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GSU President Resigns; University Future Unclear

ATLANTA (API) – Embattled Georgia State University president Mark Becker, who agreed to a controversial “partnership” between Georgia Public Broadcasting and WRAS, the school’s student-run radio station, has resigned. According to Don Hale, the school’s vice-president of public relations, the resignation will take effect immediately.

At a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon, Becker announced that he would become the next president of Georgia Tech.

“The first thing I plan to do is sell off that silly car they drive around campus… the Wrecky Rambler? What do you call it? Anyway, my main man Bill Nigut collects old cars, and I think he’d like it,” Becker said.

“Then there’s that old whistle thing. I’ll give that to my pal Teya Ryan. It would make a great accent piece for T-Dog’s drawing room, plus she could use the whistle to summon ‘interns’ to bring her coffee or massage her feet,” Becker said, laughing.

When asked about his long-term plans for Georgia Tech, Becker had several suggestions.

“Well, there’s some kind of hot dog stand just across the interstate. I believe we could acquire the 6 acre site and turn it into a small stadium, which we could then lease to Georgia State at a usurious rate. After all, even a 3,000 seat stadium could fit Georgia State’s season ticket holders 8 times over.”

“We’re also looking into converting Bill Dodd Field into a Target. We feel students would benefit from an on-campus shopping experience, plus we could force students to work there for free under some kind of internship program.”

Becker became agitated when a reporter asked why the proposed Target store would be a franchise location owned by a holding company called Becker-Ryan Investments, LLC.

“Look, if you can think of a better way for me to acquire the massive amount of capital necessary to buy the High Museum so I can sell off all of Atlanta’s cultural treasures and turn that building into my personal residence, I’m all ears!”

When asked if he had any regrets about his time at Georgia State, Becker was wistful.

“I only wish I had come here years ago. I could have demolished useless music venues like the 588 Club, the Urbanplex and the Chambray Club. I could have turned them into some sort of corporate franchises that completely lack any local flavor. I could have stopped the Uptown Music Festival. I could have turned that Merry Mack’s restaurant into a Public Storage site. I could have even bought the Fellini’s Pizza chain and converted them into a quick service restaurant concept I’ve been working on called Uwe Boll’s House of Schweinskopfsülze. There are just… so many ways I could have destroyed Atlanta’s culture. It makes me sad to think about it.”

It wasn’t all sad news, though. Becker announced that his investment company had just completed the purchase of Fat Matt’s Rib Shack, an Atlanta institution.

“We’re going to close Fat Mike’s for a few weeks as we convert it to Skinny Mark’s Unflavored Gelatin Yurt. Atlantans are going to love it!”  

Becker’s press secretary later indicated that he is in talks with University of Georgia president Jere W. Morehead to purchase the legendary hedges at Sanford Stadium.

“Lord Becker says his front lawn is looking a bit ‘shabby’.