Author: simon

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Guess what? I went 13-1 last week! SUCK IT Les Carpenter! hehehehe! That makes me 105-54 for the season, which is almost as good as the “pros” on Yahoo! Watch out guys – you can’t stop the fabulousness! So pour yourself a cold one and enjoy my picks for week 12!

 

Houston at Detroit: Hoo-boy! I still haven’t seen Calvin Johnson’s johnson, and I get the feeling he’ll be running away from this game with his johnson between his legs! Houston will run all over poor Detroit… who, by the way, are 33-37-2 on Thanksgiving Day and have lost their last 8 Thanksgiving games. Why should the Texans eat turkey when they can FEAST on Lion instead?

Washington at Dallas: I’ll say this for Tony Romo: he’s like a Chumbawumba song… he gets knocked down, and he gets up again… you’re never gonna keep him down! Once again, the Cowboys found themselves down big last week, and came away with the win in Cleveland. So while I’d normally point and laugh at Dallas, I think the Cowboys come away with the win this week. I love me some sexy RG3 action, but I think the ‘Boys have it together enough to win this one.

New York Jets at New England: Oh my! Simon needs to call his BDSM friends, ‘cos this is gonna be a beatdown like no other! Tom Terrific – even without that sexy hunk’a white meat, the Gronk – will get it done, girls! Does Simon have a Blowout of the Week™ award? ‘Cos if not, this one needs it! Take the Patriots by two TDs! Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 12”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 9-4 last week… not as good as week nine’s 13-1, but not too bad. I’m 92-53 for the year, which makes me better than a few of the “pros” out there! Maybe it’s because I am sooo fabulous! So sit back, relax, pour a Bloody Mary and enjoy my picks for week 11!

 

Miami at Buffalo: Yawn. Watching these two duke it out is like watching two ugly girls in last year’s Charlotte Dellals catfighting over the last homely guy left in a bar! It’s just tragic, people! Simon’s going with the Bills, but your best bet is to call DirectTV and hope they can get the NFL Sunday Ticket installed at your house before Sunday so you can watch some other game!

Arizona at Atlanta: Face it, Falcons fans: the Durty Birds were gonna lose at some point. I know it hurts that it was to the Aints, but you guys can easily bounce back against that handsome Larry Fitz and the Cards. My main man Matt Ryan is hard to beat at home, and I just don’t think Arizona is up to the challenge. Take the Falcons here, ladies!

Cleveland at Dallas: Dallas: overrated. Cleveland: underrated. Upset? Sadly, no. It’s hard to win in Jerry’s House, even with goofballs Tony Romo and Jason Garrett coming up with ever wackier ways to lose games. Given all the bizarre endings to their games, Simon is expecting that the Browns will have a lead late in the game, and Romo will throw up a bomb… which will be intercepted by Prester John riding a dragon, who will then abscond to Atlantis with the ball. Completely baffled, Ed “Old Guns” Hochuli will call the game in the Browns favor. Hey, is that any less likely than something silly from the Cowboys’ crack clock management team? And, by the way, I didn’t see you guys at the free Clock Management seminar I held this week. Herm Edwards, Mike Holgren and Marvin Lewis showed up… where were you guys? Take the Cowboys to win at home, although I don’t think it’ll be the “season-changing win” fans are hoping for.

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 11”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Guess which kitty went 13-1 last week? THIS kitty! I’m 83-49 for the season, which I believe puts me ahead of the walking corpse that is Cris Collinsworth! But no time to brag now… week 10 is coming! Here are my picks for this week! Enjoy! 

Indianapolis at Jacksonville: The Jax Kitties have 99 problems, and while a bitch ain’t one… they still have 99 problems. The play calling is terrible, the o-line can’t protect the QB, but even if they could what’s Blaine Gabbert gonna do? He doesn’t have anyone to throw to! Things aren’t any better on the other side of the ball, either. Their secondary stinks, and while the linebackers aren’t awful, the play calling here ain’t great, either. This team is in such disarray it’s time for Shahid Khan to fire Gene Smith… and everyone else connected to the organization. Just in time to move to Los Angeles! Simon says take the Colts to win this one easily, especially with that cute lil’ Andrew Luck coming on so well! Hey Randy Andy… Simon’s looking for yoooooouuu!

New York Giants at Cincinnati: Wow! So did the Steelers expose some weaknesses in the Giants or what? Lil’ Eli looked lost last week, and you hardly heard the sexy names “Hakeem Nicks” and “Victor Cruz” in the second half. Here’s hoping renowned doofus Marvin Lewis actually studies tape of that game, ‘cos it’s possible that Cincy could pull off an upset at home, even with that awful ginger as QB. However, I think Coughlin gets the team fired up this week, and the Giants win fairly easily on the road.

Tennessee at Miami: Speaking of 99 problems… it’s the Tennessee Titans! The team that upset the Steelers in week 6 has progressively gotten worse every week since, ending in last week’s humiliating 51-20 beatdown by the sexy mens from Chi-town. Like the Jags, the Titans have so many problems, and on so many levels, that it’s hard to even know where to begin fixing them. Even if the rumors about cute lil’ Jake Locker coming back this week are true… The Simon doesn’t think it’ll help much. The ‘Fins, on the other hand, are coming together (in a circle, hopefully, with Simon in the middle!). Sure, they lost last week (thanks for being the “1” in my “13-1” picks, guys!). But that handsome Ryan Tannehill will get a win for the Dolphins this week!

Minnesota at Detroit: Hmmmm… two teams from cold-ass places no one cares about. Ya’ll know Simon wants to pick the Dee-troit kitties ‘cos of the sexy duo of Stafford and Johnson (and girl, I wanna see his Johnson!). But they’ve just been so quiet lately. The Simon hasn’t see many Lions games this year, so he doesn’t know what the problem is. But he does know that his Bärchen Adrian Peterson will have a field day with the Lions. Run all over the Lions, Adrian… then come see this Carolina Kitty! The Lions might hang in there, but I’m picking the Vikings in this game!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 10”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 9-5 last week, which makes me 70-48 for the season so far! Not too shabby for the Football Feline, no? Let’s see if I can’t do even better this week! Here are my fabulous picks for week 9!

 

Chiefs at Chargers: Normally my daddy DVRs regular shows like 30 Rock and The Office and watches Thursday NFL games live. I asked him about this game, and he said he might not even watch it! And who can blame him! The Chargers, one of the most overrated teams in the NFL… going up against a Kansas City team whose entire offensive gameplan appears to be “hand it off to Jamaal Charles”. Now, Jamaal Charles is pretty sexy… but come on, man! You’ve gotta have a better plan than that! The hapless Chiefs haven’t led a game for a single second this season (their one win came against New Orleans in OT). I hardly think this week is going to be any different… take the Chargers to breeze through this one!

Denver at Cincinnati: The Bungles are the most overrated 3-4 team in the NFL, and I expect The Forehead and my HANDSOME MAN Demaryius Thomas (sigh!) to put the beat down on ’em. Hey, I love my fellow kitties as much as the next cat, but I just don’t see how the Bengals can win this game. Put all your ducats on the Broncos to win this one!

Baltimore at Cleveland: If the Bengals are the most overrated 3-4 team, then the Browns are the most underrated 2-6 team in the league. Make no mistake… anything to do with Cleveland is just awful – hideous, even – but while the Browns will remain a cellar team in the AFC North, they have the ability to play any team, any time. Having said all that, there’s no way they beat the Ravens this week, even with the Ratbirds missing Ray Ray and Lardarius Webb and all rest. I hate picking those nasty Ravens, but there’s just no way the Browns take one from the ‘Birds.

Arizona at Green Bay: Simon would love to get man-handled. But Arizona didn’t much care for it on Monday night. The 49ers made them look like a Pop Warner team… and you can expect more of the same when they go to Green Bay, baby! Those poor Arizona boys just won’t be able to handle the hotness of Aaron Rodgers or the coolness of the Green Bay autumn. I love you, Larry Fitzgerald – seriously, girls… have you seen his butt in those tight pants? – but I’m picking the Packers to win… even without studmuffins Greg Jennings and Jordy Nelson. And Jordy… if you need a warm, comfy place to rehab, come see Simon! I’ll be waiting for yooooooouuu!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 9”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Guess who went 12-1 last week? Go Simon! Go Simon! Thanks to that great week I’m now 61-43 for the season. And I’ve got a good feeling about this week’s games, too! So here are my picks for week 8!

 

Buccaneers at Vikings: This game features two groups of sexy outlaws: the dirty swashbucklers from Tampa Bay vs. the handsome Nordic raiders of Minnesota. Gosh, who to pick? Simon wouldn’t mind being boarded by the Bucs… but he wouldn’t mind being ravaged by Vikings, either! Oh my! In the end (hehehe!) Simon thinks that handsome Adrian Peterson will run all over those dirty pirates from the place bad strippers go to die from Tampa Bay. Take Minnesota for the win!

Panthers at Chicago: Simon just can’t be bothered with politics, so instead of watching the debate last night he watched the Bears’ defense totally shut down the Lions’ offense. Now ya’ll know I love me some Cam Newton (and some Steve Smith and some Jonathan Stewart and some DeAngelo Williams!), but Simon just doesn’t think my hometown kitties have the mojo to beat the Bears, who seem to be clicking at just the right time. Simon says to take Chicago to make Carolina look like a Division III team!

Chargers at Browns: Phillips Rivers looks like a giant doofus. And one could argue that Norv Turner doesn’t deserve to be a head coach in the NFL. But I don’t think they’ll have any problems taking out the hapless Browns this week. Sure, the Browns are probably better than their 1-6 record would indicate… and oftentimes it’s the teams with nothing to lose that you have to worry about. But honey, San Diego will dominate this game! This one is a lock!

Seahawks at Lions: Getting back to that Monday Night game: Are the Bears just that good? Or are the Lions just that overrated? Simon loves him some Matthew Stafford, and he especially loves Calvin Johnson (Heeeeyyy Megatron!!!). But the Lions’ dynamic duo just looked lost last night! I know they’re playing at home this week, and I know they’ll want to redeem themselves. But I think that sexy Russell Wilson and that chocolate Adonis Marshawn Lynch will run rampant (haha! Heraldry humor!) over the Lions this week. Take Seattle to win, girls!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 8”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! OMG! WHAT is going on in the NFL? Denver led 24-0 at the half… only to lose by 11? Dallas had multiple chances to beat Baltimore… but gave it away? Oakland took Atlanta to the brink? The Giants destroyed the 49ers? I just don’t understand! I went 4-10 last week, but I guess lots of others did too! Let’s see if I can rebound in week 7!

Seahawks at 49ers: That super-sexy Russell Wilson hooked up with studmuffin Sidney Rice to spank the Pats (and my beloved Tom Terrific!) last week! [imagines Russell Wilson nude, spanking Tom Brady] Ummmmmm..What? Oh yes, sorry. The Seachickens turned giant-killler by knocking off the Pats last week… but do they have the cojones to go to San Francisco and take one from the 49ers? Will the 49ers, still smarting from last week’s ass-beating by the Giants, let them do it? Simon says no! Take the 49ers to win, although Wilson and company could make this a close game!

Tennessee at Buffalo: This is a game between two hapless, middling teams. It’s like “Olive Garden vs Applebee’s”, and there’s just no winner here if you know what I mean! I want to pull for the handsome Southern gentlemens from Nashville, but I think the home team will (just barely) win this one. Simon says take the Bills to win this one!

Cleveland at Indianapolis: Cleveland or Indianapolis? And I have to choose between them? It’s like the Price is Right Showcase… in Hell! Do I pick the dying Rust Belt town known for being a mistake? Or do I pick the town so fat that a deep fried pork brain sandwich is known as a “light snack”? You sure there’s not an NFL team in Saint Lucia? Simon would be happy to go on a fact-finding mission to investigate! No? Blech. Simon says take the Colts at home, although he’s not happy about either pick!

Green Bay at St. Louis: You could see it building and building. For weeks. Green Bay’s frustration mounted and mounted and mounted… until last Sunday, when they blew up all over the Texans! Honey, if the Packers play the rest of the season like they did last Sunday, they’re a lock for the playoffs. And Simon thinks they’ll bring their green and yellow vengeance to St. Louis this week. The Rams are a better team that most people think, but they’ll be no match for the handsome mens from Green Bay. Simon says take the Packers to win big, baby!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 7”

Hey, ya’ll! It’s Simon again! Your football feline went 9-5 last week, and is 45-32 for the season so far! Not bad for a little kitty, eh? Let me put down my MANmosa and give you my picks for week 6, honey!

 

Steelers at Titans: Wow… the boys from Steel City sure looked like a more balanced team with the strong, sexy legs of Rashard Mendenhall in the lineup, didn’t they? And even though that hamdsome James Harrison didn’t have a great game stat-wise, the Iggles still had to account for him. Even though my boys gave up the Eagles touchdown in the 4th quarter, they looked pretty good for most of the game. And here’s the thing: the Titans ain’t the Eagles. If the Steelers can contain Chris “Sexy Legs” Johnson and force Matt “My Best Days are Behind Me” Hasslebeck to throw, it will be an easy win for them. I take the Steelers to win this game, hopefully easily.

Oakland at Atlanta: Matt Ryan… Tony Gonzalez… Michael Turner… Julio Jones… the Falcons aren’t just stacked with talent… they’re stacked with sexy! They’re 5-0 and, barring some kind of unforeseen disaster, will be 6-0 after this game. Ya’ll know I love me some sexy pirate mens… but Atlanta’s just got too much talent. Take the Falcons to win this one! (Sidebar: so the Falcons’ quarterback is Matt Ryan, but the kicker is Matt Bryant? Well that’s confusing!)

Cincinnati at Cleveland: One word: Ewwwww! Take the Bengals.

St. Louis at Miami: Ahhhh… South Beach. All those handsome mens in Speedos rollin’ around in the sand… Oh MY, girlfriend! The Dolphins have been surprising all season, and the Rams aren’t all that bad, despite they’re being from St. Louis. I’ll take the Dolphins, although the Rams could make this interesting!

Indianapolis at New York Jets: Simon’s got a funny joke for you: “the New York Jets”! If this game were in New York New Jersey, Simon would give the Parade of Incompetence that is the Jets a slight advantage. However, they’re playing in Indianapolis, where the home crowd will give the Colts a slight advantage. I’ll take the Colts, but I’m not really sure about them.

Detroit at Philadelphia: My beautiful man Calvin Johnson! I’ve got me eye on yooooouu! But seriously, Captain Walrus and the Dog Killer are still smarting from their loss to Daddy’s Steelers last week, and they’ll be out for blood here. I think Philly just has more talent than Detroit, and if Dog Killer can hold on to the ball, I think the Eagles win this one!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 6”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! I went 10-5 last week, much better than my previous two weeks! I’m up to 36-27 on the season. Let’s see if I can knock this week out of the park!

Here are my picks for Week 5!

 

Cardinals at Rams: I just looooveee birds! I can sit at the window and stare at them for hours! And I can also stare at that handsome Larry Fitzgerald for hours, too! Come see me, Larry… I’ve got something you can do with those good hands of yours! Girls, Arizona is looking like the team to beat in the NFC West this year… take them to beat St. Louis, but if the same Rams team shows up that beat the Seachickens last week, it’ll be close!

Dolphins at Bengals: RAWR! My cousins the tigers should feast on dolphin meat this week, although the ‘Fins are a better team than most people give them credit for. The fish – and that cute little twink Ryan Tannehill – might make it a game, but I think Cincinnati just has too much stud power to lose this one!

Green Bay at Indianapolis: Awww! That poor lil’ Aaron Rodgers! First the replacement refs make him lose a game, and last week the regular refs gave him a hard time, too! Why? He’s soooo handsome, although I prefer the long blonde hair of that chiseled Clay Matthews any time, girlfriend! That hair, just flowing in the breeze… those strong thighs… holding me down… and… what? Oh yes, the pick! I think that lil’ Andrew Luck is as cute as a button, but I don’t think the Colts will be able to get past the Packers! At least, that’s where I’d put my money!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 5”

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Wow, was last weekend WILD or what? Yes, there was the Monday Night game everyone was talking about… But how about this: last weekend was the first time Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger all lost in the same weekend! I guess that’s why I went 8-8 last week and am a middling 26-22 so far! Here are my picks for week 4!

[NOTE: Simon regrets that he was a ton of stuff to do this week and is too busy welcoming a new baby sister to write up his usual sassy commentary. He did, however, provide his picks.]

Cleveland at Baltimore: “Are you serious? Bet it all on the Ravens!”

Carolina at Atlanta: “Pffft! Atlanta’s looking too good! Take the Falcons!”

New England at Buffalo: “The Patriots will want revenge!”

Minnesota at Detroit: “Take the Lions at home.. Rawr!”

San Diego at Kansas City: “Could be a toss-up.. I’m leaning towards the Chargers.”

Seattle at St. Louis: “After Monday, I’m a believer in the Seahawks!”

San Francisco at New York Jets: “My 49ers will get it done.”

Tennessee at Houston: “Should be a bloodbath; go with the Texans.”

Oakland at Denver: “I take the Broncos… with glee!”

Miami at Arizona: “Are the Cards giant-killers? I’ll take them.”

Cincinnati at Jacksonville: “Yep, the Bengals will win this one.”

New Orleans at Green Bay: “The Packers will vent their frustration on the Aints!”

Washington at Tampa Bay: “I think the Redskins bounce back this week!”

New York Giants at Philadelphia: “I take the Giants, but not by much”.

Chicago at Dallas: “If this was in Chicago and Forte was healthy, I’d pick the Bears. But it’s not and he’s not, so I’m taking the Cowboys!”.

I hope ya’ll enjoy the picks! See ya’ll next week!

XOXOXO

– The Simon

Hey, ya’ll! Simon here! Wow! What a crazy weekend! Who knew the Saints would become the Aints again, who knew that Dallas would suck so badly, and who knew that New England would miss a makeable field goal to lose to… Arizona? My lil’ kitty brain hurts just thinkin’ about it… No wonder I went 8-8 last week! Here are my picks for week 3!

New York Giants at Carolina: Well! The G-Men sure looked fallible against the lowly Bucs, didn’t they? If it weren’t for the sexy duo of Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks, they might not have pulled out the win there! Of course I’m rooting for my hometown kitties – didn’t that handsome Steve Smith play like a beast last week, ladies? – but I think the Giants just have too much firepower to lose this one. Although my heart – and my naughty bits – will be cheering for my chocolate thunder, Cam!

St. Louis at Chicago: The Rams beat my main man RG3 last week? What the heck? How do professionals make a living predicting these games? Honey, I just don’t know what to think sometimes! But I do think that those mean, grizzly Bears will win this one, although if the Rams play like they did last week, it could be an interesting game! Grrrrr! Go Bears!

Buffalo at Cleveland: Oh my! A game with not one, but two mistakes by a lake! Oh Lord, I crack myself up sometimes! You know, as awful as Cleveland is, they sure play with a lot of heart, which is good. Because they’re going to need it this week! My daddy – a Georgia Tech fan – hates CJ Spiller (who played for Clemson). I just don’t have the heart to tell him that Spiller is one sexy hunka man meat that’s gonna run wild against the Browns. Take the Bills in this game, but take a couple of white crosses so you can stay awake through it! My goodness… I’m such an l’enfant terrible, aren’t I?

Tampa Bay at Dallas: The boys from Dallas went up to Seattle last week… and got SPANKED! That dreamy Marshawn Lynch carved Dallas up for 122 yards, and the Seachicken’s D made Dallas look as lame as parachute pants! Tampa Bay, meanwhile, took it to the Giants, losing by 7. I think Tony McButterfingers will rebound, as will the rest of team.. especially since they’re playing at home. Take the Cowboys to win this one, although it won’t be the convincing win ‘Boys fans want it to be. By the way, have you heard about McDonald’s new sandwich? It’s called the McRomo, and if you eat it in the 4th quarter, you’re guaranteed to choke! L’enfant terrible strikes again!

Continue reading “SIMON’S PICKS – WEEK 3”