Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 9-5 last week, which makes me 70-48 for the season so far! Not too shabby for the Football Feline, no? Let’s see if I can’t do even better this week! Here are my fabulous picks for week 9!
Chiefs at Chargers: Normally my daddy DVRs regular shows like 30 Rock and The Office and watches Thursday NFL games live. I asked him about this game, and he said he might not even watch it! And who can blame him! The Chargers, one of the most overrated teams in the NFL… going up against a Kansas City team whose entire offensive gameplan appears to be “hand it off to Jamaal Charles”. Now, Jamaal Charles is pretty sexy… but come on, man! You’ve gotta have a better plan than that! The hapless Chiefs haven’t led a game for a single second this season (their one win came against New Orleans in OT). I hardly think this week is going to be any different… take the Chargers to breeze through this one!
Denver at Cincinnati: The Bungles are the most overrated 3-4 team in the NFL, and I expect The Forehead and my HANDSOME MAN Demaryius Thomas (sigh!) to put the beat down on ’em. Hey, I love my fellow kitties as much as the next cat, but I just don’t see how the Bengals can win this game. Put all your ducats on the Broncos to win this one!
Baltimore at Cleveland: If the Bengals are the most overrated 3-4 team, then the Browns are the most underrated 2-6 team in the league. Make no mistake… anything to do with Cleveland is just awful – hideous, even – but while the Browns will remain a cellar team in the AFC North, they have the ability to play any team, any time. Having said all that, there’s no way they beat the Ravens this week, even with the Ratbirds missing Ray Ray and Lardarius Webb and all rest. I hate picking those nasty Ravens, but there’s just no way the Browns take one from the ‘Birds.
Arizona at Green Bay: Simon would love to get man-handled. But Arizona didn’t much care for it on Monday night. The 49ers made them look like a Pop Warner team… and you can expect more of the same when they go to Green Bay, baby! Those poor Arizona boys just won’t be able to handle the hotness of Aaron Rodgers or the coolness of the Green Bay autumn. I love you, Larry Fitzgerald – seriously, girls… have you seen his butt in those tight pants? – but I’m picking the Packers to win… even without studmuffins Greg Jennings and Jordy Nelson. And Jordy… if you need a warm, comfy place to rehab, come see Simon! I’ll be waiting for yooooooouuu!
Chicago at Tennessee: The Simon is not a Jay Cutler fan. I mean, sure, he’s kind of cute. But he’s a quitter. And Simon doesn’t care for “hit it and quit it” mens. If you want The Simon, you’ve gotta be in it for the long haul, baybee. Ya gotta be committed, honey! And I don’t think Cutler is committed to either me or the Bears. Oh sure… the Monsters of the Midway are 6-1 and in a tough division this year. But I think Cutler’s toughness (or lack thereof) will determine how far they go this year. Now that The Simon has gotten all that out of the way, I think the Bears will handle the depleted Titans pretty easily. But if you’re a Bears fan, it’s not this week you have to worry about. It’s the weeks in December that really count.
Miami at Indianapolis: Two words, girlfriend: “Cameron Wake”. That’s 258 pounds of sexy hot chocolate comin’ straight out of Penn State! That man is a beast on the field (and oh, wouldn’t Simon love to find out if he’s a BEAST in the bedroom, too!). The ‘Fins have been a pleasant surprise this year, and are much better than their 4-3 record would indicate. GO SOUTH BEACH! STAY FABULOUS! I’ll see ya’ll at Cameo soon, and I’ll pick the Dolphins to scrape by cute lil’ Andrew Luck this week, although it could be close!
Carolina at Washington: Well… Simon just doesn’t know who to pull for in this contest between two teams that really must win this game. I mean, both teams are hot messes! My homeman Cam Newton seems to be wilting under the pressure of a losing season, and the Deadskins looked completely lost during most of their game against my daddy’s Steelers last week. You know what? I could agonize over this pick for hours… but I’m just gonna pick my hometown kitties to get the win this week. So come on and make me proud, Panthers!
Detroit at Jacksonville: OMG! I think the Jax kitties would have a hard time beating the South Point High School Red Raiders… don’t you agree? I mean, honey… the Jags seem to discover new, exciting ways to lose games, ya know? And as sketchy as the Lions have looked all season – can you believe my main man Calvin Johnson still hasn’t caught a touchdown pass this year? – their gutsy win last weekend gave me hope. I’ll pick the Lions to win this game, even if it comes down to the last 15 seconds!
Buffalo at Houston: “And, like lambs to the slaughter, the Buffalo Bills take the field…” Don’t be silly: take the Texans here.
Tampa Bay at Oakland: [Simon puts green eyeshade on] Now, this could be an interesting game, ladies! These teams are pretty evenly matched, talent wise. Oh sure, Carson Palmer is ten times the QB Josh Freeman ever will be (how Freeman remains a starting QB is a greater mystery to Simon than that red dot!). But both teams have hawkish, opportunistic defenses that love to exploit weaknesses in their opponent’s offenses. [Simon takes green eyeshade off] Go with the Buccaneers, girls! They’re sexier!
Minnesota at Seattle: Simon needs a nap. So take the Seahawks.
Pittsburgh at New York Giants: Well! The Steelers offense has looked pretty good all season, but seemed to jell completely last week, as they were almost able to do anything they wanted against the listless Deadskins. You so sexy, Heath Miller… and the Young Money Crew can stop by Belmont any old time!. But what’s most important is that their defense seems to finally be coming together, putting in two really good games in the past two weeks. The Giants, on the other hand… I’m not so sure about ’em. They ran out to a huge lead against the Cowboys, only to give it up. If this season’s Cowboys weren’t the modern day incarnation of the Keystone Cops, the G-Men might have lost that game. All this is why I’m picking the Steelers as my Upset of the Week™. The boys from Steel Town know that they have to win on the road, and against good opponents, too. And this is their test.
Dallas at Atlanta: Do the Falcons have a beefcake calendar for 2013? Something where I could stare at that cute Matt Ryan for a month, then stare at Julio Jones for a month before switching over to that handsome Latin sexsation, Tony Gonzalez? If so, you know what Simon wants for Christmas! All joking aside, ladies, the Cowboys are gonna go to ATL angry. They’re gonna want that win soooo badly. But I don’t think the Duuurrrrttttyy Birds will give them the satisfaction. Atlanta is nearly unbeatable at home during the regular season, and I see no reason why this would change just for Tony Romo and company. Take the Falcons to go 8-0 this Sunday!
Philadelphia at New Orleans: Both of these teams are under-performing. That awful Michael Vick (I still love my doggie friends!) and The Walrus seem to finally be imploding. But the Aints seem to be slowly getting their mojo back after a slow start. Just as fans in the Big Easy “put their trust in Breesus”, so too does Simon think the Saints win this one. And he can’t wait for all the self-loathing from Iggles fans on Reddit on Monday morning!
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks and the games! See ya’ll next week!
XOXOXOXOXOXO!!!
– The Simon