In early July, I posted this list of “Top 10 Celebrity Breasts”. As you may recall, the list was originally created by InTouch magazine; I only re-ordered their list to fit my personal preference.
Shortly after posting that, a longtime jimcofer.com reader wrote in to chide me for not posting pictures with my list. Here’s the thing: I met this guy through the forums at Ars Technica. Ars has a long and storied tradition of requiring pictures in certain threads, especially in threads about women, kittens, deadly insects, or some type of “massive fail” – a flooded server room or spectacularly wrecked car, for example. Ars might not have invented the “this thread is useless without pics” meme, but they certainly made it a requirement for posting.
So anyway… around a week ago, I posted this list of celebrities I’d like to sleep with. The backstory on the list is this: I was at a bar with Lisa and some friends, and everyone started going through their list of celebrities they’d sleep with… you know, like the episode of Friends where everyone talks about their “Freebie List”. Only yours truly was having a brain fart and couldn’t think of anyone at the time. I went home and opened a Notepad window, in which I’d type up the names of celebrities as I’d think of them. After keeping the window open for a week and a half, I had this giant list. I quickly divided the list up into two teams (“The Varsity Team” and “The JV Team”) and also divided each team into “first string”, “second string”, and “practice squad”.
I hadn’t actually planned to post the list on this site. I was originally going to post the list as a MySpace bulletin. But Lisa and I were going on a brief vacation, and I needed (OK, wanted) to come up with some stuff I could quickly “cut and paste” into a few “vacation posts” that would run while I was out of town. And the “Chick List” was perfect for that.
I guess you know what’s coming next. The same guy that emailed me about the “Celebrity Breasts” posts complained about my lack of pics in the “Chick List” thread. So… to appease not only him (Hey Chip!), but also the Gods of Ars Technica, you’ll find an updated “Chick List” now with pictures… after the jump!
Monica Anna Maria Bellucci (born September 30, 1964 or 1968) is an Italian actress and fashion model. Bellucci was born in Città di Castello, Umbria, Italy, the daughter of Maria Gustinelli, a painter, and Luigi Bellucci, who owned a trucking company. Bellucci started modeling at 16, when she was attending the Liceo Classico. Initially pursuing a career as a lawyer, Bellucci modeled to pay her tuition at the University of Perugia, but the lifestyle tempted her away from her law studies. She speaks Italian, French, and English fluently, Spanish semi-fluently, and she has had speaking roles in each of these languages as well as in Aramaic for her part as Mary Magdalene in The Passion of the Christ.
Two Fridays ago, Lisa and I were at Sir Ed’s, celebrating Calvin’s birthday. At one point, Lisa brought up the subject of male celebrities that she’d sleep with. She went through her list, then the conversation moved over to Calvin, who has Shirley Manson of Garbage in slots 1-4 of his “Top 5” list.
Eventually, of course, they came around to me. Unfortunately, I was having a complete brain fart and couldn’t think of any celebrity I wanted to sleep with at the time. For one horrifying moment, I had a list… and it was empty.
So this past week I’ve kept a Notepad window open on my computer, and I’d add a name to the list as I thought of it. After a while, the list got ridiculously large. Just for fun I divided it up like a football roster: Varsity and JV squads, with first and second strings for each team and a practice squad for each, as well as “Future Draftees” and “Retired Jerseys” sections). It’s silly, but I hope you enjoy the list:
JIM’S LIST OF HAWT CELEBRITIES, FALL 2008
THE VARSITY SQUAD
The First Team
1) Angelina Jolie
2) Kelly Brook
3) Emma Pierson
4) Kate Winslet
5) Jenna Fischer
6) Scarlett Johanssen
7) Kristen Bell
8) Jill Wagner
9) Sarah Wayne Calles
10) January Jones
11) Dana Delaney Continue reading ““The Chick List””
Kelly Brook (born Kelly Ann Parsons on 23 November 1979) is an English model, actress, and occasional swimwear designer and television presenter. After leaving school in Rochester, Brook studied at the Italia Conti stage school in London for three years before becoming a professional model. Kelly attended The Thomas Aveling School in Warren Wood, Rochester, Kent. Her mother is cousin to well known Lady Margeret.
A longtime reader of the jimcofer.com site wrote me recently, taking me to task for posting a Top 10 Celebrity Breasts list and not including pics.
You see, I met this guy through the Ars Technica forums, and worked with him in meatspace for about a year. And so… the Ars forums have a long history of people demanding pictures in certain threads. People that started any thread worthy of pics – be it a “Hurricane Grace just leveled my house!” or a “My GF just got a nipple piercing!” thread – certain posts demanded pictures, and people that posted incredible stories without pictures were taunted.
So, over time, Ars became known as a place where people had picture-taking bravado, as people (afraid of being taunted) began posting the most incredible pictures: people dangling off buildings… people with deadly Australian spiders in their bedrooms… the bomb squad working feverishly next door… the aftermath of fantastic car crashes and fires… everyone started reaching for their cameras first thing just “for Ars” instead of doing something… sensible like getting the hell outta there or calling the police.
And so, paying my debt as a true Arsian… I give you the pictures! Remember: I only used the top 10 girls from the InTouch poll – I just put them in my own order.
Click any pic for a high-res version:
1. Scarlett Johansson – Ahhhhhh, Scarlett! Your firm, 23 year-old breasts… your blonde hair… your deep green eyes… your strange opinions on polyamory and apparent conversion to Neotrantra… it all just makes old men like me weep.
2. Katherine Heigl – “I know, right? Where has she been hiding those things?”
3. Jessica Simpson – Yep… the poor thing is as dumb as a box of rocks. And she’s dating the freakin’ quarterback of my hated rival: the Dallas Cowboys. But hey – did you see her in the Real Girls Eat Meat shirt? Man, that’s hot! Even better: she wore it as a swipe at Romo’s ex-gf Carrie Underwood, herself twice voted “sexiest vegetarian” from PETA. Grrrrrrrrr!
4. Lindsay Lohan – There’s just something nasty about Linday Lohan’s boobies. And I mean that in the best way. Too bad for us, though: seems like ‘LaLohan’ (uuugh!) is playing for the other team these days.
6. Beyoncé Knowles – Ya know, I secretly think that Kim Kardashian is hot (yes, really)… but Beyoncé’s booty is just plain ridiculous.
7. Audrina Patridge – Someone from The Hills or something, I dunno. I’m getting old and losing my pop culture compass. Or perhaps my compass is just much more refined these days. You pick.
8. Tyra Banks – You know, Tyra Banks is crazy. And you know what Jim Cofer’s First Rule of Life is? “Don’t stick it in the crazy”. Sure… she looks good. But just wait until you start getting 120 text messages and 19 phone calls a day from this incredibly hot (yet completely crazy) woman.
9. Jennifer Aniston – Really? Jennifer Aniston? I can see where some might find her attractive and everything… but come on. This woman lost a call-waiting face off against Angelina Jolie, and lost badly. She’s just a loser. And she’s not aging very well, either.
10. Carmen Electra – Carmen Electra is a tired old bag. When I think of Carmen Electra, I think of two things: Dennis Rodman naked and\or sleeping with everyone in a bus station. Either one makes me shudder.
Wikipedia sez: Odette Juliette Yustman (born May 10, 1985) is an American actress. Yustman was born in Los Angeles, California. According to the actress, her mother, Lydia, is Cuban, and her father, Victor Yustman, is Italian/French born in Bogota, Colombia, and raised in Nicaragua. Yustman is fluent in Spanish.