Hey, y’all! Simon here! Wow! Did y’all SEE my main man Calvin Johnson last week in that game against Dallas? The man’s a BEAST! Not only is he HANDSOME, he’s redefining football! Well, Simon thought he might have hit it out of the park last week, but he only went 9-4, for a total of 79-41 on the season. TERRIBLE! Let’s see if I can do better this week!
Cincinnati at Miami: Well, piddley-poo! Simon doesn’t know who to pull for here! Y’all KNOW I love me some handsome South Beach mens, but the Bengals are my kitty cousins! Who to cheer for? I think the Bengals are just playing too well for the Fish to beat ’em, so go with the tIgers, ladies!
Kansas City at Buffalo: The Chiefs will roll in to Buffalo, have a few wings, and roll out with a victory for sure! Take the Chiefs big time, baby!
Minnesota at Dallas: Wow… that game with Dallas and Detroit was AMAZING, wasn’t it? All that sexy manflesh out there on the field, giving their all… and that handsome Matthew Stafford with the trick play at the very end! That was a game for the ages, girls! And this week, the Cowboys will have their revenge on the Viking mens!
Tennessee at St. Louis: Oh Lord… who cares? Take the Titans, maybe.
New Orleans at New York Jets: Y’all know the Saints are a much better home team than a road team, right? But I don’t think it matters this week. My secret lover Drew Brees will handle this, and the Saints will win one on the road!
San Diego at Washington: Historically, western teams play poorly on the east coast. Now this game might end up being closer than I’d like, but I think the Chargers come away with the win, But don’t be surprised if the West Coast Curse comes comes back to haunt me on this!
Atlanta at Carolina: Oh my! This is gonna be a beatdown… and the Durty Birds are gonna be the beatees, not the beaters! Cam and Company will run wild, and the Cardiac Cats defense is gonna lock down Matty Ice. Take the Panthers to win this one BIG TIME!
Philadelphia at Oakland: Philly isn’t as good as everyone thinks, and the Raiders are better than everyone thinks. Take the Raiders to win at home!
Tampa Bay at Seattle: Well, Seattle’s o-line could certainly use some work, but I think Russell Wilson and his skull-crackin’ thighs are safe for this weekend. Take the Seahawks to win!
Baltimore at Cleveland: Gross. Take the Ravens.
Pittsburgh at New England: Oh Lord… The Steelers have never been able to beat Tom Brady at home, even when Pittsburgh was a good team. Nowadays – when the Steelers would struggle against a Division III college team – this won’t be pretty. I picture New England jumping out to a 21-3 lead, and the Steelers closing the gap somewhat. The final score – something like 31-20 – won’t show how close this game never was. Take the Patriots to continue the Steelers’ humiliation.
Indianapolis at Houston: If it’s one thing the Colts don’t need, it’s Luck (see what I did there? hehehehe!!!) The Colts will win this one without breaking a sweat, ladies!
Chicago at Green Bay: Hey! Did y’all notice that the State Farm Discount Double Check guy is also the QB for the Packers! That’s WILD! He’ll also be the winner of this game too, when the Packers run all over da Bears! Take it to the bank, baby!