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SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 3

SimonHey, ya’ll! Simon here! Wow! What a crazy weekend! Who knew the Saints would become the Aints again, who knew that Dallas would suck so badly, and who knew that New England would miss a makeable field goal to lose to… Arizona? My lil’ kitty brain hurts just thinkin’ about it… No wonder I went 8-8 last week! Here are my picks for week 3!


New York Giants at Carolina: Well! The G-Men sure looked fallible against the lowly Bucs, didn’t they? If it weren’t for the sexy duo of Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks, they might not have pulled out the win there! Of course I’m rooting for my hometown kitties – didn’t that handsome Steve Smith play like a beast last week, ladies? – but I think the Giants just have too much firepower to lose this one. Although my heart – and my naughty bits – will be cheering for my chocolate thunder, Cam!

St. Louis at Chicago: The Rams beat my main man RG3 last week? What the heck? How do professionals make a living predicting these games? Honey, I just don’t know what to think sometimes! But I do think that those mean, grizzly Bears will win this one, although if the Rams play like they did last week, it could be an interesting game! Grrrrr! Go Bears!

Buffalo at Cleveland: Oh my! A game with not one, but two mistakes by a lake! Oh Lord, I crack myself up sometimes! You know, as awful as Cleveland is, they sure play with a lot of heart, which is good. Because they’re going to need it this week! My daddy – a Georgia Tech fan – hates CJ Spiller (who played for Clemson). I just don’t have the heart to tell him that Spiller is one sexy hunka man meat that’s gonna run wild against the Browns. Take the Bills in this game, but take a couple of white crosses so you can stay awake through it! My goodness… I’m such an l’enfant terrible, aren’t I?

Tampa Bay at Dallas: The boys from Dallas went up to Seattle last week… and got SPANKED! That dreamy Marshawn Lynch carved Dallas up for 122 yards, and the Seachicken’s D made Dallas look as lame as parachute pants! Tampa Bay, meanwhile, took it to the Giants, losing by 7. I think Tony McButterfingers will rebound, as will the rest of team.. especially since they’re playing at home. Take the Cowboys to win this one, although it won’t be the convincing win ‘Boys fans want it to be. By the way, have you heard about McDonald’s new sandwich? It’s called the McRomo, and if you eat it in the 4th quarter, you’re guaranteed to choke! L’enfant terrible strikes again!

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Top 10 Tunes

Here’s my top 10 song chart for the week ending September 9, courtesy of the home office in London:

1) The Raveonettes – “She Owns The Streets”
2) Marsheaux – “Inside”
3) The Raveonettes – “You Hit Me (I’m Down)”
4) Paul Young – “Love Of The Common People”
5) Thermostatic – “Close Your Eyes”
6) A Fine Frenzy – “Blow Away”
7) Saint Etienne – “I’ve Got Your Music”
8) The Raveonettes – “Downtown”
9) Madness – “It Must Be Love”
10) Cocteau Twins – “In the Gold Dust Rush”

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SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 2

SimonHey, ya’ll! Simon here! The football feline went 10-6 in Week 1… not too shabby if I say so myself! But let’s see if I can do even better this week! Here are my picks for week 2… have fun with ’em, ya’ll!

 


Chicago at Green Bay: Oh my! My sexy mens Devin Hester and Matt Forte will have their beefy man-hands full this week against Clay Matthews and his beautiful long locks! Who to choose? My kitty intuition tells me that the Pack will be raring to avenge their loss last week to the 49ers, and will run all over sexy meathead Brian Urlacher. I like the Packers, but I think the Bears will play hard and might make this an interesting game! 

Tampa Bay at New York Giants: In the 1970s, when the Atlanta Braves were at their worst, radio commentator Skip Caray once began a game by saying “like lambs to the slaughter, the Braves take the field”. Simon feels the same thing about this game. I’m pretty sure the Giants are going to roll in this game. That slinky, spicy Victor Cruz will see to that! This is Simon’s lock of the week, ladies! Take the Giants to the bank in this game!

Oakland at Miami: Ya’ll know that old joke about how even if you win a gold medal at the Special Olympics, you’re still retarded? This is the NFL’s version of that! Girlfriend, the only way this game could be entertaining is if you sped it up and played “Yakety Sax” over it! Thankfully, this snoozer won’t be televised in The Simon’s area, so I won’t have to take a nap to escape it. Wait a minute! I want a nap! Oh poo! Anyway, I’ll take the Raiders to win… although the only real winners are NFL Films, who will undoubtedly come away with hours of footage for the next NFL’s Greatest Bloopers DVD.

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-09

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SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 1

SimonHey, ya’ll! Simon here! The new football season is almost upon us, and I can’t wait to get my fix of sweaty mens on the TV! Now, I don’t know a lot about football, but my daddy does. And I’ve been listening to him for 5 years now. So I’ve learned a little about the game. But I know fabulous, so here are my picks for week 1!

Dallas at New York Giants: Two words, girlfriend: VICTOR CRUZ! Ya’ll know Simon loves him some sexy Latin mens, and Victor Cruz is ALL THAT and a Coach handbag! But there’s more: Jason Pierre-Paul, Hakeem Nicks, Ahmad Bradshaw, Osi Umenyiora, Justin Tuck, Martellus Bennett… Oh my! There’s just TOO MUCH SEXY for the dorky Cowboys to overcome here… even if the Giants’ quarterback is an old lesbian! Take the Giants to win this one pretty easily, girls!

Indianapolis at Chicago: Speaking of handsome, that young buck Andrew Luck is playing his first regular season game in Chicago. I tell you what, he should come to Charlotte! I’d put a totally different spin on “Suck for Luck”! I’m terrible, aren’t I! As much as I’d love to see Handy Andy come… away with a win, I just don’t think the Colts have the firepower to beat Matt Forté and Devin Hester at home. My heart (and loins) will be pulling for the Colts, but I think the Bears will win this one.

Philadelphia at Cleveland: Gosh, this game is worse than Sophie’s Choice! I certainly don’t want that horrible Michael Vick to ever win anything (I’m still showing solidarity with my doggie friends!), but then again, Cleveland is just so awful! I mean, whoever thought orange and brown would be a good color scheme! HIDEOUS! By the way, you know who’s not hideous? Meryl Streep! She’s just so FABULOUS – you go, girl! Sadly, I think the bloated walrus that is Andy Reid will coach the Eagles to a win with this one… but in this game, there are no winners! Am I right, ladies?

St. Louis at Detroit: OhMyGosh! How long has it been since Calvin Johnson has been on my TV set? Waaaaaaayyy too long, I say! Sexy Matthew Stafford and that beautiful, chiseled hunk of chocolate will be hooking up more often than Steffan at Scorpio! I predict my cousins, the Lions, will run all over the hapless Rams this week! And you can take that to the bank, honey!

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Top 10 Tunes

Here’s my top 10 song chart for the week ending September 2, courtesy of the home office in London:

1) The Raveonettes – “She Owns The Streets”
2) Saint Etienne – “I’ve Got Your Music”
3) Ambra Red – “Beauty 606”
4) Washed Out – “Call It Off”
5) Julia Holter – “Moni Mon Amie”
6) Marsheaux – “Summer”
7) Class Actress – “Careful What You Say”
8) Ramones – “Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment”
9) Pet Shop Boys – “Always On My Mind”
10) Drivin’ N’ Cryin’ – “Saddle on the Side Of The Road”

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-09-02

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My So-Called Job

This story is from the Old Stuff Archive. I’m going through the archive and re-posting a bunch of old items that didn’t make the cut when I migrated this site from FrontPage to WordPress. Enjoy!

Some people are under the misguided impression that IT jobs are “glamorous” and “exciting”. They’re not. I was once hired by IBM to answer phones for their internal Y2K Help Desk. Initially, the job kept me pretty busy: my coworker Janette and I were getting a fair number of calls. After a few weeks, though, the calls really died down.

Since Janette and I were contractors, we were treated lower than dirt. And because the site was originally owned by GE Financial and had only recently been sold to IBM, corporate paranoia ran amok. We had to give our driver’s licenses to the security guards every day to get our “visitor’s badge”. We weren’t allowed to have a company email account. The firewall blocked access to 99.99% of all interesting content on the Internet. We were relegated to sitting in the training room and had to use the PCs there… and were not allowed to customize them at all. In fact, there were originally three of us, but one guy was fired for – I kid you not – moving the taskbar to the top of the screen. Because of all this, if our phones weren’t ringing we literally had nothing to do. And when the calls died down, I started to go a little crazy.

To explain it to others, I kept a diary for a day. This entry is from September 1st, 1998 and is absolutely true. Enjoy my insanity!

07:55 – Entered building
07:58 – Logged in the phone.
08:00 – Unzipped a file that had some bitmap flags I was designing with MS Paint (why, yes I am a geek).
08:01 – Played with the flags with MS Paint.
08:12 – Bored with the flags, play a few games of Solitaire.
08:30 – Bored with that, and tired too! I think I’ll take a nap.
09:20 – A nearby phone rings, which wakes me up. Need a cigarette.
09:30 – Back, with coffee for me and Janette.
09:35 – ANOTHER quick game of Solitaire.
09:45 – Back to the bitmaps; made an English flag and a couple of others.
10:05 – Started drawing a castle with MS Paint.
10:33 – Yawn. Going for another smoke and a bathroom break.
10:41 – Back. Janitor left the bathroom closet unlocked – briefly considered getting high off Endust.
10:42 – Hmmmm. Bored with the castle – I guess I’ll start reading Wise Blood by Flannery O’Connor.
10:50 – Woo-Hoo! The phone rings!
10:50 – Dammit! Wrong number!
11:35 – Read the first 28 pages of Wise Blood. Janette goes to lunch. Still no calls.
11:45 – Yawn again. Too sleepy for Wise Blood – back to Solitaire.
12:02 – WOO-HOO! A real call! A guy in Barrington, IL needs IDs created on the t2k4 mainframe!
12:05 – Through logging the call.
12:06 – Saw a commercial last night for a Carpenter’s CD; have “On Top Of The World” in my head – the Endust is looking better!
12:15 – Fuckin’ sick of Solitaire. Back to Wise Blood.
12:39 – Janette is back. Lunchtime!
14:01 – Omygosh! Another call!
14:18 – Well, that guy had the wrong number, only it took me 15 minutes to figure it out. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s still just 1 call.
14:21 – A maintenance guy comes in and fucks with a phone on the other side of the room. Leaves after 30 seconds.
14:25 – Maintenance guy comes back, picks up the phone, looks puzzled, leaves again.
14:26 – Mark comes in to say chat – he’s a guy who works in the NOC. I feel like a guy who just got off a deserted island….
14:42 – Mark leaves. I decide to write rant about a friend of mine that I’ll email ’round the world later.
14:50 – My friend Holly calls.
15:20 – Holly and I get off the phone.
15:32 – Holly calls back.
15:40 – Holly and I get off the phone.
15:43 – ANOTHER CALL! I’m getting carpal tunnel here! I log on to the mainframe and reset the ID.
15:45 – Finished rant, not in the mood to do my daily NT studying… Wonder where the maintenance guy went.
15:46 – Wonder if the Endust is still in the bathroom. Ah, never mind – back to Flannery O’Connor.
16:53 – No calls; I’m logging off for the evening.

Yep – eight hours and two phone calls that took a grand total of five minutes to log. We never used the same PC more than once and eventually I got so bored that I changed some of the hardware entries in the Registry so that in Device Manager all the hardware was listed as “another crappy IBM product”. I wonder if anyone ever noticed…

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Top 10 Tunes

Here’s my top 10 song chart for the week ending August 26, courtesy of the home office in London:

1) Marsheaux – “Summer”
2) Class Actress – “Careful What You Say”
3) The Jam – “In the Crowd”
4) The Magnetic Fields – “Swinging London”
5) Marsheaux – “Empire State Human”
6) The Watson Twins – “Just Like Heaven”
7) Asobi Seksu – “Perfectly Crystal”
8) Junica – “Living In My House” (featuring Pip Brown)
9) Foretaste – “Alone With People Around”
10) Public Image Ltd. – “Deeper Water”