Hey, y’all! How ya’ll handsome mens and pretty ladies doin’ out there? Simon’s FABULOUS! I went 10-5 last week, making me 70-37 for the season! This weekend is full of favorites, so let’s see if I can get them all right! Paws crossed, y’all! Enjoy the picks!
Carolina at Tampa Bay: Pshaw, girls! This one won’t even be close! The Simon is almost certain that my Carolina Kitties will mop the deck with the Buccaneers! That sweet. sweet Cam Newton is a hunka hunka manmeat, and he’s going to make the Bucs look silly! Take the Panthers… better yet, let the Panthers take me! I’m awful!
Dallas at Detroit: This is the only game that truly worries me. I mean, The Simon is pretty certain that the Cowboys will win this one, but he’s not 100% sure of it. I mean, come on… Lions are wild and handsome, right? Yoo-hooo! Calvin? Calvin Joooohhhnnnsssoonnn?? Simon’s all about you, sexy man!
Cleveland at Kansas City: Man, has The Walrus gotten the Chiefs pumped up or what? Look for the Chiefs to scalp the Brownies and send them home whimpering!
Miami at New England: The Pats ain’t what they used to be… but they can handle the Fish! Look for Tom Terrific (sigh!) and the Patriots to bounce back with a win at home. ‘cos Miami can’t handle the cold weather!
Buffalo at New Orleans: It’s really, really, really hard… to beat the Saints to lose at home! And girl, Buffalo ain’t gonna be the team to do it! Take the Saints to the bank, baby!
New York Giants at Philadelphia: Yeah, the Giants won last night… in one of the worst NFL games ever! As “not good” as the Eagles have been this year, I think they take one from Eli and Company this week. So take the Eagles. I love birds!
San Francisco at Jacksonville: Seriously? Simon’s just going to go ahead and call very Jacksonville game a loss this year, OK? Take the 49ers, ladies!
New York Jets at Cincinnati: HAHAHAHA! This Sunday’s line-up is looking more and more like “Sunday Napday”! No way the Jets beat the Bengals at home!
Pittsburgh at Oakland: Oh boy! You’d think this one would be an easy pick, no? After all, on paper the Steelers are much better than the Raiders, and the Steel City Boys are coming off wins against the Jets and the Ravens (who are much better teams than the Jaguars, the source of one of Oakland’s two wins). But the Steelers have a hard time playing in Oakland (in fact, they’re 14-12 against Pittsburgh all-time in Oakland). Still, I think the Steelers have momentum while the Raiders do not. It might not be pretty, but I think Pittsburgh comes away with a win here.
Washington at Denver: Well, this should be fun! WHAT DID I TELL YOU LAST WEEK? Yeah, I said that the Broncos would beat the Colts… but I also said that the Broncos were vulnerable! Pey Pey lost out last week… but he won’t make the same mistake at home. Take the Broncos to win, baby!
Atlanta at Arizona: The Durty Birds still scare me – as in, they’re not nearly as good as they were last year – but I think they come away with the win here! Go Falcons!
Green Bay at Minnesota: The Purple People Eaters… will go hungry this week. Take that handsome AJ Hawk and the Packers to run roughshod over the Vikings!
Seattle at St. Louis: “And, like lambs to the slaughter, here come the St, Louis Rams!” Take the Seahawks all the way, honey!