Category: Sports

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Man, my daddy was all kinds of angry after that Steelers\Ravens game! And who could blame him? How could the Steelers’ D let the Ravens go 92 yards at the end of the game? Oh well. I went 7-7 last week, for a total of 32-21 for the season. Let’s see if I can come up with a better than winning record this week!

Oakland at San Diego: Ya’ll ever notice that Philip Rivers looks like a penis with ears? Simon sure has! As much as I’d like to see those sexy mens in black and silver come away with a victory, I think the Chargers win this game.

Atlanta at New Orleans: Oh my! The oldest, fiercest rivalry in the Southern wing of the NFL! My handsome Matty Lite and Latin lover Tony Gonzalez going up against Drew Breesus and that sexy Pierre Thomas! I do believe I might pass out in anticipation! Lord, please… someone catch me! [falls to the floor with a smile on his face] I’m sorry! Where was I? Oh yes – Atlanta and New Orleans… all those sweaty, sexy mens… It’s like a Saturday night at Mugzey’s! Anyway, as much as I like those Dirty Birds, the ‘Aints have been unstoppable at home this season! Pick the Saints with this one, although it should be one sexy, close game, honey!

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: I’m not going to make Daddy mad by picking the Bungles here, but I will say this: the “good Steelers” will have to show up to win this game. Those outlaws from the other Queen City may actually be for real this year, and the Steelers can’t take them lightly. If Large Benjamin throws a pick too many, or if the Steelers D lets the Bungles back in the game… it could get ugly. I’m taking the Steelers, but I’m not at all confident about it.

St. Louis at Cleveland: Every week there’s one stinker of a game, and this is this week’s version. Colt McCoy is a big, ugly doofus… almost uglier than the Browns’ awful excuse for a defense. And the less said about the Rams and Sam Bradford the better. I’m taking the Browns, but the one way we could all win is if a freak lake-based tsunami were to consume Cleveland Browns Stadium and everyone in it!

Continue reading “Simon’s Picks – Week 10”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 9-4 last week, for a total of 25-14 on the season. Who knew the Rams would beat the Saints? I’m glad to have missed one of those games though: I picked New England over Pittsburgh, and when the boys from Steel City won my daddy jumped up and down and hollered like a mad man! It made me happy to see him happy! Let’s see what we have this week!

New York Jets at Buffalo: You know it’s a strange world when Buffalo is sharing the lead in the AFC East with New England! I tell you what though, I wouldn’t mind playing a few rounds of “Simon Says” with that handsome Ryan Fitzpatrick! Talk about ball control! OH SNAP! Now, ya’ll know I love my sexy Latin mens, but Duuurty Sanchez just won’t be take to beat Buffalo at home this year! Take the Bills in this game, honey!

Seattle at Dallas: That poor Tony Romo. The little boy tries so hard to be a great quarterback, yet he throws picks at exactly the wrong time… or muffs the snap or handoff. That’s OK, though. After the spankin’ the Philly Birds gave them last week, the ‘Boys will be out for blood… and the Sea Chickens will be able to provide it for them! Look for Romo to throw his balls wherever, and the sexy duo of Miles Austin and Jason Witten will “rise to the occasion”, if you know what I mean. The Cowboys will win this one easily!

Atlanta at Indianapolis: Speakin’ of sexy Latin mens, you know who’s gonna run all over the hapless Colts this week? That Dominican Adonis, Tony Gonzalez, that’s who! That lil’ tight end is gonna be all over the field, as well my lil’ cup o’ hot chocolate Michael Turner. Watch the Falcons run up the score… and the Dolts remain winless after this game.

Miami at Kansas City: Well, as ya’ll know, Miami is my favorite team, thanks to those sexy costumes! But they’re just not that good this year. To be fair, no one thought much of the Chiefs, either… at least I didn’t until Monday night, when my lil’ lover Matt Cassel hung in there and stole a win away from those awful Chargers! In a normal year, I’d pick the Dolphins. But this year I’m going with the Chiefs!

Continue reading “Simon’s Picks – Week 9”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here again! What a WILD weekend for the NFL! My daddy’s still jumping up and down about how the Jags beat the Ravens, and the Football Feline is still trying to figure out how Cleveland had 298 yards of total offense and had the ball for 42:56 but only managed 6 points! Your favorite kitty went 7-6 last week, for a total of 16-10. Let’s see if I can do a little better this week!

Colts at Titans: Wow… what more can you say about the Colts? Without my handsome Peyton Manning, they’re as limp as Jimmy Johnson without his ExtenZe! Even though the Titans have had their own troubles with getting it up, I think they’ll be able to handle the Colts easily. Take Tennessee for the win!

Saints at Rams: Ummmm-umm-ummmmm! Girl, that hawt Drew Brees just threw the Colts down on the floor and had his way with them on Sunday, didn’t he? His strong, sexy arms just flung that pigskin anywhere he wanted, and he had someone there to receive that hot load every time, didn’t he? Whew! Simon’s getting a bit overheated! [Simon fans himself and sips an appletini]. OK, girls, the Rams are gonna get their cute tight-ends rammed relentlessly this weekend! Take New Orleans to easily walk away with this one!

Dolphins at Giants: Poor Dolphins! Such pretty costumes, and such lovely mens… but what an awful football team! Simon sincerely wants the pretty boys in aqua and coral to win a game, but the Football Feline is pretty sure the Giants are gonna slap them around like a back-alley rent boy this week! Take New York to win this one at home!

Vikings at Panthers: My handsome Cam Newton really looked good last week, didn’t he? And lemme tell you girls, nothin’ gets me more excited that seein’ Steve Smith getting a few catches and getting pumped up and into a groove! Steve, I can pump you up and get you into my groove any ol’ time! Anyway, although the Vikings have the second best costumes in football (next to my ‘Fins, that is) and although I loooove their mascot (who wouldn’t want to be ravaged by 53 sexy Vikings?), I’m going to go with my hometown kitties on this one! The Carolina Cats looked pretty good against this ‘Skins, so my pick on this one is Carolina.

Continue reading “Simon’s Picks – Week 8”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here again! It’s Wednesday morning and I’m here at the house, sipping a MANMOSA and looking over last week’s picks. I went 9-4, which is pretty good for a lil’ ol’ ‘kitty! Too bad the boys from San Fran and Philly won – by all rights I should have been 11-2 last week! But that’s all water under the bridge, honey! Let’s see if I can do even better this week!

Seahawks at Browns: Everything about the Cleveland Browns is just horrible! Their awful colors, their boring costumes, the lack of a logo, that silly fan area known as the Dawg Pound (dogs are sooo yucky!), the fact that they’re in Cleveland… It’s all so positively awful. Terrible. So not fabulous. But you know what? Those boys from the Prune City are gonna have their way with those latte sippin’ sea-chickens from Seattle. Take Cleveland on this one, baby!

Falcons at Lions: Ya’ll might know that my daddy is from Atlanta. Ya’ll might not know that the Falcons are his #2 team. Daddy once said that he wanted members of the Atlanta Falcons to be pallbearers at his funeral, “so they can let me down one last time”. Daddy can be so funny sometimes. But he’s right. The Falcons are flying high after their big win against my hometown kitties last week. But that hot defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is gonna feast on bird this week, while sexy Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson are gonna hook up in my dreams on the field for big scores, girls! Take Detroit by at least ten points!

Texans at Titans: I don’t like nicknames like “Titans”. Simon knows what a big, sexy, strappin’, swaggerin’, cowboy hat wearin’ Texan is… but just what the heck is a “Titan”? Is Tennessee gonna put Cornelius Vanderbilt on the field on Sunday? Some old Greek warriors in those sexy skirts? I don’t know, so that’s why I’m going with Houston for this game. Well, that and the fact that those yummy Texans will be out for blood after losing to those awful ratbirds from Balwmer last week!

Broncos at Dolphins: Oh my gawd! This game is totally like two fat girls fighting over the last slice of pie: sure, someone will win, but in the end they’re both losers! Simon would love to pull for the Dolphins, as they have the best colors and costumes of any football team anywhere. Plus, Miami is just fabulous no matter which way you look at it! After all, they don’t have sexy mens on South Beach in Denver, do they? But the Football Feline is pretty sure that cute lil’ Tim Tebow will be able to pull out a win against the flailing fish this week. Pick Denver, even if you have to hold your nose while doing it!

Continue reading “Simon’s Picks – Week 7”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I’m not much of a football fan, but my daddy loves the game so most Sundays I watch those handsome, sweaty mens on the TV… and let me tell you something: I know fabulous, so here are my picks for week 6!

Panthers at Falcons: You’d think I’d pull for my hometown kitties, wouldn’t you? After all, they’ve got that young, sexy stud Cam Newton… and that Steve Smith, who I know from personal experience has some talented hands! But I tell you what: the Birds are still smartin’ from that bare bottom spankin’ Aaron Rogers gave them on Sunday, and they’ll be out for revenge. I like Atlanta, although the Kitties will make it interesting.

Colts at Bengals: Now here are some kitties I can get behind! Without that handsome Peyton Manning, the Colts just don’t have the ju-ju to get it done, girlfriend! I normally don’t care for redheads, but that sexy Bengals rookie Andy Dalton will surely get it done this week! I take Cincinnati, big time!

49ers at Lions: Now, you know I should pull for the 49ers, because they’re from my emotional home town… And the boys from Fog City have not only looked fabulous this year, they’ve actually played pretty well, too. But my feline intuition tells me to stick with those handsome tom cats from Detroit. Matthew Stafford’s strong, manly arms and Calvin Johnson’s skull-crackin’ thighs will make mincemeat outta those boys from San Fran. Detroit will win this one, honey!

Rams at Packers: Giiiirrrrlll, lemme tell you about Clay Matthews. That masculine jaw… that chiseled chest… that long, flowing blond hair… Mmmmm-mmm-mmmm! Now, where was I? Oh yes, the pick. Well, if it were just about which makes the better gay double entendre, you’d have a tough time picking between the Rams and the Packers. Thankfully it’s not: go with Green Bay all the way, baby!

Bills at Giants: I have a confession to make: for a long time, I had no idea who “Bill” was, and why they named a football team after him. Then Daddy explained that there was this guy named “Buffalo Bill” and people in Buffalo thought it would be funny to name their team after him! Humans are weird. But in this battle of red, white and blue, I’m going for Buffalo to beat Rachel Maddow’s team! [Author’s note: Daddy has just informed me that a guy named Eli Manning, not Rachel Maddow, is the quarterback for the Giants.]

Jaguars at Steelers: Now, I normally would pick the kitties, since they’re my cousins and all. But since they’re playing my daddy’s team, I’ll have to pick Pittsburgh if I wanna get walkies this week. And besides, as Longines and Pepper would say, “nothin’ good ever came outta Jacksonville, honey!”

Continue reading “Simon’s Picks – Week 6”

This season (if it happens!) marks the ten-year anniversary of the AFC North. The division was created in 2002 when the Houston Texas entered the league, and all conferences were divided up into four divisions of four teams each. There was never any doubt that Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Cincinnati would land in the new AFC North, but there was a time when it seemed like Baltimore might end up in the AFC South with Jacksonville, Tennessee and Indianapolis. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, and thus one of football’s best rivalries is the twice-yearly battle between the Steelers and the Ravens.

Here’s a few fun facts about the AFC North:

– In the 153 weeks of its existence, the Steelers have been in first place the most: 56 weeks (38% of the time). The division lead has been tied 44 weeks, an amazing 29% of the time. The Ravens have had the lead for 28 weeks (18%), the Bungles have had the lead 20 weeks (13%) and the lowly Browns have had the lead for just 3 weeks (2%).

– Every AFC North division winner has had 10 wins or more per year.

– Only once have three of the four teams held first place in the same year. In 2002, the Browns were in first place in weeks 2-4. The Ravens took the lead in week 5. There was a tie in weeks 6 and 7. In week 8, the Steelers took over the lead for the rest of the season.

– Three of the division’s ten crowns were decided by a tie-breaker.

– In the division’s first six years, the division winner was the only team to advance to the playoffs in four seasons (Cleveland got a wild-card in 2002, Pittsburgh in 2005). But in the last three seasons, two AFC North teams have advanced to the playoffs.

– Congratulations Pittsburgh! Not only do you guys have the best local ratings of any NFL team and the most female fans of any NFL team, you guys also officially have the best local ratings in the NHL! Pittsburgh might be the NHL’s 22nd largest market, but the total number of average viewers per game – 101,000 homes – crushes larger cities like Chicago (96,000 homes) and Boston (77,000 homes).

– If Pittsburgh is the highest rated NHL market, who is the worst? Miami. Despite south Florida being home to millions of transplanted Yankees, the average Florida Panthers game is watched by a pitiful 3,000 homes. The Atlanta Thrashers come in next to last, with a paltry 6,000 homes per game… which amuses me greatly. I’ve never forgiven the Thrashers for running the Atlanta Knights out of town, and to me this is just karma being a bitch.

– More sports ratings news: the Charlotte Bobcats drew an average of 12,000 households viewers per game. It’s astonishing to think that there might actually be fewer people watching Bobcats games at home than could actually fit inside the arena! However, although the Cats have the fewest total viewers, they only come in third to last in actual ratings: the Clippers and Nets actually have lower ratings than the Bobcats.

– In the United States, most sports leagues strive for “parity”. This means that, among other things, revenues are shared equally between big market and small market teams and that player drafts are structured in a “worst to first” format that gives bad teams a leg up. The Europeans don’t give a shit about any of that. The continent that gave us socialized medicine, paid maternity leave, the 35-hour workweek and human rights courts is strangely hyper-capitalistic when it comes to their football (soccer) clubs. As a result, the Portuguese league title has been won by either Benfica or Porto for the past 8 years. Scotland’s national title has gone to either Rangers or Celtic over the same time frame. In England, all but one Premier League title has been won by either Manchester United, Arsenal, or Chelsea since the league was founded in 1992. And in Spain, either Real Madrid or F.C. Barcelona has won the title every year for the past 51 years. Here’s an interesting article from Slate about how America’s sports leagues create great games and how Europe’s leagues create great plays. Click the link, read up, and decide which is better.

– Lastly… ummm… uhhhhh… you, uh, might know that long distance runners often have… bowel problems while, uh, running great distances. If you know that, you probably don’t want to look at this picture. Seriously… why do people do this to themselves?