Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Guess what? I went 13-1 last week! SUCK IT Les Carpenter! hehehehe! That makes me 105-54 for the season, which is almost as good as the “pros” on Yahoo! Watch out guys – you can’t stop the fabulousness! So pour yourself a cold one and enjoy my picks for week 12!
Houston at Detroit: Hoo-boy! I still haven’t seen Calvin Johnson’s johnson, and I get the feeling he’ll be running away from this game with his johnson between his legs! Houston will run all over poor Detroit… who, by the way, are 33-37-2 on Thanksgiving Day and have lost their last 8 Thanksgiving games. Why should the Texans eat turkey when they can FEAST on Lion instead?
Washington at Dallas: I’ll say this for Tony Romo: he’s like a Chumbawumba song… he gets knocked down, and he gets up again… you’re never gonna keep him down! Once again, the Cowboys found themselves down big last week, and came away with the win in Cleveland. So while I’d normally point and laugh at Dallas, I think the Cowboys come away with the win this week. I love me some sexy RG3 action, but I think the ‘Boys have it together enough to win this one.
New York Jets at New England: Oh my! Simon needs to call his BDSM friends, ‘cos this is gonna be a beatdown like no other! Tom Terrific – even without that sexy hunk’a white meat, the Gronk – will get it done, girls! Does Simon have a Blowout of the Week™ award? ‘Cos if not, this one needs it! Take the Patriots by two TDs!
Minnesota at Chicago: Blah blah blah… NFC North… blah blah blah… Bears are butthurt… Blah blah blah… the Vikings can’t get it done… blah blah blah… BLAH! Take the Bears, ‘cos this game is at home.
Oakland at Cincinnati: Blah blah blah… Oakland sucks… Blah blah blah… Weird chili… Blah blah blah… Snoozer… Blah blah blah… Take my cousins the Bengals to win.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Blah blah blah… Ben and Byron are hurt… Blah blah blah… Plexiglass is back… Blah blah blah… Even with a 12 year-old girl in at quarterback, the Steelers beat the Browns… Blah blah blah… Ravens run up 55 points on Oakland, but the next week, the Steelers’ D held them to zero offensive TDs… Blah blah blah… They’re playing the Browns, people. Take the Steelers – yes, the Charlie Batch-led Steelers – to win this one!
Buffalo at Indianapolis: Blah blah blah… Andrew Luck… Blah blah blah… Chan Gailey is a nice guy who plays boring football… Blah blah blah… Colts at home… Blah blah blah… I say take the Colts here, ladies !
Denver at Kansas City: Blah blah blah… Peyton Manning Blah blah blah… The Chiefs. Take the Broncos to win in my Lock of the Week™!
Seattle at Miami: Blah blah blah… Maybe they’ll stop complaining about Super Bowl XL one day… Blah blah blah…Miami is more up and down than Justin Bieber in a Turkish prison… Blah blah blah…Espresso… Blah blah blah…South Beach mens… Blah blah blah…Take the Seahawks to win this one pretty easily!
Atlanta at Tampa Bay: Blah blah blah… Dirty Birds struggle to beat the Cards… Blah blah blah… Tampa on the rise… Blah blah blah… Doug Martin for Rookie of the Year… Blah blah blah… Take the Falcons to win another squeaker, but lose the follow-up game at home.
Tennessee at Jacksonville: Blah blah blah… Couldn’t pay me to sit through the one… Blah blah blah… Two drunk retards fighting in a bar… Blah blah blah… Who cares, really? Take the Titans to win, and three people to care when they win!
Baltimore at San Diego: Two words: Philip Rivers. Take the Ravens.
San Francisco at New Orleans: Blah blah blah… Wait… NO Blah blah blah! This is Simon’s Game of the Week™, folks! The Aints, coming back hard from a slow start are taking on the 49ers. Oh my! This should be AWESOME! Can the Saints, who are SO HARD to beat at home, pull one out against a BEAST defense like San Fran’s? I await this game with glee… and while most folks are picking the Saints to win at home, Simon’s going with the 49ers. BRING IT HOME, YOU SEXY MENS!
St. Louis at Arizona: “And now, back to blah blah blah…” Take the… you know what? Who cares? I’ll take the Cards to win this one… but you can be a winner by taking your life partner out for coffee and a walk through a pretty park while this game is going on.
Green Bay at New York Giants: Blah blah blah… Aaron Rodgers… Blah blah blah… Eli in a funk… Blah blah blah…Giants always fall apart before December… Blah blah blah… Take the Packers to win in New Jersey!
Carolina at Philadelphia: Sigh. Simon loves his hometown kitties! He wants the Panthers to win so badly. And you know what? Through a complex set of equations developed just for Simon by astrophysicists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, the Football Feline has determined that the Iggles are actually imploding faster than the Panthers. So my Upset of the Week™ goes to the Panthers, who will go to Philly and sneak out with a win! And bring back a Pat’s Steak and a box of Tastykakes for my daddy, would ya, Cam?
Hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! Have fun and eat a LOT OF TURKEY! I’ll see ya’ll next week!