SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 5

SimonHey, y’all! Simon here! Well, the Football Feline went 10-5 last week, which is pretty good, and sets me up at 41-22 on the season so far. The Simon can make ONE rock-solid prediction this weekend: the Steelers WILL NOT lose… it’s their bye week! Hehehehe… sorry, Daddy! 

 


Buffalo at Cleveland:
Well, isn’t this surprising… The CLEVELAND BROWNS are tied for first in the AFC North! And how’s this… even though the Steelers are 0-4, they’re only 2 games out of first place! What a world! What’s Simon been telling you about the Bills, huh? Better than you thought, huh? Too bad they’re going to lose this weekend. Take the Browns to win on Thursday night, honey!

New Orleans at Chicago: The Aints aren’t nearly as good on the road as they are at home, and this one won’t be a runaway win for them… But I think ol’ Drew Brees and that handsome Marques Colston will come away with the win for the Saints!

New England at Cincinnati: HEEEEYYYY TOOOOOMMM! YOO-HOOOOO! SIMON’S LOOKING FOR YOOOOOUU! And Tom Terrific will be looking for a win against my kitty cousins… and he’ll get it, too. This may be one of the least overall talented New England teams in recent history… but all they do is win, baby! Take the Patriots to handle the Bungles easily!

Detroit at Green Bay: [insert joke about Calvin Johnson’s massive johnson here]. The Motor City KItties want to sneak a win at Lambeau. Ain’t gonna happen. Take the Packers to go, Pack, go this weekend!

Kansas City at Tennessee: Barbeque City versus Music City? Girl, you know Simon’s all about some tasty treats! Take the Chiefs to cook the Titans low and slow for 3-4 hours this Sunday afternoon! And then drench ’em in sauce!

Seattle at Indianapolis: There are a lot of religious people in Indianapolis. Which is good, because only Divine Intervention can save the Colts this week, baby! Take the Seahawks to fly away with this game, baby!

Jacksonville at St. Louis: Finally, a team St. Louis can beat! Take the Rams in a snoozer, baby!

Baltimore at Miami: Woo-wee! This is a TOUGH one, ladies! Baltimore, despite being reigning Super Bowl Champions, aren’t as good as you might think, and the Dolphins, despite sucking for two decades, are better than you might think. Simon thinks the Dolphins pull out the win, but it’ll be a close one!

Philadelphia at New York Giants: Oh Lord! Which one of these two stinky teams sucks less? The Iggles haven’t lived up to expectations, and the Steelers’ current (awful) O-line looks world class compared to the crap that the Giants are putting on the field this season. Simon just can’t choose! If pressed to choose, Simon would say to take the Eagles, although the best possible outcome would be for a giant sinkhole to open up and swallow both of these turkeys!

Carolina at Arizona: We’re gonna get stuck watching this crap game, aren’t we? Oh Gawd! Naptime for Simon is what it is! Take the Cardinals, although the Carolina Kitties might surprise you!

Denver at Dallas: Tony Romo will win! Bwahahahahaha!!! No, not really. Pey Pey and company will curb-stomp the Cowboys this week! Take the Broncos all day long, ladies!

Houston at San Francisco: And THIS is the Sunday night game? What, AMC just couldn’t wait a week to air the Breaking Bad finale this week? GO JESSE! Anyway, take Kapernick and the boys to win this one. Go 49ers!

San Diego at Oakland: Wait… there are TWO Sunday night games this week? Weird! Take the Chargers to win the actual game… and Chargers fans to score two stabbings of Oakland fans, while Oakland fans will score two broken beer bottles upside the heads of Charger fans! The only real winners here are Oakland’s EMS system!

New York Jets at Atlanta Falcons: What will be more interesting: watching the Falcons get revenge on AFC North team after losing to the Pats last week… or seeing what kind of new and inventive ways the Jets can come up with to fumble the ball this week? BUTTFUMBLE FOR LIFE, YO! Take the Falcons to win… and NOT buttfumble this week!

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