Hey, y’all! Simon here! Can you believe it? It’s time for a new season of handsome, sweaty NFL mens and their skullcrackin’ thighs live on my TV set! PRAISE BE, GIRL! The Simon was 177-89 last year… let’s see if I can do EVER BETTER this year. You ready? Let’s go!
Baltimore at Denver: With Ray Ray (and half the defense, and most of the receivers) gone, and Joe Flaccid’s unibrow under control, the Ratbirds just don’t seem to be the threat they were last year. That handsome Peyton Manning’s looking ageless as always. Simon says take the Broncos in this game!
New England at Buffalo: The best part of football coming back is having Tom Terrific on my TV set! He’s SO DREAMY! One wonders who Tom’s going to throw the ball to, however. Still, the Bills are awful as always, and Simon says the Patriots could sleepwalk through this game and win!
Cincinnati at Chicago: Which ugly Midwestern town will win this game? Who cares? Cincy has that weird cinnamon chili, while Chicago has those awful hot dogs! Blech! I’ll hold my nose and pick the Bears to win this one, but that doesn’t have to mean I like it!
Miami at Cleveland: My boys from South Beach are going to the Mistake by the Lake to take on the Brownies. Handsome former Steelers Mike Wallace should have a field day against the Browns who will, one again, suck (and not in the good way!) Put your money on the Dolphins and their hideous new logos!) on this one, girls!
Minnesota at Detroit: Those handsome Viking mens are going to take their rape and pillage show on the road against the puuuuufect Lions. And The Simon is pretty sure that the Lions will take this one!
Oakland at Indianapolis: Yawn. The Bay Area’s second football team travels to the whitest whitebread town in America… and loses. I’m almost certain the Colts win this one, baby!
Atlanta at New Orleans: I love me some Duuuurrrtttttyyy Buuuuurrrds, but we all know the Falcons have a hard time winning against Saint Breesus in The Big Stink. Simon’s going to pull for Matt Ryan and company, but thinks that the Saints will win this one (although he’d love to be proven wrong!)
Tampa Bay at New York Jets: Oh My Gawd! The NFC’s South’s least impressive team goes to New Jersey to take on the disaster that is the Jets! I’m pretty sure the Bucs are gonna win this one… became, at this point, my local high school could beat the Jets!
Tennessee at Pittsburgh: Come on now… You don’t even have to read this one, do you? A mediocre Titans team travels to Pittsburgh to take on my daddy’s Mens of Steel? I honestly don’t know how the Steelers are going to look this season, but I know they’re hard to beat in season openers, and almost impossible to beat in season openers at home. Take the Steelers to win this one easily… and for Antonio Brown to be the most handsome man on the football field!
Seattle at Carolina: I’m sorry Charlotte fans.. but you guys are going to lose your home opener against Seattle. But tell me which bar you’ll be at after the game, and Simon will give you a backrub while you cry into your beer! Take the Seahawks all the way on this one, ladies!
Kansas City at Jacksonville: Two previously awful teams, possibly on the rise. Simon hasn’t kept up with how they’re doing on the field… but he likes barbeque much more than he likes… whatever food it is the people eat in Jacksonville, so he’ll go with the Chiefs to win this one!
Arizona at St. Louis: Two more teams no one cares about! The Simon did see the Rams in preseason, and they looked pretty good… so he’ll go with them to win against the Jax Kitties!
Green Bay at San Francisco: Two cities known for being overrun with homosexuals… only the mens in San Francisco (soon to be Santa Clara) are much better looking! That dolt Aaron Rogers will have a respectable day, but the hawt 49ers (hawt in more ways than one, sistah!) will take this one!
New Your Giants at Dallas: Another battle of the NFC Least! Part of me wants to say “Tony Romo comes out and looks great, leading Cowboys fans to once again dream of the Super Bowl, only to have their dreams crushed (as always) in December”. But I think the Giants will take care of business in D-Town!
Philadelphia at Washington: There’s gonna be a lotta hype around this game, girls. Like the Cowboys fans, Eagles fans will again dream of the Super Bowl, only to have their hopes crushed by Week 5. Washington fans are similar, but at least they have the personnel to back it up this year… although my daddy says God won’t let Dan Snyder win the Lombardi Trophy ever. Take the Redskins to win this one!
Houston at San Diego: Come on now! Ain’t no way those handsome cowboy mens lose this one to the disaster that is the Chargers! Start crying now, Philip Rivers, ‘cos it’s gonna be a long season for you. Take the Texans to win big!