Hey, y’all! Simon here! Well, I went 11-5 last week, and am 126-65 for the season. I guess I shoulda listened to my daddy about the Steelers, huh? I got a stern “talking to” from him about it, and will pick the Steelers the rest of the way! So anyway, enjoy my picks for week 14!
Denver at Oakland: Y’all, Oakland is just terrible, while The Forehead and that sexy Demaryius Thomas are on FIRE! Pick the Broncos to win this game, and win it big!
St. Louis at Buffalo: Yawn. My daddy has a soft spot for Chan Gailey because he once coached for Georgia Tech. So I’ll take the Bills to win at home, although I don’t really care either way. And neither will millions of football fans!
Dallas at Cincinnati: Hoo boy! Now here’s a game! Head doofus Tony Romo heads to the City of Weird Chili to take on the Bungles. My daddy would love for Romo and his Band of Handsome Mens – Jason Witten, Dez Bryant, and especially Miles Austin – to come in and get a win. The return of that hawt fox DeMarco Murray will certainly help them out, too. As much as I’d like the Cowboys to win for my daddy, I think the Bengals will take the win here.
Kansas City at Cleveland: Oh Gawd! This game is even worse than the Rams\Bills game. I shouldn’t be too hard on the Chiefs after the Javon Belcher tragedy. But while they played an inspired game over the better-than-everyone-thinks Panthers, I’m not sure that the inspiration will carry over to this week. Take the Browns to win at home here. Gosh, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to say that… and I lick my own butt!
Tennessee at Indianapolis: Yawn. Take the Colts. I guess. Watching the cute lil’ Andrew Luck is better than watching paint dry… isn’t it?
Chicago at Minnesota: heh. People from MinnahSODA talk funny. “MinnahSODA”. hehehehe. Won’t matter for them, though. The Bears will come in and beat some Viking ass on Sunday!
San Diego at Pittsburgh: I love me some sexy older mens, and while Charlie Batch looked pretty awful against the Browns, he certainly redeemed himself in the second half of the game against Bawlmer. We probably won’t know until Friday which QB will start for Pittsburgh, but I really don’t think it matters. The Chargers are imploding pretty badly, and are 6-21 all-time against the Steelers, and 2-15 in Pittsburgh. What’s worse, they’re 0-6 this season against teams with above average QB ratings and 0-5 against teams with winning records. And in his career against Pittsburgh, Philip Rivers has almost as many interceptions (3) as he does touchdowns (5). I think my daddy’s Steelers win with either Batch or Roethlisberger, although if Large Benjamin starts it won’t be nearly as close.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay: Speaking of imploding… Take the Bucs to beat up on the Birds.
Baltimore at Washington: It’s the Battle of Maryland, and for once it should be interesting. The Redskins have been on the cusp of “good” all season, and should be fired up for this game after their big win against Rachel Maddow the Giants. The Ravens, on the other hand, are coming off a big loss to my daddy’s Steelers, and face the Broncos, Giants and Bengals after that. Will Unibrow McGee and his Band of Thugs crack under the pressure? For all their wins, the Ravens lost to a horrible Eagles team, were spanked by the Texans, and barely beat the Chargers, Cowboys, Chiefs and Browns (twice). They’ve only really had two convincing wins all season, a week one 44-13 victory over the Bengals and the 55-20 beatdown of the Raiders. For betting purposes, the Football Feline says you should probably just stay away from this game. Because while the Ravens will probably pull out a win here, the Redskins could come away with a win, too. This might be the first (and only) time my daddy pulls for the Deadskins!
Atlanta at Carolina: Simon’s Lock of the Week™ is this game, in which the hated Dirty Birds come to Charlotte to take on my hometown kitties. I love you SO MUCH Cam, but this just ain’t your year. Remember how close the last game was between these teams? This one won’t be. Take the Falcons to go to 12-1 after Sunday!
Jacksonville at New York Jets: Oh great! Two awful teams going at it, just so the New York media will have something to complain about. Simon might make the trip to New Jersey this weekend… because Rex Ryan might want to put him in at quarterback! Go Simon! Go Simon! Go Simon! Seriously though, Simon puts this game at too close to call. I’ll give the Jets home field advantage here, but wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the Jax kitties come away with a win. Question: which is larger: the number of New York media people, or Jaguar fans?
Miami at San Francisco: South Beach versus The Castro? OMG! How can I choose? One has handsome beach mens… the other has wall to wall gay mens! Just kidding folks, this one’s pretty easy: Simon says to take the 49ers over the Fins this week.
New Orleans at New York Giants: The Simon has saved writing this one for last… because he really can’t make up his mind about it. At first glance, you’d think the surging Aints would come away with a win against a tough (but flawed) Super Bowl champion. But you just can’t rule Eli and Company out, ever. Even when they’re not playing very well, the G-Men seem to always find a way to pull it out in the end. So what to do? I would flip a coin, but Simon doesn’t have a thumb. So I’ll just go with the home team here: the Giants win, and it will be a signature win for them, as they’ll have to really fight for it.
Arizona at Seattle: Poor Larry Fitzgerald! So talented (and sooooo handsome!), yet he’s trapped on such an AWFUL team! And the worst thing is, it shouldn’t be this way. There are a lot of bad teams in the NFL, but that sexy lil’ Ken Whisenhunt arguably has the hottest seat in the league. In this Battle of the Birds, my main man Russel Wilson will tear the Cards. Take the Seahawks to win this one handily!
Detroit at Green Bay: No, I still haven’t seen Calvin Johnson’s johnson, and we won’t see it this week, either. As depleted as the Packers are, Aaron Rodgers will be doing his silly “discount doublecheck” all over the Lions this weekend. Take the Packers to win this one at home.
Houston at New England: Wooooooo boy! THIS is your Game of the Week™, folks! HeartTHROBS Arian Foster and Matt Schaub come to Massachusetts to take on Tom Terrific and the Evil Empire. If these two teams played 50 times this year, I think the Texans win 30-35 times. But y’all know how hard it is to win in Foxborough, so that gives the edge to the Patsies. Who to choose? I say the Patriots win, but this won’t be one of those 44-10 beatdowns they’ve been dishing out lately. It’ll be close, but the Pats win.
Hope y’all enjoy the picks! See y’all next week!
XOXOXO
– Simon