! No? Blech. Simon says take the Colts at home, although he’s not happy about either pick!
Green Bay at St. Louis: You could see it building and building. For weeks. Green Bay’s frustration mounted and mounted and mounted… until last Sunday, when they blew up all over the Texans! Honey, if the Packers play the rest of the season like they did last Sunday, they’re a lock for the playoffs. And Simon thinks they’ll bring their green and yellow vengeance to St. Louis this week. The Rams are a better team that most people think, but they’ll be no match for the handsome mens from Green Bay. Simon says take the Packers to win big, baby!
Arizona at Minnesota: My main man RG3 brought it to the Vikings, while the inconsistent Cards dropped a heart-breaker to Buffalo in overtime last week. I think the nerdy (but cute!) Christian Ponder and that smouldering hunk of man meat Adrian Peterson BRING IT to the Cards this week. Sure, that handsome Larry Fitzgerald will try to make a game of it… but in the end Simon says that the Vikings will take this one pretty easily! And ya know… whoever would have thought a guy named “Larry Fitzgerald” would be black, anyway?
Washington at New York Giants: Oh my! The Giants showed up to play last week, making the 49ers look like a Pop Warner team! Simon watched that entire game (no naps!) and he was impressed… especially with the powerful legs of Ahmad Bradshaw! Hey handsome… call me some time! This game boils down to which Washington team shows up: the one that looks like it has a promising future… or the one that looks like the same old (Dan Synder-owned) Deadskins? Simon says the Giants will win this game one way or the other; the only question is how competitive the ‘Skins can make it.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: On paper, you’d like to pick the Saints to win this one, wouldn’t you? Heck, the Saints have looked awesome “on paper” all season long! Tampa Bay, meanwhile, has looked awful all season, winning only against my toothless Panthers and the Chiefs, possibly the worst team in the NFL. Sure, the Bucs really blew out Kansas City last week… but I don’t want Tanpa Bay’s 19 remaining fans to get their hopes up: Simon says that the Saints will win this one. The only question is… will anyone care?
Dallas at Carolina: Ohhhhhh my! It’s time for that Cam Newton to get spanked again! Look, Simon hates Tony Romo and company as much as any red-blooded American kitty. But I just don’t think there’s any way they can beat the Cowboys, especially given how pissed off the ‘Boys must be after their last second loss to the Ravens last week. Simon says that his hometown kitties will be outmatched in every aspect, and that the Cowboys will easily blow out the Panthers. Cam can do his Superman dance all he wants… he’ll still be 1-5 after Sunday.
Baltimore at Houston: Funny how people call the Steelers defense “old and slow”, while at the same time the Ravens defense looks like a Florida retirement community! Ray Ray is done for the year (if not completely). Lardarius Webb is done for the season, too. Terrell Suggs might be back soon, although he’ll probably be a bit rusty. And come on… Dannell Ellerbe and Jimmy Smith are capable backups… but they just aren’t the same as Lewis and Webb. The Ratbirds gave up 227 yards against the Cowboys, and in my book the Texans are likely to do the same. Simon says take the Texans in this game.
Jacksonville at Oakland: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… What? Oh, take the Raiders.
New York Jets at New England: Ahhhh… the New York Jets! The Basket Case of the NFL! For most of the season they looked like they’d struggle against a Division III college team… but last week they destroyed the the Colts 35-9. And ya’ll already know what I think about Tom Terrific and his crew (if you need to cry Tom, you can always cry on my shoulder!). Gisele ain’t got nothin’ on me! And you know who has a good sense of style? Blake Lively! I mean, girl’s got it goin’ on in the style department! And she makes it look so effortless, ya know? Like Blake was just going willy-nilly through her closet and threw this and that together and it looks soooo fabulous! I mean, girl could wear a Jenny Packham dress with Walmart flip-flops and she’d totally look like a fashion plate! Sure, Leighton Meester’s got her own thing goin’ on, and she totally pulls it off, too. But it’s like she doesn’t even play the same game that Blake does, ya know? And ya know what Blake’s really good at? Accessorizing! I don’t know where she finds all those cute earrings and bracelets! I’m so jealous of Blake it’s not even funny, and… what? Football? Oh yes… silly me! Simon says to take the Patriots to win this one!
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Wow… I just don’t know what to do with this one. I don’t want to make my daddy mad by picking the Bengals (and really.. when was Cincinnati ever the answer to anything?). But the Steelers just haven’t played well on the road this year, and their gigantic list of injuries don’t help. Thankfully, the Steelers get a long rest between last Thursday night’s game and this Sunday night’s game. Mendy will probably be back (although he’ll probably be limited). Redzone Redman should absolutely be back, as will Marcus Gilbert and, for the defense LaMarr Woodley and Chris Carter. But with Maurkice Pouncey still on the mend and Troy Polamalu’s entire career up in the air.. who knows? I’ll pick the Steelers just to make daddy happy, but don’t be surprised if, once again, they give up a late lead and lose by 3.
Detroit at Chicago: This should be a fun Monday night game! Handsome mens Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson (sigh!) taking on those man-size cups of hot chocolate Devin Hester and Brandon Marshall! Ohhhhhh my! I’d give ’em a quick lick and make it stick, girl! Simon says that this could be a close one, a really close one. Detroit could sneak out of Second City with a win. But Simon says he thinks the Bears will come away with the victory this time!
Hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!
– The Simon!