Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 9-4 last week… not as good as week nine’s 13-1, but not too bad. I’m 92-53 for the year, which makes me better than a few of the “pros” out there! Maybe it’s because I am sooo fabulous! So sit back, relax, pour a Bloody Mary and enjoy my picks for week 11!
Miami at Buffalo: Yawn. Watching these two duke it out is like watching two ugly girls in last year’s Charlotte Dellals catfighting over the last homely guy left in a bar! It’s just tragic, people! Simon’s going with the Bills, but your best bet is to call DirectTV and hope they can get the NFL Sunday Ticket installed at your house before Sunday so you can watch some other game!
Arizona at Atlanta: Face it, Falcons fans: the Durty Birds were gonna lose at some point. I know it hurts that it was to the Aints, but you guys can easily bounce back against that handsome Larry Fitz and the Cards. My main man Matt Ryan is hard to beat at home, and I just don’t think Arizona is up to the challenge. Take the Falcons here, ladies!
Cleveland at Dallas: Dallas: overrated. Cleveland: underrated. Upset? Sadly, no. It’s hard to win in Jerry’s House, even with goofballs Tony Romo and Jason Garrett coming up with ever wackier ways to lose games. Given all the bizarre endings to their games, Simon is expecting that the Browns will have a lead late in the game, and Romo will throw up a bomb… which will be intercepted by Prester John riding a dragon, who will then abscond to Atlantis with the ball. Completely baffled, Ed “Old Guns” Hochuli will call the game in the Browns favor. Hey, is that any less likely than something silly from the Cowboys’ crack clock management team? And, by the way, I didn’t see you guys at the free Clock Management seminar I held this week. Herm Edwards, Mike Holgren and Marvin Lewis showed up… where were you guys? Take the Cowboys to win at home, although I don’t think it’ll be the “season-changing win” fans are hoping for.
Green Bay at Detroit: I still haven’t seen Calvin Johnson’s johnson, but that’s to be expected: the people of Motor City are still waiting for Johnson himself to show up! Even though the Pack are dealing with some big injuries, I expect them to handle the struggling Lions pretty easily. Expect to see Aaron Rodgers to do plenty of “discount doublechecks” this weekend in a Packers win.
Cincinnati at Kansas City: It’s the City with the Weird Chili versus the City that Doesn’t Understand Barbecue in a game that will attract dozens of viewers. Blah blah… A.J. Green… blah blah… Andy Dalton… blah blah… Chiefs’ D played well against the Steelers… blah blah… Matt Cassell is underrated… blah blah blah. Take the Bengals to win this one, which might make the AFC North race a bit interesting.
New York Jets at St. Louis: It’s funny: at the beginning of the season, talking heads were certain that the Jets would make a deep run in the playoffs, and that the combo of Sanchez and Tebow would be unstoppable. The only thing “unstoppable” about the Jets is how much ESPN talks about them! Yes, the mighty have fallen: take the Rams to send the Jets to 4-7, and look to the sports media to talk about what a goof Rex Ryan really is!
Philadelphia at Washington: OhMyGawd! Why are this week’s games so terrible? Nick Foles looks every bit a rookie, and Andy Reid has been seen in the vicinity of Belvieu Cemetery in Fisher County, Texas with a shovel [Simon’s most obscure football reference ever? – Ed.]. Looks like my main man RG3 – and his skull-crackin’ thighs – will have an easy time beating up a demoralized Eagles squad. Take the Redskins to win… ‘cos they’ve got nothing to lose!
Tampa Bay at Carolina: Oh, I so want my hometown kitties to win! But I think it’ll be hard against a resurgent Tampa Bay team, especially one led by that HANDSOME Doug Martin! Hey Dougie! Simon’s looking for yoooooouuuuu! Come see me on Saturday… Bring your tight end to the South End… I’ll be at Sidelines Sports Bar and Billiards! Look, I love ya, Cam, but you’ve just gotta get your act together, son. That’s why I’m picking the Buccaneers to win this one.
Jacksonville at Houston: OH MY GOD! The games just keep getting worse! The only way the Jax kitties win is if there’s an e.coli breakout at the Texans’ team hotel. And that’s the ONLY way. Take the Texans.
New Orleans at Oakland: Oakland got the beatdown last week, losing 55-20 to the Ravens. And the Ravens aren’t even that good this year! Meanwhile, whatever was ailing the Aints early in the season seems to have disappeared. Drew Brees is looking fine as ever, ladies! Take the Saints to “Brees” through this one!
San Diego at Denver: The implosion of the Chargers continues this week, when The Forehead and crew show up and humiliate dorkmeister Philip Rivers. Expect the “Days Until Norv Turner is Fired” counter to lose another day as the Broncos make light work of the collapsing Chargers.
Indianapolis at New England: Indianapolis has been a big surprise the past few weeks. Instead of being 1-8 right now, as many had expected, the Ponies are 6-3 and gunning for a Wild Card spot behind the division-leading Texans. And why not? That cute lil’ Andrew Luck is coming together quite nicely, thank you very much! I just wanna give him a hug! But this week they’re traveling to New England to take on Emperor Palpatine and the Evil Empire™. It’s hard for any team in win in Foxborough, much less a team on the cusp like the Colts. I think my number one man, Tom Terrific, and his gang of merry men come away with the win, although the Colts could make a game of it. Still, I’ll go with the Patriots here.
Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Oh no! What am I gonna do? You know I don’t wanna make my daddy mad by picking the Ravens, but with Large Benjamin hurt, I just don’t think the Steelers will win! Don’t get me wrong… Byron Leftwich is a handsome man who’s welcome to help himself to a Simonwich any time he wants. But his feet are concrete, and he’s got a slower wind-up than most MLB pitchers. The only hope for the Steelers is that their defense comes out in EXTRA STRENGTH BEAST MODE and holds the Ravens to little or nothing offensively. And what I wouldn’t give to see that Lawrence Timmons go in to beast mode on me! But seriously… it’s possible. It’s doable. But will it happen? As much as Simon would like for the Steelers to pull out a miracle win, I think the Ravens will take this one. And no one will be really happy about it. Steelers fans can say “yes, you beat us, but you beat Byron Leftwich, not Ben Roethlisberger”. And Ravens fans will say the same thing. So this is an asterisk game for both teams.
Chicago at San Francisco: Now this, my friends, will be a game! At least it might be if Alex Smith is back from his concussion (what was last week? The Week of Quarterback Injuries?) Ya’ll know Simon’s gonna pull for the 49ers, but this will be a serious Monday Night battle! Pour yourself a few Cosmos and get out the popcorn, ‘cos this is gonna be my Game of the Week™!
Hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! Have fun, I’ll see ya’ll next week!
– The Simon!