Author: simon

Hey, y’all! Simon here! So… this is it, huh? The hour is almost upon us: SUPER BOWL XLVIII! Hard to believe the season is over so quickly… Time flies when you’re almost 8 years old! I finished the season (and playoffs) at 166-99… let’s see if I can keep the losses in double-digits this weekend! I love y’all and hope you have a GREAT off-season!

 

SUPER BOWL XLVIII – Seattle Seahawks at Denver Broncos: Well, this should be a heck of a battle, huh? This is the first time that a #1 offense has net a #1 defense in the Super Bowl. Ever! Denver is averaging an amazing 37.9 points per game (PPG), almost 15 points higher than the league average. On the other hand, Seattle is allowing only 14.4 points per game, which is 9 points lower than the league average. The difference – 23.4 PPG – is the largest for any Super Bowl… by far. But enough with all the numbers higgeldy-giggledy… who’s going to actually win this thing?

Simon’s money is on the Broncos. Yes, the Seahawks have a great defense that’ll keep the game fairly close. If it were a shootout, the Broncos would have the definite edge, and I think Denver’s defense is “just good enough” to keep Seattle in check. Don’t get me wrong – Seattle’s offense is pretty good – and that Russell Wilson is ABOUT HANDSOME, am I right ladies? – but when it comes to Super Bowls, age and experience matter, and Pey Pey has that in spades. Like, a LOT (in case you missed it, Peyton is almost 13 years older than Russell Wilson). And now that Simon’s close to the 8 year mark, he’ll go with experience over raw beauty (although WHAT BEAUTY it is!). Also, daddy sez I have to pull for Denver because Demaryius Thomas went to Georgia Tech. Hey, he’s also handsome! WHY DON’T YOU COME SAY HEY TO SIMON, DEMARYIUS?

I hope y’all had fun reading the picks this year! The Simon is going to bone up – wink! wink! – on some football during the offseason, and promises to do EVEN BETTER next year!

Love y’all!

XOXOXOXOXO

– The Simon!

Hey, y’all! Simon here! Wow… after going 0-4 on Wild Card weekend, I went 3-1 last week! And that one loss makes me SO SAD! Poor Cam! Poor Panthers! My hometown kitties put in a great fight, but it just wasn’t enough to beat the 49ers! Come to my house Cam… I’ll comfort you! Anyway, here are the picks for CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND! 

 

New England at Denver: Well, well… here’s another round of Brady vs, Manning! This game should be AWESOME! Now, conventional wisdom says that the Broncos should win this game. And they may very well do that. But you can’t ever underestimate the Patriots! Here’s something to think about: as of now, the Patriots are 4½ point underdogs in this game. Not including this game, the Pats have been 4+ points underdogs only 7 times since 2002… and they’re 5-2 in those games (and one of those losses happened in 2009 against Houston, when the Pats had already secured a spot in the playoffs and Belichick rested most of the starters). So, really, the Pats are 5-1 in games in which they are 4+ point dogs, and the one loss was against the Raiders all the way back in 2002. Sure, the Broncos might seem unbeatable at times. But the Chargers took them to the brink. This will be a close game, but I think the Patriots will win. And Tom Terrific will look fabulous doing so! Right, ladies?  

San Francisco at Seattle: Simon just doesn’t know what to think about this game. You’d think he’d pull for the 49ers (Goooooooo boyyyyssss!). But he just doesn’t like that big ol’ doofus Colin Kaepernick (learn how to wear a hat properly, dummy!) And, of course, The Simon is not a big fan of Seattle, whose fans are STILL wining about the officiating in Super Bowl XL. So what to do? The line is anywhere from 2½ to 3½ in favor of Seattle, mostly because they’re the home team, and damn if that’s a hard place to play. I expect the home crowd to be JACKED UP for the game, and I think that will be Seattle’s (tiny) edge. It will be close. It’ll be very close. But I think the Seahawks are going to the Super Bowl!

Hey, y’all! Simon here! Wellllll… do I have egg on my face or what? The Simon went 0-4 on Wild Card weekend… I haven’t been shut out like that since one time I went to a biker bar!

Let’s see if ol’ Simon can do better this weekend! 

 

New Orleans at Seattle: Simon was sure that New Orleans would stink it up on the road… and – of course – they played like champs! Not sure about this weekend, though. The Saints still aren’t a good road team, and they’re headed into one of the toughest venues in all of football. And they’re gonna have to go against that handsome Russell Wilson, too! Eeeek! The Simon thinks the Seahawks will win, but it’ll be close.

Indianapolis at New England: I keep thinking about how weak this Patriots team looks, but they just keep winning and winning! And no one in football knows how to win big games better than Tom Terrific and Emperor Palpatine Bill Belichick. The Colts might make it a game, but I think the Patriots win in the end.

San Francisco at Carolina: OMG, girl! Are you excited? I KNOW I am! My HOMETOWN Carolina Kitties are gonna take on the 49ers and that big doofus Colin Kaepernick… and win! At least I hope so. The Cardiac Cats beat them once already this season, and knowing them it’ll come down to the last minute. But I hope, hope, hope my main man Cam is able to pull out a win for the Panthers! Y’all know I’ll be drinking a cup of steamin’ hot chocolate in his honor this Sunday!

San Diego at Denver: Y’all wanna know something amazing? These two teams have played each other over a hundred times… but have never faced each other in the playoffs! That’s wild! We all know the Broncos can be vulnerable, but I think Mr Forehead Pey Pey will lead the team to victory this week, setting up another Manning-Brady rematch for the ages! So take the Broncos to win this one, baby!

Fingers crossed I do better this week! Love y’all!

XOXOXOXOXO

– The Simon

Hey, y’all! Sorry these picks are so late! I’ve been busy, busy the past few days napping and well… you know how it is! Simon knocked it out of the park last week, going 14-2. That’s 162-93 for the season, which isn’t too shabby! But Wildcard Weekend is upon us, and with how WILD the NFL has been this season, who knows? I’ll do my best to pick those winners, however! Enjoy the picks!

 

Kansas City at Indianapolis: Well, this one is confusing! Both teams ended the regular season at 11-5, and in The Simon’s opinion, Kansas City has looked better overall than the Colts. And the Chiefs even almost beat the Chargers last week with mostly second and third stringers. But while I’m wanting to pick Kansas City, I can’t help but remember that the Chiefs also went 1-5 against teams with winning records this year. WHAT DO I DO? I think I’ll pick a team based on how fabulous their uniforms are. BUT DANGIT… they’re both so boring! Kansas City… red and boring. Indianapolis… blue and boring. So let’s decide the game based on who has the cutest quarterback! Andrew Luck sure can be cute at times… but can also look like a dumb jock, too. Alex Smith is also a dumb jock, but is slightly more handsome. So I’m picking the Chiefs!

New Orleans at Philadelphia: OK, this one’s a little bit easier. If the Saints were playing at home, it would be a no-brainer to pick them to win. But while the Saints were a perfect 8-0 at home this year, they were also a middling 3-5 on the road. And the Saints are a dome team… playing in 20F weather! There will be an estimated two to three million pounds of snow at the Linc before the game. Sure, Drew Brees is handsome, and has plenty of experience in winning the big games… but I just think Mother Nature (and Nick Foles) will lead the Eagles to victory. But it could be close.

San Diego at Cincinnati: This will be the least interesting game of the playoffs. Sure, Philip Rivers knows how to win, and the Chargers have won four in a row. But the Bengals just have too much talent overall, especially on defense. I think this is the closest thing to a “lock” in the playoffs!

San Francisco at Green Bay: Now THIS should be a game, girls! Sunday’s high temperature is expected to be 3F in Green Bay, and by kickoff, the mercury should be at a bitterly cold -2F… and that’s not including wind chill! The Packers will be handing out free handwarmers and will be giving away free coffee and hot chocolate during the game… but boy will it be HOT on the field! That handsome Aaron Rodgers is back, baby, and he’s playing on his own turf. Most money is on San Francisco in this game, but I think the Packers will win by virtue of surviving in Green Bay.

Enjoy the picks, y’all! See ya next week!

XOXOXOX

– The Simon

Hey hey hey, y’all! Simon here! Hope everybody had a Merry Christmas! Simon rocked a 10-6 last week, for a season total of 148-91. But I’m feelin’ GOOD about this week’s picks! Lets’ see if I can hit ’em out of the park, y’all! 

 

 

Carolina at Atlanta: Cam Newton is gonna make it rain dollah dollah bills at the Georgia Dome, y’all! And the Panthers’ defense will keep the pedal to the metal, squashing the Durty Burds all over the pavement, yo! Ain’t gotta be a football genius like me to see that the Panthers will win this one!

Baltimore at Cincinnati: It’s a bad week to be a bird, and a good week to be a kitty, you guys! Those poor ratbirds (hehehe!) ain’t that good on the road, and those big, bad Tigers are gonna FEAST on bird this week! Take the Bengals, kids!

Houston at Tennessee: A challenging game between two Southern teams no one cares about, and who have no hope of going to the playoffs! Woo-wee! FUN! Take the Titans. Better yet, take a whiskey and a Valium and enjoy your nap!

Jacksonville at Indianapolis: Speaking of snoozers… Take the Colts to win this one. If you’re one of the markets that has this game, consider taking a walk instead, or take your friends out to brunch!

New York Jets at Miami: Could this be Rexie’s last game as head coach of the Jets? Let’s hope not: that gross toe-sucker is just too inadvertently amusing. Rex leaving would leave sports writers feeling like late night talk show hosts after GWB left office…. a big, gaping void. The game?  Oh yeah… Take the Dolphins.

Detroit at Minnesota: It’s MOTOR CITY versus… Cheese City? The City With a Lot of Nice People But Not a Much Else? Swedish City? Who knows. Hopefully the Lions will keep the Week of the Cat™ going and pull out a win against the sexy (but hapless) Vikings!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 17”

Well hey, y’all! Simon here! Oh my! Jingle-Jingle Time is almost here, and I’m SO BUSY! I didn’t have time to write out my full commentary for this week’s games! So I’ll just give you the picks! I went 8-8 last week, and am 138-85 this season. Is The Simon losing his touch? Enjoy the picks, and have a HO-HO-HO-Holiday! Love y’all!

 

Miami at Buffalo: Dolphins

Minnesota at Cincinnati: Bengals

Indianapolis at Kansas City: Chiefs

Tampa Bay at St. Louis: Rams

New York Jets at Cleveland: Browns

Dallas at Washington: Cowboys

New Orleans at Carolina: PANTHERS!

Tennessee at Jacksonville: Titans

Denver at Houston: Broncos

New York Giants at Detroit: Lions

Arizona at Seattle: Seahawks

Pittsburgh at Green Bay: Packers

Oakland at San Diego: Chargers

New England at Baltimore: Patriots

Chicago at Philadelphia: Eagles

Atlanta at San Francisco: 49ers

 

Merry Christmas, y’all!

XOXOXO

– Simon

 

Hey, y’all! Simon here! Wow… Was Week 14 WILD or what? There were 104 touchdowns scored last week – a new NFL record! It’s like defense doesn’t exist any more in the NFL… or at least Pittsburgh! And speaking of wild, my main main Antonio Brown was a couple inches away from a WILD finish of his own! I went 11-5 last week, same as the week before, making me 130-77 for the season. 

 

San Diego at Denver: For once, an interesting Thursday night game! I don’t know if Pey Pey is going to let loose the hounds, but I’m pretty sure the Broncos will win this one!

Washington at Atlanta: Oh Gawd! What a TERRIBLE game this will be! Word on the street is that the ‘Skins are going to start KIRK COUSINS over RG3! That’s not a good sign at all. I say take the Falcons, because SOMEBODY has to win this game… unless it’s a tie.

Chicago at Cleveland: Poor Cleveland. Ya know, Pittsburgh fans feel sorry for folks in Cleveland. They had their team taken away from them, and a really crappy team put in it place. They deserve better. But they ain’t gonna get it this week… Take the Bears to win.

Houston at Indianapolis: Oh my! The big, strong sexy Texans continue their death spiral this week. Although Indianapolis hasn’t totally been up to snuff lately, I think the Colts will win this one!

New England at Miami: The Boys from Beantown come to South Beach this week, and assuming Robert Kraft’s checks to the officials clear the bank, expect the Patriots to win this one. And Tom? You won’t need the Uggs down there, honey!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 15”

Hey, y’all! Well, it looks like the Footbal Feline righted the ship last week, going 11-5, or 119-72 for the season. Let’s see if I can do EVEN BETTER this week. ‘Cos The Simon has a good feelin’ about Sunday’s games! Enjoy the picks, y’all!

 

 

 

Houston at Jacksonville: Well, Simon knows where he’s NOT going to be this Thursday night! What a STINKER this game will be! BLECH! This game smells like my little sisters’ ass! I’m gonna go against the crowd and go with J-Ville, here. I think that Houston still hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, and the Jaguars, as I’m tired of saying, are better than people think they are!

Indianapolis at Cincinnati – Man, a three-way would be SO GOOD right now… What? No, ya damn perverts… I’m talking about a chili three-way, like this. Get your minds out of the gutter, girls! Anyway, The Simon is pretty sure the Bengals take this game. The Colts are just 3-2 over their last 5 games, while the Kitties are keepin’ in rollin’!

Atlanta at Green Bay – BWHAHAHAHAHA!! Really? The Durty Burds are at Lambeau this week? The Packers could put ME in at quarterback and we’d still win by two scores! Take the Packers, fool!

New England at Cleveland – BWHAHAHAHAHA!! Really? Two in a row? I wonder what the line on this game is… 35? 42? Take the Patriots!

Oakland at New York Jets – Which is the higher number: the number of Dark and Stormies Simon will drink at da club on Saturday night, or Geno Smith’s QB rating? If you chose the number of drinks I’ll have.. you’re right! Take the Raiders to steal one from the Jets, and they’ll make it look easy, too!

Detroit at Philadelphia – Speaking of Geno Smith… if Philly’s QB sensation (and TOTAL HOTTIE) Nick Foles were to throw 50 consecutive interceptions, he’d still have a higher QB rating than Geno Smith! For real, y’all! And I don’t see that handsome man cooling off this week, either. Take the Eagles to win at home and make it 5 in a row!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – Week 14”

Hey, y’all! Simon here! Wow… Simon really dropped the ball last week, huh? 5-8? My first losing week in God knows how long? OMG! But WHO KNEW the Pats would come back from a 24-0 deficit to win in overtime? Let’s see if I can do better in Week 13! I’m still 108-67 for the season, which isn’t too bad. Not great, but not bad. Have a happy Turkey Day and enjoy the picks, folks! 

 

Green Bay at Detroit: Y’all know I think Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford is the best combo since peanut butter and jelly, right? And Simon would love to be in the middle of a Johnson-Stafford sandwich… but I think the Packers, even with their QB situation, will pull this one out. Barely. And I don’t like pulling out, either!

Oakland at Dallas: Yeah, I think the ‘Boys win this one. It’s Turkey Day, they’re at home, and millions of fans will be watching. Romo, Bryant, Witten, Murray, Ware… I think the Cowboys just have too much talent for the Raiders, especially with the Iggles on their tails!

Pittsburgh at Baltimore: Well, it’s always hard to win in Bawlmer.., but Simon’s gonna go full-blown homer and pick the Steelers in this one. The Steelers really seem to be coming together over the past few weeks, while the Ratbirds just seem to be treading water. Seriously… where has this Steeler defense been all season? Of course, given that the margin of victory in these games is usually 3 points or less, it’ll be close. Don’t be surprised if the Ratbirds win 21-20. But I think the Men of Steel keep their winning streak alive this week!

Jacksonville at Cleveland: Talk about Factory of Sadness! Simon feels well and truly sorry for anyone forced to watch this stinker! Take the Browns, but hold your nose when you do it!

Tennessee at Indianapolis: Yawn. Take the Colts, if you care.

Chicago at Minnesota: In the Battle of the Awful Accents, I say take da Bears to win. They’ve got too much game for the Vikings.

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 13”

Hey, y’all! Simon here! Wow… either the NFL has gone plum crazy or Simon is just in a TERRIBLE rut! I went 9-6 last week! Blech! That’s so NOT FABULOUS! Well, let me put on my Big Boy Pants and see if I can improve this week. After all, I’m still 103-59 for the year! 

 

 

New Orleans at Atlanta: I declare! I have never seen a team just give up on a game like the Falcons did last week! FOR SHAME, Durty Birds! FOR SHAME! Yes, your season is all but over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be fabulous! Too bad Breesus and the ‘Aints are coming to town this week. Even though this is one of the bitterest rivalries in the NFL, I expect the Falcons to roll over and play dead by the second quarter. Take the Saints to win this one handily!

Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Hey, speaking of bitter rivalries! The Boys from Steel Town travel to the Mistake By The Lake to renew their long-standing rivalry. This game all depends on which Steelers team shows up. If the Steelers team from the second quarter of last week’s game against the Lions – which gave up 27 points – shows up… the Browns win easily. But if the Steelers team from the second half of last week’s game shows up – the one that held Calvin Johnson to zero catches and Matt Stafford to 35 passing yards – then this one will be all Pittsburgh! I’m jumping back on the Steelers train for this one.

Tampa Bay at Detroit: Y’all remember that movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back? That was stupid! I mean, as soon as they showed that handsome Taye Diggs taking his shirt off in the commercial, we all knew how Stella got her groove back! Having said that, the Lions will get their groove back after the second half shellacking they got last week in Pittsburgh. I just don’t think there’s any way the hapless Bucs can win this one!

Minnesota at Green Bay: Well, even with the QB situation in Green Bay – get well soon, Aaron… you hunka hunka sexy man! – I still think they beat the Vikings at home. It’s hard to win at Lambeau, and even if the Packers are all beat up, they’ve still got the skillz to win!

San Diego at Kansas City: Well, well. Last week we learned that the Chiefs are mortal after all. If this game was played in San Diego, I think it’d be close. But when Arrowhead is rockin’, visiting teams shouldn’t come knockin’! Take the Chiefs to rebound this week!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 12”