Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Guess which kitty went 13-1 last week? THIS kitty! I’m 83-49 for the season, which I believe puts me ahead of the walking corpse that is Cris Collinsworth! But no time to brag now… week 10 is coming! Here are my picks for this week! Enjoy!
Indianapolis at Jacksonville: The Jax Kitties have 99 problems, and while a bitch ain’t one… they still have 99 problems. The play calling is terrible, the o-line can’t protect the QB, but even if they could what’s Blaine Gabbert gonna do? He doesn’t have anyone to throw to! Things aren’t any better on the other side of the ball, either. Their secondary stinks, and while the linebackers aren’t awful, the play calling here ain’t great, either. This team is in such disarray it’s time for Shahid Khan to fire Gene Smith… and everyone else connected to the organization. Just in time to move to Los Angeles! Simon says take the Colts to win this one easily, especially with that cute lil’ Andrew Luck coming on so well! Hey Randy Andy… Simon’s looking for yoooooouuu!
New York Giants at Cincinnati: Wow! So did the Steelers expose some weaknesses in the Giants or what? Lil’ Eli looked lost last week, and you hardly heard the sexy names “Hakeem Nicks” and “Victor Cruz” in the second half. Here’s hoping renowned doofus Marvin Lewis actually studies tape of that game, ‘cos it’s possible that Cincy could pull off an upset at home, even with that awful ginger as QB. However, I think Coughlin gets the team fired up this week, and the Giants win fairly easily on the road.
Tennessee at Miami: Speaking of 99 problems… it’s the Tennessee Titans! The team that upset the Steelers in week 6 has progressively gotten worse every week since, ending in last week’s humiliating 51-20 beatdown by the sexy mens from Chi-town. Like the Jags, the Titans have so many problems, and on so many levels, that it’s hard to even know where to begin fixing them. Even if the rumors about cute lil’ Jake Locker coming back this week are true… The Simon doesn’t think it’ll help much. The ‘Fins, on the other hand, are coming together (in a circle, hopefully, with Simon in the middle!). Sure, they lost last week (thanks for being the “1” in my “13-1” picks, guys!). But that handsome Ryan Tannehill will get a win for the Dolphins this week!
Minnesota at Detroit: Hmmmm… two teams from cold-ass places no one cares about. Ya’ll know Simon wants to pick the Dee-troit kitties ‘cos of the sexy duo of Stafford and Johnson (and girl, I wanna see his Johnson!). But they’ve just been so quiet lately. The Simon hasn’t see many Lions games this year, so he doesn’t know what the problem is. But he does know that his Bärchen Adrian Peterson will have a field day with the Lions. Run all over the Lions, Adrian… then come see this Carolina Kitty! The Lions might hang in there, but I’m picking the Vikings in this game!
Buffalo at New England: “And, like lambs to the slaughter, the Buffalo Bills take the field…” Tom Terrific, Sexy Welker and Gorgeous Gronk will hardly break a sexy sweat in this game. Take the Patriots to win by at least 14!
Atlanta at New Orleans: The Simon has a bad feeling about this game. Yes, the Durty Birdz are 8-0… but who have they beaten, really? They let the Chiefs put 24 points on them. They got past Denver, but that was in week 2 before Peyton and the offense jelled. They whipped a mediocre San Diego team, then squeaked by the god-awful Carolina Kitties before barely beating Washington, Oakland, Philly and Dallas. The combined record of all the teams they’ve faced so far this season is 23-42, which ain’t all that! I think Drew Brees and his golden arms will present a huge challenge for the Falcons’ defense… and if the Aints play defense against the Falcons like they did against the Iggles last night… it could be a long day for Atlanta! I think the Falcons will win, but barely. It’ll be more like the 30-28 win over the Panthers than the 27-3 win over the Chargers. And if Atlanna falls behind early… look for the upset!
San Diego at Tampa Bay: WHO IS THIS HANDSOME DOUG MARTIN, AND WHERE HAS HE BEEN ALL MY LIFE? The Bucs have been but of a joke in the NFC South for the past couple of years, but they’re coming on strong now! And last week that Adonis Martin ran for 251 yards against the Raiders! Sign me up for that, girl! And let’s face it, folks: the Chargers are going down the tubes. Expect Norv to get fired after the season, and Philip Rivers will keep his job, but not after the thrashing of a lifetime. And it’ll only get worse for them this week, when the Buccaneers run all over them (literally!).
Denver at Carolina: Sorry, Cam. You’re handsome and you’re sexy, and you have a lot of talent. You’ve even got a lot of sexy talent around you, like that handsome Jonathan Stewart and Steve Smith (he’s soooo angry!). But there just ain’t no way you beat the Broncos this year. Simon picks the Broncos to win as his Lock of the Week™.
Oakland at Baltimore: As depleted as Bawlmer’s defense is, and as shaky as Unibrow McGee has looked, and as crappy as Cam Cameron’s play calling has been – “why use Ray Rice when our shaky quarterback can throw it behind one of our butterfinger receivers?” – it’s hard to win in Bawlmer. This is a classic match up between one team that’s not as good as their record would indicate (Bawlmer) and another team that’s better than their record would indicate (Oakland). Still, I think Balwmer keeps it close and wins in in a squeaker, like 17-14. Take the Ravens, although my daddy would love for me to be wrong!
New York Jets at Seattle: Ooooooooo! Speaking of hard places to win! The Jets are bringing their non-stop merry-go-round of idiocy to Seattle this week! Will Sanchez throw 3 or more picks? Will Tim Tebow come out… and have 3 carries for 8 yards? Yeah. Expect that steaming hawt Russell Wilson to kick some Jet ass this week. Take the Seahawks to win, and although the score might be something like 31-24, the game won’t be nearly as close as that.
Dallas at Philadelphia: Ya’ll know that Simon hates that Michael Vick for what he did to his doggie cousins. You should, I mention it every damn week! But as I was watching the game last night… I almost felt sorry for the guy. It seems that Philly’s game plan is simple: snap the ball to Vick, then have the o-line stand around and watch Vick run for his life. Whereas someone like Ben Roethlisberger used to get sacked a lot because he held on to the ball too long while waiting for something to happen downfield, poor Vick can’t take more then two steps back before one of the Aints was all up in his business. I lost count of how many times the Aints stacked 2 defenders on one side, and the Iggles didn’t even seem to notice! The ball was snapped, the defender came across the line untouched, and Vick hit the ground. The Aints had more sacks against the Iggles than… than… than a Chinese sack factory? (Humor isn’t Simon’s forte). And Dallas’ defense looked pretty tough against the Falcons! If the Cowboys bring that same defense to Philly, and if Tony Pick’Mo doesn’t do anything too stupid, the Cowboys will come away with a win. Although Simon hesitates to pick them, since the Cowboys seem to find new and exciting ways to lose games at the last moment. Seriously, guys: Simon will be hosting a complimentary 3-day session on “Clock Management” next week. I’ll save a space for you!
St. Louis at San Francisco: Pick fabulous. Pick the 49ers.
Houston at Chicago: Simon is glad this game is on Sunday night, because it should be a good one! Maybe he can talk Momma into going to the Chinese place and picking up a bunch of appetizers. I just love egg rolls, don’t you? With a little bit of that spicy Chinese mustard? Yummm! And pot stickers! Daddy loves his steamed, but Momma only likes them fried, which is weird, ‘cos she doesn’t eat any of the filling? And what’s that fried bread with the shrimp on it? Oh yes, “Shrimp Toast”. Well that makes sense. Boy, that’s some good eats, too! I like crab rangoon, too, but you know what? I never see any crab in there! I mean, I figure they’re using that imitation crab meat, so why not splurge a bit? Am I right? Well dang! Now I’m hungry! Sha-Cha chicken would be soooo good right now! What? The picks? I pick Sha-Cha and some egg rolls! Oh, the football picks! Silly me! Well, I want to lean towards Houston here, but Chicago is coming on strong, no? Since this is in Chi-town, I’ll go with the Bears. But I’d swap the pick if it was in Houston!
Kansas City at Pittsburgh: Well, dang! I wish I hadn’t used my Lock of the Week™ pick already, because there’s just no way the Chiefs beat the Steelers at home. True, the Steelers’ running game is a question mark, but now that Todd Haley has simplified the running schemes, it seems like whoever the Steelers put in there can get 100+ yards a game without breaking a sweat. I’d love to see both Jonathan Dwyer and Antonio Brown back, but I’m hoping they rest them both for the game against the Ravens the following week. I think the Steelers’ third-stringers could beat the Chief’s first-stringers… although I really hope the Steelers don’t look past this game to next week. It’s a bad habit they have, and one I hope they break this week. Take the Steelers to win this one pretty convincingly, even if the score doesn’t look like it.
I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks and the games! See ya’ll next week!
– The Simon