Hey, y’all! The Simon went 11-5 last week, for a total of 23-9 for the year. The Simon needs to get BETTER, not worse! I’ll stop staring at the handsome mens and pay attention to the GAMES this week. Let’s see if I can do better!
Kansas City at Philadelphia: The Walrus™ comes home to Philly this week, against Chip Kelly and that AWFUL Michael Vick (solidarity, doggie friends!). This could end up being a really good game, y’all! Kansas City will BRING IT against their coach’s old team, but I think the Eagles will squeak out a win here.
Green Bay at Cincinnati: It’s the Cheeseheads versus the Chiliheads! The Krappy Kitties are looking pretty good this year, but I think their luck will run out on them this week, when that SEXY MAN Aaron Rodgers comes to town. Girl, that man could DISCOUNT DOUBLECHECK me all night long! Take the Packers to win this one!
St. Louis at Dallas: Oh, Tony Romo… you’re the opposite of fabulous! But you and your Cowboy mens are gonna win this week!
San Diego at Tennessee: Tennessee beat (what’s turned out to be a not very good) Pittsburgh team, then took the Texans to the limit. Maybe they’re better than people give them credit for? In any case, I think the TItans will win this one at home. The Chargers look better than I expected them to (“Yoo-Hooo! Antonio Gates! Simon’s lookin’ for yoooooouu!”) but they just don’t play as well on the east coast as they do on the left coast.
Cleveland at Minnesota: The Factory of Sadness takes a road trip this week, but the result is the same: the Vikings win.
Tampa Bay at New England: And, like lambs to the slaughter, the Buccaneers take the field. This probably won’t be the beatdown it could have been in years past, but Tom Terrific will get it going well enough to beat these jokers. Patriots win!
Arizona at New Orleans: “Imagine this, Drew Brees: you and me, alone on a beach with a giant pile of Central Grocery muffaletta sandwiches and a cooler full of ice-cold Dixie beer. Don’t say you don’t want that!”. Take the Saints to win the (Big) Easy game this week.
Detroit at Washington: Here’s Simon’s Upset of the Week™! The Motor City Kitties come to The Swamp and take one from RG3 and the ‘Skins. And RG3, if you need to cry afterwards, The Simon will hold you. Take the Lions in an upset!
New York Giants at Carolina: Oh boy! Sorry about this, Cam, but you’re going down again… and not on me! Take the G-Men over the Carolina Kitties this week!
Houston at Baltimore: Honestly, the Idiots from Bawlmerr haven’t shown me much this year. I see that sexy JJ Watt to come to town and FEAST… on ravens, not crab cakes! Take the handsome Texan mens to win this one!
Atlanta at Miami: So, Miami looked pretty good this week, and the Durty Birds aren’t quite the juggernaut everyone’s expected them to be so far. Still, I think the Falcons get a nice road trip – enjoy the beach, fellas! – and come away with the win.
Buffalo at New York Jets: Buffalo isn’t the whipping boy they’ve been the past few years. And you know what’ll be fun with this game? Watching Toe Sucker counting down the minutes until he’s fired! The Bills will take one from the Jets this week!
Indianapolis at San Francisco: Sorry, Andy.. you’re beautiful and all, but unless your boys have the defensive chops to do what Seattle did, you’re going to lose. Take the 49ers to bounce back with a win here, ladies!
Jacksonville at Seattle: This is a joke, right? Take the Seahawks!
Chicago at Pittsburgh: My daddy is a die-hard Steelers fan. His best bud is a die-hard Panthers fan. They’re both going to be members of the 0-3 Club after this week. Sorry guys – Da Bears will win this game, too. Oh well… at least daddy’s college team is doing really well so far! Go Jackets! I wonder what the score would be if this year’s Georgia Tech team played this year’s Steeler team? The Ramblin’ Wreck wins, 59-3!
Oakland at Denver: The guys at the NFL Scheduling Department really are jokers, aren’t they? Take the Broncos to win by 14+.