RIGHTING THE WRONGS: Van Halen and M&Ms

The 1980s were decadent times for rock stars. Stories of bad behavior by some of rock’s finest – from trashing hotel rooms to over-the-top demands – were splashed all over the headlines. And few of those stories were as famous as the “Van Halen M&Ms” story.

If you weren’t around in the 80s, the rock supergroup Van Halen had a clause in their concert contracts which stipulated that the band would be provided with one large bowl of M&M candies with all brown candies removed.

Once the “M&Ms” story leaked to the press, social commentators jumped all over it. Some called it an egregious example of the spoiled behavior of rock artists. Some saw it as yet another sign of the decline of Western Civilization. And to this very day, any time a story about a celebrity acting like a diva surfaces, my mom rolls her eyes, clucks her tongue, and asks if “she wants the brown M&Ms taken out of the bowl, too??”

Here’s the thing, though: the band put the “no brown M&Ms” clause in their contracts for a very good reason.

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Van Halen was one of the first rock bands to bring truly massive concerts to smaller cities like Macon, Georgia or Tempe, Arizona. Arena staff in smaller cities were used to bands coming to town with, at most, three tractor-trailers full of equipment. But Van Halen would roll into town with nine tractor-trailers. It was a lot of stuff, and staff at these venues were frequently overwhelmed. And when people are overwhelmed, they make mistakes. At a concert, “making a mistake” during setup can make the band sound bad or it can kill someone… which is exactly what the band was afraid of.

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At the heart of any major concert is the contract. Most of these contracts are standard legal text that varies little from performer to performer. In fact, if one were to take the core contract from a Katy Perry concert in Nevada and a Foo Fighters concert in Florida and switch the artist and state names, there’s little chance anyone would even notice.

Each band “customizes” their contracts by attaching specific demands via something called a “rider”. Each contract can have hundreds of such riders.

You’ve probably more familiar with the “outrageous” personal riders artists have included over the years. For example, Willie Nelson requires that all his shows be smoke-free (don’t ask about Willie’s own type of “smoke”). The Beach Boys demand several Bic lighters in the backstage area, but absolutely no green ones. Country group Alabama demands that NO ANIMALS OF ANY KIND be allowed backstage. Meanwhile, animal lover Paul McCartney not only bans leather furniture backstage, he’s also banned all types of synthetic leather as well. Madonna once requested some $200 French candles for her dressing room. And to the very end, Prince required that EVERYTHING in his dressing room be covered in plastic wrap (yes, really).

The thing is, although the nutty personal riders make headlines, the vast majority of riders are actually technical in nature. They’ll include the size and weight requirements for the stage, electrical and lighting needs, pyrotechnical needs, data and fiber optic cabling specifications, sound and video board requirements, office space requirements for tour personnel, minimum number of security personnel, etc. It’s like an instruction manual for a concert, only in legalese.  For instance, a rider might say something like

“Article 148: There will be fifteen amperage voltage sockets at twenty-foot spaces, spaced evenly, providing nineteen amperes total, on beams suspended from the ceiling of the venue, which shall be able to support a total gross weight of 5,600 pounds each, and be suspended no less than 30 feet, but no more than 37.5 feet, above the stage surface.”

Van Halen’s concert contracts would have several hundred such demands, causing lead singer David Lee Roth to joke that the band’s contracts were so thick they looked “like a Chinese Yellow Pages”.

The staff at large venues like New York’s Madison Square Garden and Atlanta’s The Omni were used to complex shows like Van Halen’s, so the band usually played there without incident. But the band kept noticing errors, sometimes significant errors, in the stage setup in smaller cities. The band needed a way to know that their contract had been read fully. And this is where the “no brown M&Ms” came in.

The band included a request for “a large bowl of M&M candies” with their backstage demands for typical things like Coca-Cola, whiskey, cigarettes and sandwiches. But, hidden deeply in the middle of the technical riders, the band added this clause:

“Article 126: There will be no brown M&M’s in the backstage area, upon pain of forfeiture of the show, with full compensation”.

That way, the band could simply enter the backstage area and look for a bowl of M&Ms. No brown M&Ms? Someone read the contract fully, so there were probably no major mistakes. A bowl of M&Ms with the brown candies? No bowl of M&Ms at all? Stop everyone and check every single thing, because someone didn’t bother to read the contract. Roth himself said:

“So, when I would walk backstage, if I saw a brown M&M in that bowl… well, line-check the entire production. Guaranteed you’re going to arrive at a technical error. They didn’t read the contract. Guaranteed you’d run into a problem. Sometimes it would threaten to just destroy the whole show. Something like, literally, life-threatening.”

The “no brown M&Ms” clause became a national news story after an “incident” at University of Southern Colorado (now Colorado State University-Pueblo). The national press told a story of unacceptable behavior from the band, and how they caused $85,000 worth of damage to the arena.

David Lee Roth remembers it a bit differently:

The folks in Pueblo, Colorado, at the university, took the contract rather kinda casual. They had one of these new rubberized bouncy basketball floorings in their arena. They hadn’t read the contract, and weren’t sure, really, about the weight of this production; this thing weighed like the business end of a 747.

I came backstage. I found some brown M&M’s, I went into full Shakespearean “What is this before me?” . . . you know, with the skull in one hand . . . and promptly trashed the dressing room. Dumped the buffet, kicked a hole in the door, twelve thousand dollars’ worth of fun.

The staging sank through their floor. They didn’t bother to look at the weight requirements or anything, and this sank through their new flooring and did eighty thousand dollars’ worth of damage to the arena floor. The whole thing had to be replaced. It came out in the press that I discovered brown M&M’s and did eighty-five thousand dollars’ worth of damage to the backstage area.

Well, who am I to get in the way of a good rumor?

SONGS I LOVE: “Melody of a Fallen Tree”

Marie Antoinette SoundtrackI don’t remember exactly how I came across the soundtrack to Sofia Coppola’s 2006 film Marie Antoinette. I do remember looking at the track list and thinking “OK, mostly 80s music, with some baroque pieces thrown in, as well as a few tunes by new bands… It’s worth a look!”

As it turned out, the soundtrack was mostly a bust. I, of course, already owned all the 80s songs on the 2-disc album, and thanks to a “baroque phase” from a few years ago, I’m pretty much “done” with the whole pre-1750 genre. Most of the songs by “new” bands were OK, but didn’t leave much of an impression on me… most of them that is, except “Melody of a Fallen Tree” by Austin, Texas based post-rock band Windsor for the Derby. It’s one of those rare tracks that I instantly fell in love with. I threw it on my iPod Shuffle and listened to it over and over while walking, doing the dishes, etc. But my favorite story involving the song had to do with my last trip to Isle of Palms, South Carolina:

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, and it was hot – not so hot that it’s not comfortable, but hot enough to remind you that you’re at the beach. Relief from the heat was provided by a constant, gentle breeze from the ocean. I was lying down on a beach towel with my back to the sand. I had my Shuffle on, but not so loud that I couldn’t hear the occasional roar of the surf or seagull overhead when the music hit a quiet point. I had been lying there for some time, and my iPod had worked its magic, randomly playing a whole bunch of tunes – mostly mellow tunes – that I wanted to hear.

You’re probably heard marijuana smokers talking about “zoning out” to a song; well, that’s exactly what I did when “Melody of a Fallen Tree” came on… only I was completely sober. I relaxed, then relaxed some more, then relaxed even more. I was completely awake and fully aware of my surroundings, yet I was so relaxed and calm that I almost feeling as if I were in a different state of existence. As the song played on, I felt my earthy cares fade away. I became fully aware of gravity pulling my back onto the sand. I could feel the existence of everything. There was everything yet nothing from the very tip of my nose, up through the sky, all the way to the very end of the Universe. I wasn’t simply a person on vacation on a beach, I was part of the everything that made up God’s creation. I felt the earth rotate through the aether, and it seemed to me that I should feel like I was on a roller coaster… but I was too calm to worry about it. I was too busy visualizing all of the uncounted trillions of atoms of everything that had made up not just me, not just the beach, not just the hotel… but all the atoms that made up Jupiter, Europa, Neptune and all the other planets outside our tiny galaxy. I saw how beautiful it was that that which made up which made the Sun and all the stars was the very same thing that made me me. Every part of me – every tiny little atom – was once nothing but dust floating through space. Though I was only 36 years old, the teeny, tiny bits of carbon that made me could have been spewed from a dying star billions of years ago and traveled across all the light years of the universe… just to make me me. And those tiny bits of carbon have been recycled over and over and over again. Perhaps one day, those bits of carbon would play a part in forming a mighty mountain. Perhaps they’d sit at the bottom of the sea for millions of years, until our Sun finally spent the last of its fuel and exploded, sending the parts of me back out into space, to float around for aeons… until those parts became someone else, somewhere else.

Right about that point – just when heaven and earth were merging into a perfectly beautiful synthesis of all things and nothing… Lisa tapped me on the shoulder.

“I’m hungry! We should get lunch.”

The beautiful moment I was enjoying – a moment that felt as if it could stretch out into infinity – suddenly came crashing down around me. I snapped at Lisa – not because I was mad at her, exactly, but because I had been ripped away from such a beautiful place. But then I thought.. “you know, a fried grouper sandwich would be good right now.”

And so I left that moment on the beach, where it will stay… forever and ever.

[audio:windsor.mp3]

This is… disturbing

OK, I know I’m late to the scene with this one… but man, there’s just something so disturbing about this video:

I don’t know if it’s just the subject matter, or the cheesy “special effects”, or how the video is one “music video cliché” after another… or whether it’s just Samwell himself. I don’t know, but I do know that this video just gives me the heebie jeebies for some reason!

Amy Winehouse: The Train Wreck Continues…

I don’t do those “celebrity death pool” things. But if I did, I’d move Amy Winehouse near the top of my list. The British singer once looked something like a slimmer Kim Kardashian but is now rail-thin… and we know exactly why that is!

The Brit tabloid The Sun recently snagged a home video of Winehouse where she: a) snorts Ecstasy off the corner of a credit card; b) snorts cocaine offered by a “friend”; c) smokes crack cocaine; d) admits to taking six valiums while smoking said crack; e) walks around her trendy apartment in a daze, oblivious to broken glass on the floor (she’s barefoot); f) ignores strangers walking around her apartment; and g) tells a friend that she not only can’t go out because the valium’s about to kick in, but that she had to be in court at 8am to support her husband (who was originally up on charges of assault, which have since been upgraded to conspiracy involving alleged witness tampering).

Look, I’m all for having fun, folks. Unlike The Sun, I don’t put the names of drugs in capital letters to make them more evil (“Winehouse was seeing taking COCAINE and the smoking CRACK before taking VALIUM!”). The truth of the matter is that most people can do a fair amount of drugs without damaging themselves. But come on! Amy Winehouse looks like a frightening mix of Auschwitz survivor and street walker. And all these drugs certainly aren’t helping her showmanship skills, either:

Watch clips from, and read all about, Amy’s new “drug tape” here.

RIGHTING THE WRONGS: “Jet Boy, Jet Girl”

Have you ever seen misinformation being spread over the Internet? The same incorrect story gets repeated over and over again, and there’s little you can do about it. Oh sure, you can “reply to all” when someone sends you one of those “Bill Gates will give you $500 for forwarding this email!” emails… but when you see blogs and “reputable” websites repeat the same false story all the time, there’s not much you can do… other than get your own website and try to set the story straight. This is what I want to do with the song “Jet Boy, Jet Girl”. There’s so much misinformation out there about this song, and the truth of it needs to be set free.

“Jey Boy, Jet Girl” is a song about a 15 year-old boy who has a sexual relationship with an older  boy, who then rejects him for a girl. It was originally released in October 1977 by a “band” called Elton Motello. I put “band” in quotes because the “band” was actually a bunch of session musicians and singer and songwriter Alan Ward, who also used “Elton Motello” as his stage name. Anyway, the song was a minor hit in the UK, but became much more famous after it was covered by the punk band The Damned. If you are familiar with the song at all, it is probably The Damned’s version that you know and (perhaps) love.

Shortly after the song was released in the UK, Belgian songwriter Roger Marie Francois Jouret hired Ward’s session musicians and formed a “band” called Plastic Bertram (like Ward, Jouret used his band name as his stage name). The musicians from Ward’s single played the same song as Bertrand sang some nonsense lyrics written by fellow Belgian Lou Deprijck (the song was deemed “too controversial” by RKM Publishing, the song’s producer, hence the “nonsense lyrics”). The result was “Ça plane pour moi”, a song that became an international hit. In the United States, “Ça plane pour moi” has been used in countless movies, most notably Eurotrip and National Lampoon’s European Vacation, as well as commercials (most notably, a recent campaign for Pepsi).

Here’s what you need to take away from this article:

  1. The song was originally recorded by Elton Motello.
  2. Although “Jey Boy, Jet Girl” owes its popularity to The Damned’s cover version, The Damned didn’t write the song, nor did they “translate” Plastic Bertrand’s version.
  3. Plastic Bertrand’s version is basically a cover. The publishing company feared that the song might get banned if the lyrics were translated directly into French, so Bertrand had a friend write a bunch of gibberish instead.

Consider the wrongs to be righted. Tomorrow: McDonald’s apple pies!

Awesome Sex Pistols video!

Check out this awesome news clip about the Sex Pistols from NBC’s Today Show. It was filmed on or around January 5, 1978 in Atlanta… the date of the Pistols first show on their American tour. The sarcasm of the reporters is absolutely stunning; you’d never see reporting this slanted in the news today. The clip is pretty long (7:28), but it’s worth it, I swear!

A couple of other points:

1) This show happened just over 30 years ago. In fact, had I posted this just three days ago, I would have hit the anniversary exactly.

2) Access Atlanta has a cool write up about the show here.

3) The linked article quotes Atlanta music legend Jeff Calder. Jeff owns Wax N Facts Records in Little 5 Points and is also in the legendary Atlanta band Swimming Pool Qs. I gave Jeff lots of money when I was a young hipster.

4) Jeff is also working with my MySpace buddy Lisa King on her new music CD. You can visit Lisa’s band’s site by clicking here.

5) I got the link for the video (which spawned everything you’ve read in this post) from this site… which is written by a guy that hosts a show on WREK and lives in… Duluth, Georgia. The world really is a small place.

6) James Bolton was right… Jane Pauley was hot back in the day.

Shane McGowan is BEAUTIFUL!

You remember Shane McGowan, right? Lead singer of The Pogues… sings that “Fairytale of New York” tune which is quite popular this time of year… one of Kate Moss’ good friends? You know – THAT guy? We always knew he was a drunk and not very attractive to begin with, but MY GOD has this man gone downhill or what?

Shane McGowan

And what’s with his teeth?

Shane McGowan’s Teeth

Shiver.

R.I.P. Kirsty!

British singer Kirsty MacColl died seven years ago today. Some say she died in a tragic accident; others say that she was murdered. Read the section on her death at Wikipedia and decide for yourself.

In any case, the world lost an incredible talent that day. MacColl’s hits included the rockabilly romp “There’s A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He’s Elvis”, the 60s inspired “They Don’t Know” (made popular in the U.S by Tracey Ullman’s cover), her enchanting cover of Billy Bragg’s “A New England”, and, of course, her single “Fairytale of New York” with The Pogues – which has topped VH-1 UK’s “Greatest Christmas Song” chart three years in a row. The song also came in at number 1 in The Hits “The Nations Favourite Christmas Song” countdown in the UK, number 11 in Channel 4’s “100 Greatest Christmas Moments”, Number 27 on VH-1 UK’s “Greatest Songs Never To Make Number One”, number 23 on VH-1 UK’s “Greatest Lyrics” list, Number 83 in Q Magazines “100 Greatest Ever Songs”, and number 84 on BBC Radio 2’s “Top 100 Greatest Songs of All Time” poll.

You are missed, Kirsty!

Kirsty MacColl